channeling my inner hippie...

one thing that has come out of this weight loss journey is the realization, denial, anger and acceptance that i am food obsessed.    some of you are reading this and thinking "what's wrong with being food obsessed? lol"  and to you -- i say: NOTHING!   nothing -- if you channel it correctly and do not go to extremes.  

my newest food obsession is Local Food.   i have been slowly reading about it online and have begun to think of ways to incorporate local food into my daily life.   of course, being the obsessive perfectionist i am -- i will study this until i master it.    i hope to share this education and journey here on my blog.

there are many different ways to define Local Food.   i am using the loose definition of DGD (day-goods-distance) which uses 400 miles as a distance -- which is one day's travel.  i plan to hone in on opportunities where it is less than a day's travel and maybe try to limit it to my immediate geographic area or 100 miles since much of our suburban area here was farms and there are some still left.  in fact, a local farm operates a seasonal store right outside my development and i have frequented it for years.   

i understand this is a huge commitment.  but i believe it in.   i have always been a Whole Foods Market type girl -- both for the quality of foods, my own gluten intolerance issues and the concept.   i also understand that local food is somewhat trendy right now.   but what better to be trendy about than fostering the local economy, supporting energy efficient consumerism and being healthy?

my first steps are to commit to no longer buying produce or eggs (when possible) in any grocery store.   i will only buy from local farms and markets.  i am also going to investigate joining a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture).   this simple system operates like a co-op.   you buy in a share and every week for the season you pick up a box of fresh produce.  

unlike when i lived in atlanta, i am unaware of any co-op natural food stores here in south florida.  but if i do find one, i will consider shopping there.   in the meantime, for my cheeses and other produced foods i will continue to frequent Whole Foods and other organic store and purchase from their "Local Food" case -- except for that damn English sharp cheddar cheese Whole Foods has me AND the princess addicted to.  yeah, my 5 year old now requests imported english cheese.  lol.

i am interested in hearing other ways you all incorporate this local food movement into your life.   i am not really a good gardener so i do not see myself growing my own tomatoes yet....

this pretty much sums up July so far for me....

Virgo July 2010 Horoscope

Heart Rules Head

By Rick Levine and Jeff Jawer*

Provided by Tarot.com

Thinking gives way to feeling for much of this month, starting with brainy Mercury's entry into your 12th House of Escapism on July 9, and followed by sensual Venus' entry into your sign on July 10. Focusing on personal matters allows you to have a good time instead of focusing on the usual everyday worries. The New Moon on July 11 is a Solar Eclipse in emotional Cancer and your 11th House of Groups and Friends. Productive Mars in Virgo sextiles this eclipse, motivating you to cut out what you no longer need and increasing your effectiveness working or playing with others. The Aquarius Full Moon on July 25 in your 6th House of Employment is supported by Saturn and Uranus, helping you establish new skills or perhaps even shift to a different line of work.

Keep In Mind

Your emotional intelligence grows when you listen to your gut instincts rather than rationalizing away feelings that don't fit your preconceived notions.

Virgo Love Horoscope for July

Pushing the Limits

Venus, the planet of love, is moving into your sign on July 9 to improve your appearance and attitude and make you more attractive to others. This is not a time to focus on your flaws, but to clearly see new ways to make yourself happier. Feeling good is worth even more than looking good because people react to what you think of yourself. But while you are looking better than ever now, you're also bolder in your thinking and communications with Mercury, your verbal ruling planet, in creative Leo until July 27. This enriches you with creative ideas and a greater willingness to speak your mind without doubt or hesitation. Pushing the limits of what you're willing to share and what you can hope for may shake your world a bit, but can also awaken you to more pleasure.

there are worst things i could do....

than kiss a girl or two....  (ok, my own tweak to Rizzo's solo song in Grease)....

i know the picture is horrible quality but you get the gist of my outfit.  woo hoo.  it is also my "farewell to fat stores" outfit.  the top is a 14/16 from Avenue.   the skirt is a size 16 from Old Navy.   i think i am officially done with fat stores now.

the Grease Singalong was AWESOME.  totally recommend it if it is in your town.   there were actually a lot of moms with kids there.   unfortunately, it is only here in town thursday, friday and saturday and  the princess and i have plans each night or else i would TOTALLY take the princess.  (we are going to see ringo starr with my parents and their friends thursday night!)

we jumped up and did Grease Lightning, Hand Jive and We Go Together.  some of the audience danced -- but not so much.  it was kind of weird because the entire audience did belt out the Stranded at the Drivein song.    kind of weird for *that* of all songs to get the most participation.

the date went really well.   we had a great time.   i am really trying to stay in the moment with this dating stuff and not choose between any of the bachlorettes or not avail myself to more bachelorettes.  this is totally the "summer of heidi".   

