some end of 2009 thoughts and my word...

today has been filled with emotions.  i am usually not reflective on new years eve.  eh.  ya know?   but today is another one of those days in paradise.  75 degrees.  nice breeze.  blue skies.  you can't ask for me.   i promised the princess that we would go to a playground and have a picnic today. 

i am ashamed to say that in her almost 5 short years i have done limited outdoor activities with her.   i live less than 10 minutes from the beach and the only two times her feet has touched the sand has been once when we drove up the coast to watch the space shuttle launch and we stopped off in juno beach for her "first" trip to the beach.   she was almost 4 that day.   the second time is this past september when we went on a disney cruise and actually frolicked on their private beach.   my adversion to the beach has nothing to do with bathing suits.  i live in florida.  i spend all summer in a bathing suit in the pool.  my aversion to the beach is no different to my aversion to anything that requires energy and attention.   weighing over 300 pounds it is hard to do such simple things like taking your daughter to the playground.  not something i am proud of.  

so anyhoo... today i took one large step towards my Kindergarten Challenge victory.   we went to the playground.  (me stylishly in my 22/24 top and the princess in her always appropriate pink cowgirl boots).   but not only did we go to the playground we also took some blankets and had a picnic for lunch.  i was able to sit on the ground without the fear of getting off the ground and not uncomfortable from supporting my back.  sure, getting up was less than graceful... but i fucking did it.  

the other thing going on today is that i emptied out my closet this morning.   the amount of clothes i have is obscene and unnecessary.    i have 3 piles going -- consignment, charity and craigslist.  i definitely see a style shift in my future.   less flowy big print tops and little more muted lesbian preppy -- ala ellen degeneres.    why do fat people, and by fat people i mean me, think that big flowy prints make them look good????

and finally...my word for 2010 will be believe.  i believe this will be my final weight loss journey.  i believe in my ability to sustain and work the gift of the band.  i believe in me.   cue cher music....

i am a gleek....

i am going through glee withdrawl.  sigh.   i think i may have to get the box set tomorrow...

progress pics -- 7 weeks post-op

Me (and the princess) on September 17, 2009. I am the one trying to hide my body behind a 36 pound 4 year old.  I can't wait for our cruise in February to do some great comparison pictures!

Me today -- December 29, 2009.   New sweater and new "skinny" jeans.  The biggest difference I see thus far when i look at myself in the mirror is my face, shoulder width and my waist (apparently i had one afterall).     Also my smile.   This is the smile i used to have in my younger days.  A smile that would have people coming across bars to compliment me on my eyes and smile....

supported...

no, i am not talking about my boobs (again).  support group was tonight, silly!

i know i have said it before...but i will say it again... i love my surgical team.... tonight we ran about 30 minutes over but by the end of the meeting we were pretty much all in tears including the surgeon's wife/facilitator.    it was just an emotional floodgate tonight ending with this group declaration of thanks for the care and support they offer to us.  for basically saving our lives, making each of us feel valued and most importantly believing in us and not judging us.  i know at the end of the day it is a business for them -- but a lot of businesses can learn a lot from them.

so tonight's exercise was basically ending the year in a reflection mode.  we went around the table a few times and answered the following questions:

1.  What negative thing are you leaving behind in 2009?  (we also wrote this answer down on a sheet of paper and place it in a box/crypt  that said RIP 2009 on top.

• i wrote down "excuses" and "worrying".   i said that i was sick of making excuses for not losing weight and worrying about my parents approval and the what ifs.

2. What positive thing did you accomplish in 2009?

• i said my decision to have the surgery.   and i said that related directly to what i buried in the box -- no more excuses.  no more worrying about my parents approving.  letting go of my sister's unsupportiveness (because, you know, nobody wants their morbidly obese sister to ever be thinner than them....).   i got claps from the group and the facilitator said it was really deep.  i just said "really?"  lol.

3.  Short-term / Long-term goals for 2010.

• Short-term: own the surgery.  get to that 50 pound mark where i really understand it and am working the band.
• Long-term:  break the cycle of food abuse/obesity in my family by becoming a healthy weight so my daughter will have no recollection of me morbidly obese.  (and this is where the tears started for me....)
• because the tears were flowing i did not say the other part of my 2010 goal which is to sit in a little kindergarten chair on parents night when my daughter starts kindergarten in august 2010.   i will NOT be the most obese mother in that room.  

so now it is your turn.... tell me...

i think lbt got her period...

is it just me or is the vibe at lbt today very cranky?   snark-a-roni is on the menu today apparently....

people are being blasted for being confused (and honest) about their feelings.   others are scared to answer for fear of being told off.

lbt is not my first rodeo. i have been actively involved in internet boards for about 15 years now. i have been banned from some. i have been part of creating the "anti" version of some. i even pissed someone off so much that she had a "secret" board where she talked about me all the time. but lbt is a different animal.

there has been one subject i have wanted to comment on for a little now but have resisted the urge.      have you seen posts where someone is just not having major surgery, but a device implanted in them for the rest of their life and they announce they have not told their spouse and have no intention of ever telling their spouse.  seriously...what the fuck?     that is not flame worthy but someone coming to the realization that they have been fooling themselves all these years that being fat was "ok" is flame worthy?

i don't get it.  there i said it.

poop, eggs and a date...

in no particular order....


poop --- i took a senakot this weekend. that helped. i think after holing up in my mom's bathroom for an hour made this an issue of "national" importance in the family. so she had it sitting next to my purse when i finally emerged. it helped. so i picked up some yesterday. specific suggestions on foods that are high in fiber and easy to eat are welcomed. this is a whole new world to me.

eggs --- good suggestions. it could very well be the time of day. that never occurred to me. i eat egg whites because that is what i like. i usually do a taste of goat cheese in them and that taste goes great in eggs whites. i can try a regular egg. i used to always say my favorite dinner was breakfast for dinner!

date --- all is well in that department. it actually was not the "first date". she had come over to hang out this past wednesday. you know what they say… no rest for the wicked! …. yesterday we went down to fort lauderdale beach to one of my favorite restaurants. i should lose 10 pounds this week just for the former bad behaviors i shed last night. i ordered the onion soup with no crouton. i mostly sipped the broth and picked at the melted cheese. I barely made a dent in it. for my main course i had an appetizer that they call a blue crab martini. it is fresh crab with avocado chunks, wontons, mayo and tropical salsa. i had them leave off the salsa since i am allergic to mangos and i just picked at the crab and avocados. it was served in a martini glass and I left more than half of it behind. it was divine. i did get a glass of wine while we were waiting for our table but only took a couple sips and i didn't even desire the bread on the table.

it was a beautiful night in south florida last night. 70 degrees. so we drove back to my place along the beach with the windows down. paradise, man. paradise.

i am glad i decided not to wait until i was "skinny" to jump back into the dating game. i am having a good time in my skinny size 24 (!!!!!!!) jeans.

iam going in to work late today so i can go do blood work at my primary doctor. my plan for work today is to catch up a little on work and catch up on my blog readings. tonight is support group. as always, looking forward to that!

warm end of december wishes going out to each and every one of you…

breaking up is hard to do...

but, i am sorry to say that me and egg whites are no longer.  boo hoo.  after an hour of on and off vomiting, spitting and productive burping this morning i think we are going to take a break...maybe we will try one more time next week.

it was good while it lasted.  sigh.

tonight i have a date...stay tuned... we are going to one of my favorite beach front restaurants.  lots of seafood.  i will probably go with the crab cakes.  or maybe just onion gratin soup.   we'll see...