life is unfair.....

as i sat down tonight to do a real blog titled "the good, the bad, and the ugly"....about how much i love my new job (the good), how i am struggling with eating disorder crap (the bad) and how much i hate my body (the ugly) i got an email.   an email from an ex.   she is the one i have said is the "one who got away".   we have not been together for about 2 or 3 years  -- my mind if racing tonight and i can not do the fucking math for the life of me.   

i fucked our relationship up big time.  she will tell you she fucked it up big time.   

well....tonight she sent me "the email".   she disclosed from the get-go she was trashed. but also said she was clear headed about what she felt in her heart.  she said everything.  everything i needed to hear and everything i wanted to hear.   i don't know what will happen from here.   there are some roadblocks we both will need to deal with.  and i will just say life is sometimes so fucking unfair.

and speaking of unfair...i bought a dress off the clearance rack at macys.  oh yeah...it is a size medium.  fucking medium.   never in all my lexicon did i speak of wearing a size medium....but i am.   what is unfair is my arms.   i work my ass off to get to this point to look like a circus freakshow.   

i am using my payout from my former job to get my arms done and a breast lift.  i will eventually need a tummy tuck (i need one NOW, actually)....but have decided to do my arms and breasts first since they affect my outward appearance more.   i want to wait until after summer due to my natural tanning starting this time of year -- to avoid the darkening of my scars and because i spend most of the summer camping and i don't want to be limited in my mobility.   as of right now i am looking at the end of september/early october to get them done.   until then....it is sooooooooooooooooooo frickin unfair that i have to wear a jacket over this dress to hide my arms.

if the shoe doesn't fit....

get rid of it, heidi!

i do like my shoes.   now, i have heard about people losing a lot of weight and their shoe size changing.  but i have been a size 10 since i was a kid.   my grandmother was a size 10 and it was just one more thing that put me in the running to be her favorite...which i was, of course.   in fact many many many women in my family have size 10s.  in our family it is known as "B_______ (family name) Feet".  it is a badge of honor.   well...i guess i am up for adoption because now i wear a size 9 or 9 1/2.   the picture to the right shows the soles of an old pair of black chunky flip flops and a new pair. 

the truth is that as i got bigger i was no longer just a size 10.  i was a size 10 wide or even a size 11.   in birkenstocks i was a size 41 or 42.   same things with my dansko clogs.    i am now a size 39 in birkenstocks and just bought a pair of shoes from The Walking Company yesterday at size 39.

after spending the $$$$$ at The Walking Company yesterday and going through the experience of literally dropping from size 41 to 39 in the store until i found the right fit....i told myself that i need to start getting rid of shoes that don't fit.

so i came home, opened the closet and this is what i saw....it does not even include the roughly 5 pairs scattered around the house....

so i literally pulled out about 40 pairs of shoes and this is what i was left with....

now....here is the thing...most of the shoes still in my closet are size 10s or 11s.   the only pairs that are the right size are two pairs of work shoes, one pair of birkenstocks, one pair of boots and 3 pairs of flip flops (i am a florida girl and i have my priorities...).   the rest are either a. not stretched out too much and i need for work, etc or b. very unique or expensive and i just can't get rid of yet....in fact the bottom two shelves are filled with shoes that cost $$$$$$$.  the bottom shelf is double stacked with birkenstocks and the shelf above it is my european clogs that i just love dearly.

what i have told myself is that as each type of shoe is replaced i need to get rid of the too big one.  so when i finally get my new purple sequin chuck taylors -- the black one stars go.    some of the big sneakers and birkenstocks will be relocated to my camper this summer and i will wear the crap out of them there. 

i didn't even touch the way up high top shelf that has all my doc marteens and NaNa boots from back in the day.....i may be ready to give up my former obese self but i will never let go of my former punk grrl self....

talk about going outside my comfort zone....

