Proof I am still alive....

living in material world...

last week i told my Fashionable Girlfriend™ (MFGF™) that i welcomed her help in finding my new style to go along with my new body.   the fact that i shared that "need" with her to begin with is a huge step for my narcissistic self.  

one thing i am struggling with is that i want to hide my trouble spots, i want to embrace my inner punk more that i have more options and i want to not look fat.    one example i gave MFGF™ is that when i was larger that i wore those flowy flower tops all the time because that is all they sold in my size.   so want to avoid flowy because i associate them with being fat.  but yet i want to avoid tight shirts because they cling to my middle.  

so...anyhoo...MFGF™ staged a mini-intervention with me this weekend.   it was gentle and great.  i told her that the "trying on" part was the hardest for me because it was just me, the full length mirror and all my skin and imperfections.  she would always ask me if i "wanted" to try on -- instead of pushing me into something.  she would sneak into the dressing rooms after the clerk told us only one person allowed and she would distract me from the mirror.

here are my takeways....

1.  i need to stop putting off buy "good" permanent clothes, specifically tops,  now that i am 40 pounds from final goal.   i am wearing a Large.   it will be a long time before i get into a Medium -- if i even do based on my style and body type -- and MFGF™ said the Large items i buy now will still continue to fit -- just differently.  she pointed out that it was affecting my quality of life.  for example, we were going down to south beach for breakfast and i was on the verge of a breakdown because i could not figure out what to wear. i am ok with work clothes but i have nothing for the weekend -- day or night.  frustrating.

2.  i need to invest in good bras.  (i told MFGF™ about jen's bra find and she agrees with the possibilities).   i need to wear good bras when i am clothes shopping so i can get positive results in the dressing room.

3. MFGF™ kept telling me i was picking up clothes that are not cut right for my body.  after some back and forth and exploration of this she said that she thinks i am buying for the 18-24 year old set and not the 30-something (fine, almost 40) set.   and when she finally drilled down to that observation it occurred to me that i am probably drawn to the Guess hipster look or the Roxy stuff because when i was 18-24 i didn't fit into this stuff and i got to go along and watch all my friends buy these clothes.  once we recognized this it was easier for us to negotiate styles.  while, she is still holding strong with the benetton and anthropologie clothes -- i am able now to understand and rein myself in (somewhat) on the stuff that just doesn't look right on me but i WANT anyways.    i pointed out to her that at least my post-surgical regression was teenage fashion and not promiscuous sex or drugs.  she still wasn't giving me a hall pass at the Quicksilver store.  lol.    i totally get what she is saying and i am right there with her....but it is not going to stop me from getting this shirt at Guess...lol... i love the fucking 80s.   

i really think it is great that i have access to a knowledgeable, critical yet loving fashion eye.  and a lot of what MFGF™ says makes sense.   most importantly, i needed someone to say to me and point out that i needed to invest in clothes NOW if i want to feel good about my physical self.  that would have never occurred to me!

day 365

today is a day of reflection.   it is the last day of the first year of the rest of my life.  (geez....the tears are already flowing....).   tomorrow will be my one-year band anniversary.   

it really has been a couple weeks of reflection.  starting with a visit with Babbling Amy on October 29.   it was just wonderful.  we talked.  the kids played.  we sat in the hot tub.   we at AMAZING homemade broccoli ham cheddar soup.   we both talked about being "stuck" both on the scale and in our heads.   and we decided that our one-year anniversaries need not be "Day 366" but Day 1.   it is not the homestretch.  it is a new beginning.  for me, i have to lose 40 more pounds.  i have lost a gazillion this year....i *think* i can eeek out another 40.   seriously.  is 1/3 of what i have lost this year.   it is really 3-4 pounds a month over the next year.  sure, it is a step back from my rockstar 10 pounders....but not only totally doable--- but really realistic.  

i think know sometimes i get lost up in the big picture and forget to look around at the small moments.   as i typed the paragraph above i reminded myself that the first 80 pounds were lost on this journey in increments of 40.   time for me to step back and go back to the basics. 

