so i "lost" weight...

but i still weigh 208.  i am sooooo confused.   i *thought* i weighed 208.   at least that is what i remember weighing at my 1 year appointment.   so when i went into the surgeon's office yesterday for a smidge of a fill i was blah about the scale showing 208.  but the tech told me i lost 6 1/2 pounds.  huh?   apparently when i went in for a baby fill at the end of november i was up to 214 1/2.  i must have been in total denial and blocked that out of my head.   so the good thing is i am actually down and not in a plateau AND i got a baby fill this week to bring me back to a good control point.

this little surprise loss has definitely motivated me.  i have set a new goal of definitely/without a doubt/positively being under 200 pounds by february 11th.  this is a back to basics goal for me.   the princess will be 6 (SIX!) on feb 11th.   and regardless of my motivation and reasons for losing weight now...as my therapist always reminds me, i decided to have surgery for one simple reason...because "i am a mom".    so i will live to see my daughter graduate high school.  so i can be a healthy role model.   

my next appointment is february 1st.  i hope plan to be 198 by then.   and will be 195 by her birthday.  i will forever leave the 200s behind -- for both of us.

i really going to commit this month to no chips, crackers or other blatant carbs.   i am also going to recommit to my gluten-free lifestyle.  i am gluten intolerant, although with the weight loss my intolerance seems to have gone into remission so it is less of a motivator to stay away from blatant carbs.   but i know regardless if i am getting sick from gluten or not -- it is not healthy for me, my body, my skin, etc.

so....here i go.....

having the floor pulled out from under me....

so i have always said that my 3 biggest "systems" in place for this journey are my support group, my therapy and my blog.

well....as i blogged about recently i knew that i would miss support group for a class i am taking for the next 3 months.  BUT i said...i said...that was manageable because i was working out with 2 other women from support group twice a week with a private trainer.  so i felt that was an adequate "touchpoint".   today i found out that the trainer dumped us.   no.  not because we are horrible whiners  -- which we are.   she dumped us because she got "better" clients.    so good-bye modified support group for me.  fine whatever, i thought.   i even had a funny blog post written in my head about being dumped by my trainer in the place that boca del vista on seinfeld is actually based on.

then.  then i go to support group tonight knowing it is my last group pretty much until april and i find out from the bariatric coordinator that my therapist who leads a monthly group session at support is not going to lead group for a few months but will be back in "you know 5,6, NINE months....."  WHAT?  she is pregnant?  i didn't know that.   who cares about group....when is she going to stop working?  is she going to come back?   or is she going to stay home FORfuckingEVER?    i know.  i know.  i know that she is probably only 3 or 4 months pregnant since i didn't notice on her.  so i know i have some time.   but this is unnerving me.  i see her on thursday and i guess i will talk to her about it then.

so that means i am just left with my blog.   get ready for me to become oneneedyattentionseekingwhoreofablogger STAT.  lol.

now that i have gotten all of these thoughts out of my head and out into cyberspace i can take a deep breath and 1.  know it will be ok and 2. tell myself to stop FREAKING out over the unknown.

i want to blog about support group tonight because the topic was interesting.  at the end i announced the social network i started and it was very well received.  it is so interesting to me how many other people are craving face time with "others like us".   i also met someone who is "one of us" bloggers there and it was great talking to her afterwards.   

i blame jimmy buffett....

it really started innocently enough.   four former fat girls decide to weather the crowds and parking deck madness and head out to CityWalk Orlando for dinner and drinks.   i can not and will not speak for anyone else....but for me...i am one Havanas and Bananas and some Fried Pickles in and we decide to walk around and "window shop".   there is some vera bradley on sale.   there are FitFlop boots being tried on.  

and then....from across the crowded shop....like a beacon in a long dark cold florida night i see a pair of "Not Your Daughter Jeans".  size 14.  claim to be "tummy tuck" jeans.  i say: "i am going to try them on". "ha ha", i say.   "i may cry", i say because i have been struggling so much in my head with my stomach size that i have avoided pants shopping for months.    i hear a skinny sales girl say "i want to see them on you".  great.   i steal a glance at myself in the dressing room mirror and tell myself to just go through it.   don't cry, heidi.  it is just stupid expensive jeans.  maria, amy and stephanie of all people will understand if i am not a size 14 in expensive jeans yet.   