yesterday was my last day at my job.  an employer i have been with for almost 7 years.  i found out i was pregnant the day i interviewed for my job.   this job has been my life for 7 years.   i have put everything i had into the job.   the decision to leave my job was heart-wrenching.  i loved my job.   it is kind of weird today to not have that position as part of my identity.  there are reminders everywhere.  only one car outside the house since i had to turn in my work-issued suv.    only 1/3 the amount of keys on my keychain since i had to turn in my truck key and keys for my offices all over the state.   my purse was lighter today because i am down to only one phone.   so everything is just uncomfortable...from looking out at my car to holding my keys.   it is all i have known for 7 years.   and now...POOF...it is gone. 

but the time was right to move on.   the opportunity in front of me is the right one for me.   it is a going to be a lot of work.  a new challenge.  it will also be less money which will be an adjustment for the princess and i.    but most important to me is that i can be out of the closet at this job.   100%.  not just to "some" people.  i am starting this just with authenticity on my side.   it is fucking amazing.

i begin my new position on monday.   one of the things i am sooooooo looking forward to is the opportunity for a fresh start.    a new body.  a new professional outlook.  at my old job i was seen as "intense, intimidating and tall".    beginning monday i can be whoever i want to be.... and i really just want to be me....a professional woman who can stand to lose a few pounds but who is confident and polished.   who does not feel the need to overcompensate for her appearance.  who does not feel like crap physically all the time.  

i talked about this in therapy yesterday.  this is a big thing in front of me.  i need to stay focused.  i need to keep my addiction in check.  and that is the challenge facing me.   i do not have my drug of choice anymore -- food.   i need to cope with the challenges appropriately.    my fear is that if i can not cope i will lash out or react through behavior...which will lead back to my work reputation of being a bitch....which is what i do not want.   so the therapeutic plan is for me to not date, not be around toxic "friends" or situations...to stay focused on my job and family.  at least through the summer.   my therapist said i need to be pragmatic in my approach.  focused and on task.   i feel like i can do that.  i think if i work hard to maintain behavioral control it will help me not relapse with my weight loss, nor get into situations that are not healthy for me or will be frustrating -- like dating someone who is not healthy....so that part of my life is on hold.  i am also making some other appearance/behavioral changes.  i will be stepping up my wardrobe for this new position and plan to wear dresses and pantyhose at least 3 out of the 4 work days every week.

i am so excited for monday.   ready for this next chapter of my life.

here is a picture of me at an event at my former job about a year and half after i started and then a picture of me on my last day.

being an addict....a response to your comments

i guess this is part 2 of the judgemental blog....  yes.  i am an addict.  i agree.  i am addicted to eat/coping through food.   not just coping with bad things...coping with life in general.

the last session i had with My Therapist we talked about how i feel like the "weight loss" part of my mental health journey is pretty much in control and how i really want to dive into the addict stuff.   we talked about how i often think throughout the day "holy shit.  i am an addict".   as an aside she suggested accupuncture.   i still need to find time to look into that.

when i meet with My New Therapist on friday i think i am really going to talk to her about the addict stuff.

when i got the comments to my last blog in my email they each came right.at.the.right.moment.   when i was questioning myself and my boundaries.  when i was about to give in to the woman "suggesting" that instead of us meeting for coffee the other night she "just come over" to my house.  i have kindly, and without saying much about my boundaries yet, put her on hold until i get my head on a little more straight (ha!) with the thoughts of my addiction and her condition.

i think the comments i received were so helpful and spot on i wanted to respond and explore them here...

from DiZneDiVa /Maria
It's is hard hearing people say that they are comfortable with the weight they're at or comfortable with their bodies... When you've been there and know it's not true. I don't think you should not date someone because of their weight but you need to do what's best for you and dating someone with weight issues currently, maybe cause a relapse for you like any addict. Addicts are told not to date fellow addicts. It may be good for her to date you, see how you eat and change her own habits but I wouldn't want you to get too involved and end up getting hurt when you realize the relationship is causing you more harm then good. I was 475 pounds... so I know the emotional torment that comes from that.

my thoughts: yes, maria.  you are right.  i am an addict and i need to function as one in EVERY aspect of my life .   your response was first and it helped validate me and and nudge me that it is "ok" to identify as an addict. 

Marie said...