last night bachelorette #2 gave me a nice compliment.  during the week while i was at work meetings i we were sending text pictures back and forth and last night she told me that i "look great" and that all the pictures she has seen of me do not do me "justice".    it is kind of weird right now to take flat out compliments.  but in an effort to live in the moment i am making sure i pause and give thanks when the compliment is received -- as opposed to some stupid uncomfortable joke i have done the last 20 years.  (wow, that sentence was kind of "exposing"...but i will leave it in....).   

and not to share too many sordid details...it was kind of weird to let someone feel/see my flappy body at this point.  until all the flaps melt away or i have major plastic surgery -- i will always maintain that i was more comfortable with someone seeing/feeling my large ample body than i am with my shrunken deflated body right now.    she didn't mind...lol...so i will go with it....

good stuff all around...

while yesterday was the least amount lost at a monthly weigh-in...it really wasn't that bad.   i lost 6 pounds this month.  for a total of 84 since surgery and 145 since my known highest.  it was also the eight month anniversary of my band! 

i am pretty psyched to be 16 pounds from losing 100.   while, like most of us, i have lost 100 pounds many time over in my life...never to my knowledge in one direct journey.  even the 60 pounds lost before surgery took over 3 years and did not amount to 100!     and now to be at the point where i *only* have 60 pounds to lose.  a-fucking- mazing.

it is also the first time in 20 years -- since i was a freshwomyn (kidding  on the spelling-- i am not *that* much of a feminist) in college -- that i have weighed in the 220s.   228 to be exact.

ever since the ziggy the chihuahua boob flappin', pants falling down all over the neighborhood debacle i have been on a quest for new pajamas.  i picked up a pair at TJ Maxx yesterday.  they were a 1X.  didn't think i needed to try them on.  in fact, i thought they may be too tight and i may have to hold onto them for a while.   nope.   when i got home and put them on last night they were too big.  

i was talking to my mom about it this morning and she agrees....no more lane bryants.  no more avenue.  i need to go store exploring.  you would think a clothes whore like me would be chomping at the bit.  but i am not.  i don't know why.  i have already found my comfort zone at Old Navy.  but i know i need to go beyond that.  

my mom suggested i start with Macy's.  of course, i still have 60 pounds to lose so i don't want to go crazy shopping.   it will all work out, i know... but as others have said recently, it is kind of weird to say goodbye to my shopping comfort zone after 25 years.   i am sure i am not the only one here who's first job in retail was in a lane bryant...

i spent this morning cleaning out my camper and preparing it for our summer camping.   oh.my.god.  i was done in an hour and half -- what usually takes me 3.  i was so comfortable moving around, getting on my knees, standing on things to reach up high.   can't wait to camp in my new body.

tonight is my first date with bachlorette #2.  we are going to the Grease Singalong.   i am sooooooooo Rizzo.   will try to take a picture before i go for you all. 

have a great night!  i know i will!

like i could *ever* be in the closet....

i was back in tampa this week for work.   part of the trip was a site visit out to my favorite project.   as all the sissy old straight men climbed into the air conditioned truck, i grabbed the gator (cross between a golf cart and an atv and great for off roading) and the new guy and decided to see the natural side of florida the RIGHT way.   it was so much fun.   we rode around about 800 acres for a couple hours.  got up close with some cows (real picture to the right) and even came across some wild hogs.   fun, fun.

before i went to tampa i had a meet and greet/date with bachelorette#1.    it went really well.   we met up at a starbucks and talked for a couple hours.  we mostly talked about books -- which is such an aphrodisiac to this geek.    i did come out to her about the surgery.   what happened was...my surgeon's office had an open house earlier in the evening for the new bariatric support center they opened up.  it is a satellite office to meet with the nutritionist, buy bariatric specific shakes and vitamins and where we will hold our support group meetings in the near future.  very nice.  so i told bachelorette #1 over the phone that i was going to an open house at my doctor's and i would see her after that.   i am a very bad liar.  i wouldn't even say that... i just lack a filter about the truth and real world that i don't think to lie or bend the truth.  so of course, once we met she was kind of curious of why i would go to an open house at my doctor's.... so i told her what kind of doctor it was and just explained that i am very involved in the office going-ons because of support group and it is important to me.   it went over so naturally and casually.   she mentioned that she had a friend who had bypass surgery and gained a lot back "because she didn't have support".  (does anyone else find themselves being told a lot by others about all the people they know who "failed" at this?  i don't think it is mean spirited...i just don't think people realize that even us successful folks live with an eternal fear of "diet failure"...).  she did ask me how much i lost -- i told her 140 told and about 80 since surgery --- but i was able to find my filter and NOT pull out my 373 picture on my first date.  lol.