they go on.   and by "they go on" i mean they just go on.   up my legs, over my stomach and butt and zip.  on.  done.  never one to just sit back and accept things... i fly out of the dressing room.  do a twirl and go get the size 12s.   what the hell, right?    they go on.   well...amy had to finish pulling the zipper up for me but it was not like i had to lay down on a bed to suck it in anymore to get them to zip and my stomach was not hanging out of the fly.   

so....a picture taken by maria and $92 later...they are mine.   or so i thought.....

as we walk away from the store, Electric Band Stephanie announces that the jeans are hers next and it is only "lettuce and chicken, bitch" for me so that i will rapidly shrink out of them and hand them down to her, amy and maria.  

sooooooo..... if you are interested....there is *apparently* another challenge floating around....motivate heidi out of the size 12 expensive jeans and fit into them yourself.... lol.   no scales to take a picture of every week.  just fit into the damn jeans. 

apparently....

I am only allowed to eat chicken and lettuce so I will shrink out of these size 12 (!!!!!!!!) skinny (and expensive) jeans so Electric Band Stephanie can have them.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

band friendly birthday dessert ....

NOT. But we have 4 spoons!!!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

florida BOOBs!!!!

At Margaritaville.........

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

refelction and looking ahead....my word...

i have been tasked with working on a gratitude list to get me over the i have failed crap swimming around in my head.    i am not good with gratitude.   it is not like i am doom and gloom --- instead i think "why should i be grateful for a good job? i worked my ass off for it...."  i am not good at appreciating the little things.

so....to get myself in the right mindset i went back and re-read my blog from jan 1 to yesterday.  well, one thing i can say is....this is my first time being committed to journaling in my life.  years and years of starting a hello kitty journal from the time i was a wee one and even in college never made it past the first week.  i think it is now i really have something to say/feel authentically. 

so here is my list:

in 2010 i am grateful for....

my support group...it was clear in reading my blog that it was pivotal to my journey in the beginning of the year.

my therapist....she is the first one to really drill down to my issues and not treat me as someone who "just needs to lose weight and all will be perfect".  she calls me on my shit and does not let me get away with it.

the continued, but healthier, relationship with my parents. 

improvements at work that are a result of my own hard work and commitment to bettering myself.   this proves to me that i can make a difference in my behavior and the perception people have of me.

travel worries are gone.  my job requires a lot of car and occasional air travel.  i am grateful that these are no brainers in my life now with the recent 115 pounds gone. 

i am grateful for the overall energy i have now because it is allowing me to parent my child better.... reading back through my blog i was reminded of all the things that i did with her that i just couldn't make myself do before....going on waterslides, snorkeling, the 10 days in the keys, going to washington dc on a whim with the princess, spending all day at the mall, volunteering in her classroom.  just being present in her life and not worried all the time that i am going to die.

my health.  no diabetes.  no nagging worries of a heart attack.   the pain is gone.   now my legs hurt at the end of the day because i ran into the mall in beach flip flops for "one thing" and ended up walking around on the hard tile for 6 hours without realizing it. 

my authentic self.  i am happier.  i am so grateful that i did all the hard work to uncover my authentic self.  i really am pleased with who i found.   she is definitely someone i can live with for the rest of my life and not feel the need to cover her up with an excess 200 pounds of unhealthiness.

so.... with that in mind i have decided on my word for 2011.  in 2010 my word was "believe".   i liked it.   my motto was: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"....  i liked them both.   they served me well.  belief in myself got me through this.  my over confidence really kept me afloat for much of the year.   the butterfly motif and the motto focused me at random moments about my journey.  by default my symbol became the butterfly.

my word for 2011 is life/live.   i am committed to living more. not being so much on a one-track journey but really getting out there and living the life i have not lived.   sure, maybe a little living la vida loca....but really a more purposeful life.  i have started to take some steps towards that recently, and hope to share them here when the time is right and as we go through the year.  

my motto for 2011 is "It's time to start living the life you've imagined" by Henry James.  or the similar one by Henry David Thoreau "I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

my symbol is the tree of life.   and in honor of the new year and new mantras i have changed up my blog a wee bit to reflect this.  i actually made 4 different header and i am not sure which one i like best yet.  i am going to go with this one for now.... but i reserve the right to break my own rule and to change my blog again....lol....

happy new year to all....