random and scattered monday thoughts....

i can honestly say today that i have good alignment with my personal mirror of distortion vs. mirror of reality.   without looking at a picture i see a thinner me in the mirror and even when i look down at my body.   i think this is extremely important to me....because when i feel "fat" i act "fat".  i eat "fat".  i dress "fat".  i think "fat".   today, i hope to go into this new year acting, eating, dressing and thinking thin.  

speaking of dressing fat.... i fucking love jeggings.  OMG.   what a great fashion item for me to find at this point in my weight loss journey.  jeggings, of which i own 3 pairs, allow my to show off all my deliciousness appropriately.   it is the skinny jeans 2.0 for girls, like me, who have stomach apron disproportionately larger than the rest of your body.  i can have "skinny" legs.  even tuck my pants into boots without baggy knees poking out -- yet the waistband gives me the comfort and support at my waist.

i feel very prepared with my food today on one hand.   but feel a little binge-y on the other hand.  i have my lunch bag packed with good foods.   including:

• my salmon salad -- made with light mayo, goat cheese and a couple olive slices --about 1/2 cup -- 16 grams protein
• 2 cheese crisps to have with salmon salad-- wheat free crackers -- 4grams protein, 2 carbs.
• homemade brisket chilli (my protein calculation is 20gram protein) with 1/4 cup of cheese (2 carbs/7 protein -- and 9grams fat!!!!) and 5 saltine crackers (11 carbs/1gram protein)
• two turkey/laughing cow -- the chipolte flavor YUM -- roll ups (turkey: 1 carb/4 protein...cheese: 2 carbs / 6 protein)
• homemade egg salad (eggs: 2 carbs/12 priotein...mayo: 1 carb)
• 1oz cubed cheese (8 grams protein -- 9 grams fat!!!)

i started the day off with a bariatric advantage banana shake with a tbsp of peanut butter -- 30 grams of protein.  it is 11:30 and i have only the shake and 40oz of water (with crystal light tea).  i am not really hungry or anything yet.

i know this look likes a lot of food. and it is. but i am also staying down by my office to go straight to support group tonight since the princess is "on vacation" at my mom's. so it is also dinner.  but there is also a lot of fat.  ugh.  cheese.  cheese has been haunting me this whole journey.  i know deep in my heart i need to scale back on the cheese if i want to see this last 30-40 pounds gone. 


so, like i said it *is* a lot of food and i am honestly walking a thin line today between being prepared and bingeing.   recognizing this, first thing i did this morning was put my lunch bag in the employee breakroom downstairs so it is not sitting on my desk or in the refrigerator in my department.   i plan to have the chilli, cheese and crackers for lunch.

speaking of support group....tonight is supposed to be a cooking demonstration.  should be fun.  i feel sooooooooooooo out of the support group loop. i used to go religiously every monday since the week after my surgery.   it just seems like since september it has been one thing or another and i have not made it there except once or twice.... and now, after tonight i will not be able to attend until april.  i am really really really freaked out by this.   but i am planning on taking an important class on monday nights through march 28th.  i am really trying to get into the already full thursday night class.  but if not i am going to have to suck it up and miss support group.  this class is just as important to my future and soul as group is....but.... i have always been a firm believer that my personal success is directly tied to the trifecta i have created for myself: support group, blogging and therapy.  i am going to have to lean on blogging and therapy more and more.  the good thing is that i will continue working out with two other women from support group most weeks twice a week.  so that keeps a connection for me and really the conversations and support we give each other is more valuable sometimes to listening to people sabotage themselves at support group. 

did i mention how excited i am for the lapband disney trip on january 2nd?????  lol.  i.am.excited.