i am training with a personal trainer twice a week.  she is the same lady that comes to my support group once a month.   four of us got together and she agreed to train with us at the same time for only $20 each per session.  it is great.  lots of one on one time.  she is helping me focus on my arms and belly.  

love life is divine.  i am definitely in the pre-stages of love.  she is just incredible.  i can't believe she is in my life.   we are really happy together.

i am still struggling with the mirror of distortion vs. the mirror of reality....so i share the following for my own reinforcement.

last year at Disney Halloween Party: 

this year.... (the princess is aerial and i am ursala from the little mermaid):

me at the grown-up halloween party last year:

me at the grown-up halloween party this year:

and so many NSVs in the last month it is sometime overwhelming.... i never really blogged in whole about vegas...so some NSVs from that trip and a report on buffet eating....

Vegas NSVs:

• i never got tired from walking.

• i danced on a bar.    in order to dance on a bar you need to climb up and down from the bar.  did that.   
•  sat on the floor of the airport.
• and i fucking ziplined down a street off the top of a 5 story building.  to do that one must get weighed.  i was waved on by by the lovely woman who stood guard at the scale.  the guy in front of me weighed in at 250 and was told he was right on the dot. 
• i shopped at Guess and bought myself two new items of clothing.  the young sales girl did not give me a funny look...instead she ran around the store picking out things she thought would look perfect on lil ole me.
• while in vegas i threw out a lot of the clothes i wore -- including all my pajamas because they were ridiculously big. 

(real quick on the buffets.... i was able to use my medical card at two buffets and pay the child's price...the M resort and the Rio....two of the nicer buffets i am told.  at our hotel the Freemont Hotel they would not allow a discount on the buffet but instead told me i could order and pay ala carte...bleech)

and here are some other NSVs....

• my personal trainer sees me as "advance" in what i can do.  i am the last person to have surgery in our group of four but she sees me as the one she can push because i don't have any "limitations".

• the hot woman i am dating stayed over the other night and did not have anything to wear the next day...so she pulled a pair of pants and a sweater out of my closet and wore them.  she is a perfect womanly size 12.  the pants were regular size 14s. Sweater was INC large.  sweater was perfect on her, pants were a little baggy.  to think i have a girlfriend who can wear my clothes....strange.   awesome.

• i wore a size 12 old navy denin skirt yesterday. 

• it feels like of cruel saying this...but it *was* one of my goals... i am NOT the fattest mom in my daughter's kindergarten class.

the jimmy buffett song "lovely cruise" has been in my head all morning.   if you don't know it...google it...listen to it... you need the tune to understand the words....i shall leave you with the lyrics as my final thoughts on this past year....because, really,  those harbor lights....they're coming into view

 

 

Drink it up

 

This ones for you

 

It's been a lovely cruise

 

I'm sorry it's ended

 

It's sad but it's true

 

Honey it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments were left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

There's wind in our hair

 

And there's water in our shoes

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments we're left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

And those harbor lights

 

Aw they're coming into view

 

We bid our farewell much too soon

 

So drink it up

 

This one's for you

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Yea baby, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Oh darlin' it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 



checking in....

so much to catch up about....

in no particular order:

blogging: 

yeah... i have been slacking.  i really really really have been busy.   i have wanted to.  i have also not really read any blogs in probably two weeks.   tomorrow i am going over to babbling amy's house so i plan to catch up on her blog tonight because i think it would be very shitty of me to eat her homemade food, swim in her heated pool and spend one on one time with her (yes, i am taunting all of you) without knowing what is going on in her life.   

i am at a point of either being overwhelmed with catching up and walking away or taking a week off work to catch up.   i am going to approach this in the middle and pledge to be better about following and being inspired by you all from this point going forward.  i can not commit to catching up.

love/lust/attraction/dating (whatever you want to call it):

the night before i left for Vegas i met an amazing woman.   we shall call her "M".   M and i spent a lot of time while i was in vegas communicating.   emails, texts, phone dates, pictures, etc.   by the time i got back we were already moving along....  remember my rants about my friends saying i deserve someone on my "level"?  i will admit i FINALLY get what they were saying.   she challenges me at my so-called level.   she is smart.  she is witty.  she is nice.  she is a good jewish girl with a private wild side.   and let me just put it out there....she is fucking hot.   hot.    like i said we met before i went to vegas.   day after i came home she came over to hang out.  and then we went our first real date saturday night.  it was an EIGHT hour date.    and it has only gotten better from there.  