Good post. I do think you need to think about your boundaries and how dating someone who is obese affects you. You want to lead a healthy lifestyle and does this person want to do the same? I know that is important to me in finding someone to have a relationship with. This lifestyle is just that - a lifestyle and we have worked so hard to get the weight off. Being with a partner who helps us with these goals is very important. Good luck!!!

my thoughts:  boundaries.  my boundaries.  i need to think about my boundaries more consciously.  thank you.

amandakiska said...

This would be really hard for me. I've always been a bit of a "chubby chaser" myself, but I have changed so much and I'd be afraid that my healthy habits would be de-railed by associating with someone who has such different priorities.

my thoughts:  i am not even a "chubby chaser".  my type usually is very good girl types or girls who pretty much have men falling over hemselves to get to. but i definitely like a nice body with appropriate curves. always have. always will.  in college i dated the girls that the guys were gaga about.  the last night in the dorms senior year i got an earful about that from some drunk frat guys.  after years of them being asses and homophobes to me they actually were less homophobic when one of them said "man, you always get the hot chicks.  can you teach us your tricks?"  he was drunk and being actually kind of nice.  but i wasn't so nice.  lol.  oh well. 


but i digress....i am not even a chubby chaser...and i am not physcially attractive to her at all.  so why i am even going along with this?  HMMMMM.....either my underlying driving need to "win" people or i am lonely.  worth exploring.  i think i know the answer is loneliness.  talked about it in therapy last week.  thanks.

Bonnie said...
You've made a lot of great points. It's amazing how far you've come physically and emotionally.

my thoughts:  thank you, mama.   sometimes i feel so lost and alone.  thanks for the vote of confidence. 

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Great post!

my thoughts:  thank you for getting me.  just not now.  but always.  and for challenging me with your blog, as well.

Read said...
On the dating thing - all the things that worry you would totally worry me too. I'd want to be really careful even if that meant being overly careful. I'd want to honestly and frankly 'checking in' with myself on a very regular basis. Is this still okay with me - for me. Is this healthy for me, is this doing good things for my self esteem and outlook on life. You'll know when it's not the right thing. Until then good luck and I hope you're having fun.

my thoughts:  i think the "checking in" is a very good point.  in the beginning of this journey we focus so much on mindless eating and i think this part of the journey is really about avoiding mindless living.   not look for exterior validation of my body or stimulation but really checking in with our insides on the affects of our choices. 

Gen said...
Wow I think it would be so complicated to date someone with serious weight issues. All the things you are thinking - I would be thinking too. I like Read's answer - keep checking in with yourself to be sure its okay with your emotional health and the progress you have made so far.

my thoughts:  thanks, gen.  i think i needed to hear it was ok to say out loud to myself that i am not ok with dating someone who is obese. 

Karen said..
I'm wondering how you feel about the person you're dating? I mean, are you as into her as she is into you? That could well be the determining factor as to whether it's worth the extra mental effort on your part NOT to fall back into 'comfortable' habits of over-eating, since she's "ok" with it.

my thoughts:  the truth is NO.  i am not into her as she is into me.  i am not attractive to her physically, yet she emails me all the time that she is attracted to me physically.   dating women is a lot different than dating men.  most women want to go right into the relationship and she is already doing stuff like that.  i am a dater.   yesterday i was even reflecting back to a conversation we had were she asked me -- in kind of a hesitant way -- "you date a lot of women?"   i told her i like to go on dates and meet people.   she told me she has only had four "relationships".    big difference and i need to hear that better when it is said.   she is much more close, familiar and intimate in her communication with me than i am with her.   women also do something that i have been told men do not do...which is they like to set ground rules early on..."when i am with someone i tend to tell them they are beautiful everyday".  "i am ALWAY blah blah blah in my relationships".   i am not like that.  each relationship is different for me.  i can not perdict how i will be. 