bachelorette #2 --- who i am meeting on saturday but have been talking to on the phone -- also knows.   we were talking and she asked me why i was single for so long.  i mean, seriously, i could understand that curiosity...she has this fabulous skinny bitch on the phone and it just doesn't make sense...lol...kidding.    so i told her that i put myself on a hiatus while i focused on myself after weight loss surgery.   i knew she would most likely be ok with it since earlier in the conversation we had already established that we BOTH had dated the woman i mentioned in a previous post who had weight loss surgery.   (the jewish lesbian dating pool is very small at times).    she was more than ok with it and gave me a congratulations.   she has also been sending me flirty emails all week after this conversation...so i have a feeling she is ok with this.   

it was also funny to be asked by her how current my pictures were in my online profile and to be able to tell her that they were from about 2 months ago and i weigh 20 pounds less.   you don't know how many people post pictures from 1993 in their profiles....

so everybody knows.  nobody cares.  typical narcissist letdown for me.  lol. 

tomorrow is my 8th month post-op check-up.  EIGHT MONTHS.  just crazy.  i have a feeling that this weigh-in will be below the 10 pound a month mark.   and i am already prepared to be ok with it.  i have needed a slight fill for about two weeks but have not gone on purpose.  three weeks ago i was having a lot of visceral tightness due to stress while i was in north carolina for work.   three days straight of throwing up every meal.   so i wanted to give my band some time to heal.  then with the mid-week tampa trips last week and this week i did not want to travel and be caught out of town with tightness again since the tampa trips include a lot of community dinners and me presenting to large crowds. and running out of the room or away from a table from elected official to throw up was not an option.  so...i am giving myself this past month as a "break" and look forward to be back on track by 9:30 tomorrow morning.   i just need a smidge...

oh no she didnt.............

so not only do i have a date tomorrow night ... i also have a date with someone else saturday night. (going to the grease sing-a-long no less!) so tonight i decided to run into The Avenue (plus size store) for a new shirt to wear saturday night.   i saw this really cool shirt with 80s style square jewels/stud things.   so i asked the sales woman for a 14/16 because there was only one on the floor (22/24) and one hanging up on the wall.   she said the one on the wall was an 18/20 and i crinkled my nose thinking it would be too big.  that frickin bitch had the nerve to look me up AND down as to suggest that maybe i needed that 18/20.   and in a moment of former fat bitch panic i gave in and told her i would try on the 18/20.   it was a frickin dress on me.  and you know i made sure to come out of that dressing room and show her.   lol.  

i have to say it is kind of weird to barely fit into clothes anymore at only store i have pretty much shopped at for the last 12 years....   i did end up with another shirt of similar style in a size 14/16....and i do have to say i look cute in it......grrl....i can NOT wait for saturday night! lol.

coming out of the other kind of closet

i have a kind of/sort of date on tuesday.  (yay!)  it is someone i met online and since we are going to meet at a starbucks it is really more of a meet and greet than a date....but....i am wondering "when" in my dating (because i plan to do a lot of it) do i mention the surgery and ongoing weight loss?

i am totally open about the surgery in every other aspect of my life.   i offer up that information to anyone who asks or don't asks.   but what about a date?   before we meet?   the first meet?  down the road?  and how?  i just don't know and any advice or experience is appreciated.

my only experience with this is on the receiving end.  a couple years ago i went out with someone who had previously had bypass surgery.  ("wilma" for my real life friends).  it was actually also a meet and greet at a starbucks and we hit it off and decided to leave starbucks and go for sushi.  she allowed me to order first and i ordered what a typical women over 300 pounds does -- 2 or 3 different rolls.   she ordered a small maki roll.   and after the waiter walked off she told me she could not eat a lot because she had surgery.   of course all *my* far insecurities came rushing to me and i felt duped.  like a big fat pig on display.  of course, i didn't say that and she didn't seem to mind since the next few times we did go out it was to eat.   but i think she was a "feeder" since she  she also left baked goods at my house a couple times while i was at work.  

anyhoo... i just remember feeling very self-conscious and, like i said, a little deceived after i ordered all that sushi and i don't want to make anyone ever feel that way.   and the woman who i am seeing on tuesday identifies herself as a "few extra pounds".   sure, i shouldn't assume she will feel insecure.   but i just don't know what to do and when.  i was thinking of just bringing it up casually at starbucks in the context of bike riding, etc.  

and, of course, part of this is my vain inner skinny bitch wanting to scream "i don't really look like this.   this is just a step on the downward staircase of my weight"!!!!!

what to do?  what to do?