of course, just because i am dating her does not mean all my body image issues have disappeared.   as you can imagine, they have only been magnified in my mind...fortunately, my therapist and i worked through some of this and helped me formulate a great sentence that allowed me to put my body issues (both reality and my perception issues) out there....i told M: "i feel like that the way i look to you in my clothes is very misleading to what i really look like under my clothes".   her response?  "that was very brave to say."  AND "nothing you have said so far scares me".    since this conversation...well, um...well...she got to see for herself what i was talking about.   but here is where my life takes a turn i was not expecting a month ago, a week ago, a day ago.   after we were, um, together she called me an hour after leaving my house to make sure i was ok with my body stuff in light of what happened.  now, this was after her totally seeing me.  talking in the nude for a couple hours, too.   and then told me that she was really enjoying "exploring" my body.  ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?  *this* is now my life?

plastic surgery:

i was denied coverage by my insurance.  i actually got the call in vegas.  i pretty much kept it to myself except i told my friend K while we were there.  i plan to appeal it.   basically the plastic surgeon did a shitty submittal and did not respond to them when they requested specific information.  fortunately, i can appeal myself and i plan to.  obviously, i can not give up control to anyone....lol.

body image:

talked about it a little up there...but it is really an issue.   i have no idea what i look like.  apparently this is me at a bar....  HUH?   really?    also -- i am dating a hot chick who texts me while she is at "skinny" girl stores and tells me they have an article of clothing i mentioned the day before.   doesn't she know that when FAT people like me walk into those stores that cater to skinny teenage girls we get dirty looks?    yeah.  heidi.  wake the fuck up and stop looking in the mirror of distortion.... the mirror of reality is your friend.   i am doing major work in therapy with this....but i will not lie to you...i am struggling.   i KNOW i bought all size large (not XL) in vegas.    but i don't SEE an "average" size large when i look in the mirror.  i am not stupid...and that makes this situation more and more frustrating to me.    (ps.  the shirt is that pic is a large and i threw it out in vegas because it had a couple holes in it and i felt it was too loose on me....funny, i just thought of that....)

scale:

i am still self-imposed scale probation.   the "problem" is that in two weeks i will no longer be visiting my surgeon's office on a monthly basis.   so i talked it over with my therapist and i will now keep a scale at her office and weigh in there every two weeks.   i was doing the public free scale at the grocery store on the sly but she astutely pointed out to me that i need to stop using that because 1. 500 people a day hop on it thus affecting its accuracy and 2. grocery stores are not good places for people with eating disorders to weigh themselves....duh...lol.    

with all this being said...the scale is stuck at 212.   which leads me to...

exercise:

i am hoping to start semi-private personal training sessions twice a week with other lap-banders i know. hopefully this will help get the scale moving again.  the trainer is the woman who comes to our support group once a month.  she is willing to do more intense work with a small group for a nice small fee.   i showed her my fat where there should be abs and swears she can fix that.   i think if some of those areas tighten up i will feel better about the mirror.   the apron is definitely surgery territory...but i will concede to some toning.

ok.... that is enough for tonight.... i need my beauty sleep..... did i mention that i have a hot date with a hot bandster tomorrow?

as i told some guy in a bar last night....

life is not worth living without photographic evidence....

i am home from vegas, apparently.   i will post more tomorrow about some band related stuff during the trip and other updates.   in the meantime....viva las vegas, baby!

(this picture is TOTALLY staged...but funny, nonetheless to me....you had to be there.....)

Flying.......

Ziplined down Freemont Street tonight.    Amazing.  Exhilarating.   Freeing.  Fucking awesome.....

So what....

This is my dinner.  Ok.  We all know I will only get down 3 spoonfuls.....but they will each be their own slice of heaven......