Carmen said...
it is hard not to be judgemental, especially when we know that there are options....

as far as dating someone who is "fat" while trying to change your life with the band, that is REALLY hard. my bf had bypass a few years before i met him and has put back on 75+ lbs since we've been together. spending time with someone who isn't on the same track eating wise or activity wise is difficult, it makes it so much easier to slip back into bad habits.


you are in a good place, so.....AWARE. do all you can to stay (or go further ahead) where you are, not backslide...

my thoughts:  THANK YOU. i know you are dealing with some of this in real-time so i appreciate your honesty.   on being "AWARE"... yeah, it is a good place to be but it can be so tiring and hard.   i just want the ability, some days, to put my guard down, go with the flow AND have everything be ok in the end.  insert underlying control freak issues here....lol 

thank you so much for all your comments.  you really helped me.  i am either going to take this woman to the friend zone or nothing.   one of the things we talked about in therapy last week was me add things ONLY of value to my all ready full life and eliminating those that are toxic or no value.     i think i know where i stand with this woman.

being judgemental

so...last night i was watching Heavy on A&E.   i was enjoying this show a lot but notice that the format is getting old for me....same ole same ole.    so i hate to admit this, but i was secretly pleased to see the woman last night left her husband...just because it shook things up a little on the show's format.  i also think, in all seriousness, that her revelations about their relationship throughout the show were very on par with some of the emotional journey stuff we face in our extreme weight loss.  

but more to the point of this post...when they were introducing the woman last night and she was talking about having to sleep in a chair, not being intimate with her newlywed husband, etc.  i actually stopped in front of the TV and said to myself pretty clearly "my god, woman, how did you let it get this bad?".   WHOA!  who am i to judge?   she weighed in at 435.   my known highest is only about 50-60 pounds more than her.  WHO AM I TO JUDGE?   i felt bad about being so judgemental, but at the same time i noticed that my judgement was so detached and finite.

in my personal life, as i alluded to i met someone recently.  i am struggling with this one.   she is professional, a mom with a very similar "how i became a mom" story as me, nice, etc.    she is fat.   very fat.  lesbian comfort zone fat.    she also came across my "fat" pictures through a social group i am in that has old pictures of me on it from past events.   so she knows i had surgery.  and her response, like my own response for many years when i was on her side of the obesity table, was "i am very comfortable with my body".  

this scares me.    it scares me because i am stuck on the scale somewhere between 194 and 201.   it scares me because based on the feedback i get -- daily (ugh) -- i look good to others, i feel good and i look healthy and wear my current weight well.     i am worried that if i go out with a fat-positive woman i am going to justify staying this weight, or worse, gain weight.  i find myself judging her weight...questioning my attractiveness to her. of course, this is all muddied by the fact that she is very into me and pursuing my aggressively while i am trying to get my thoughts together.

but believe it, or not, these judgements are great...wonderful...amazing.... at least i think so....i think the judgement of the woman on TV last night was a major turning point for me in the "letting go" category.   once my enmeshment issues were identified in therapy one of the things i noticed is that i would be at random place
s, like disney, and see an obese person and instantly identify with them.  i had to work real hard with behavioral re-adjustment to think "heidi, that fat woman is over there and has nothing to do with you, your weight loss or how you look".    so for a "that woman" judgement to come so naturally to me... big time progress. 
 

i think the dating judgement is the same.    i think i am finally at a point where i am ready for healthy boundaries and to put myself first and not get confused by someone being really into me and just going along with it and regretting it.    (see previous so-called friend post for further proof).  

 

i am ok with being judgemental.  i am not out to hurt anyone unnecessarily  and have to stop worrying about that.   i am ready to take care of myself.  protect myself.  and stand firm in my established boundaries.

 

i am going to leave you with this blast from the past....me... at my highest.  in key west on a boat.  with my natural curly hair!!!!   and another of me at gay pride this weekend shoving food into my mouth.   the princess got her haircut that morning and blownout out straight.  

 

My Therapist

those bloggers here who have spent time with me know that i start every 3.5 sentences with these words...My Therapist....

well....My Therapist has left me.  left florida.  left her practice.   she had to and i understand her personal reasons.   but it does not make this any easier.  

recently i did a gratitude list as homework for a session.   the top of the list was "My Therapist".  i am glad i did, because i was able to tell her that to her face.   i told her, somewhat emotionally, that she saved my life and i really believe she did.     the band, nor my surgeon, did not save my life.  the band is a tool.   she gave me the strength and clarity to work the tool and live beyond the weight loss.  she called me on my shit.   she did not let me big personality run the show as it has on-and-off for the past 20 years of therapy attempts.  

with that being said....i do not believe my therapy work is done.  and neither does she.   so she has passed me onto a colleague who she trusts.   (she also bugged me until i made my first appointment with the therapist because, as she pointed out, i was probably rationalizing quitting therapy...and she was right).   so, i met with My Therapist Part 2 this week.   she is good.  she is nice.  she is feeling me out as much as i am feeling her out.   she is committed to the long term plan My Therapist and i originally laid out.   i am not sure if she is strong enough to over power my bullshit and call me on it but she did ask me to tell her what worked best with My Therapist and i think i need to ask her to call me on my shit more.    we will see where this goes.   i also want to go on record as saying that the only other therapist that i had in my life who was getting somewhere with me "left me" for very similar personal reasons....my dumb luck, huh?

in other news...i am really run down this week.  it is my first week back at work after my gall bladder surgery.  it is also my first week of my two week notice and as such my co-workers and employees are literally sucking my brain out of my head since seven years ago when i started none of the structure that we have today, their departments, their jobs existed.   it is exhausting.    it is also somewhat sad.   this job has been a big chapter in my life.   i found out i was pregnant the day i interviewed for my job.   i work for not just a government but a people, a community, a culture.   you don't do what i did for almost 7 years with/for them without getting attached.   tomorrow i am traveling to tell some of the elected officials personally of my plans to leave.   each conversation is hard. 

add to that the fact that my new job is already heating up...i was approved at a public meeting this week by the elected body (kind of exhilarating to be at that level of professional position in my career...the fact that i am voted on... btw), i have been contacted by some people at the new job regarding future projects, etc.     and of course, i have the usual stuff of being a mom (the princess was bitten by our dog as i was running out to be voted on...talk about working mother guilt that night....), dealing with a biting dog who now has a stomach virus, trying to lose weight and...yes...and, i have met "someone"....not going to say too much right now about that....we'll see...

the picture is what i wore to the public meeting when i was approved for my job.   it is from the post-surgery day kohls shopping trip.   i love it.  it is me.  heidi.  in a size large vera wang dress.   yep.   excuse the proportion of the picture....the princess took it so it is coming from a lower position and, in my opinion, makes me look kind of drag queen/amazon-esque.  

what to wear, what to wear...

i am having a (fun) identity crisis.   i don't know what my style is anymore.  i am not really stressing it...instead just having fun with it....there are 3 distinct styles that i playing around with lately...

1. punk rock/20-something wannabe look.  chunky strip shirts.  skinny jeans or mini skirts with knee socks or boots.  chunky jewelry.   my one star chucks.  hair spiked up, of course.

2.  hippie chick.  flowy dresses.  tie-dye shirts or skirts.  remember those broom stick skirts from college?   dangling earrings.  birkenstocks.  i will admit that this is the only style that i usually end the day feeling "fat".

3.  power mom chic.  lots of dresses that go to above my saggy knees.  panty hose.  heels.  nice jewelry.  or for casual skinny jeans, flats and a blazer with a shirt.  

(i will try to take pics this week of each look)

i am really enjoying #3 during the week and #1 during the weekend.   i think i am going to ease out of #2 because while i really like it...until i have my flat stomach and tight upper arms, i need to wear things that are not adding to the fluffiness.

i don't know why....but it seems weird to me to be punk one day and corporate the next.  i know it is "OK" but for some reason it feel inauthentic....

on an unrelated note...i am releasing an all-points bulletin....my restriction is gone.  gone, baby, gone.  i am supposed to have my 2 week post gall bladder surgery appointment on friday and was going to get a fill but i am going to move it up if they have time because i feel like i am gaining weight by the day.

speaking of gaining weight...yes, this will be a bad transition...lol...i am so excited for ruby to start again tonight on the style network.   she is bat-shit crazy and i love her.  (and i get a little lesbian vibe from her....ask amy w. about my prediction of lesbians....lol).      so, to get ready for ruby, i have sent the princess to bed early tonight (she was tired anyways), have gotten all my chores done, just need to write my official resignation letter for tomorrow and walk the dogs.... and then at 7 my ass is on the sofa with my ruby.  lol.