thoughts on shaving my legs and other uncomfortable things....

so back when i was dating my most recent ex-girlfriend i walked into my bathroom one day and she was shaving her legs.   no big deal.   but she was standing in my shower with her leg up on the wall shelf about 2 3/4 feet in the air.   huh?  it was such an odd sight for me to see.  it never occurred to me to stand on one leg, not hold onto the wall and shave my legs.   so this weekend after NOT shaving my legs for a couple weeks i decided to shave my legs just in case...lol...  before i knew what i was doing lil ole me was standing in the shower, right leg hoisted up, toes touching the shelf a little less than 3 feet in the air, not holding onto the shower bar my dad had installed for me when i was dying 373 pounds.   but here is what i really noticed... i was no longer uncomfortably bending over hoping to get all the hair on the legs i could barely touch -- but now i was contorting my calves this way and that way so i could get enough fat up top because my shins are now so frickin boney.   lol.  needless to say, it is a good thing just in case never happened because i walked around saturday night with little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my legs like a 14 year old girl....

i have been really trying to challenge myself to go outside of my comfort zone lately.   i like my comfort zone.  it is nice and warm and fuzzy.  it is also a place where it is really easy to be fat.   i am starting to realize that i am kind of not really that fat anymore....(yes, i am almost finally getting it).    i think this week i did very well with going outside my comfort zone with very little effort, angst or thought.   in bullet points and no particular order....

• an acquaintance told me about a gay jewish dance taking place last night.   it was for a synagogue i consider "elderly".   she said it would be fun and she knew other young people going.  so i said "what the hell!" and went.  i also offered to car pool with this acquaintance which further committed me to going.   and you know what.... it was somewhat elderly. (and an ex of mine was there) and there were some other young people and it was FUN.  i literally danced for 3 hours straight.  by myself.  with old gay men.  young gay men.  old lesbians. young lesbians.   and i had a frickin blast at a place where i was so outside my little bubble and comfort zone.   i knew only my companion, my ex and one crazy ass wOman -- in a room where everyone else knew each other and i held my own, did not want to eat or disappear.

• i made plans with Electric Band Stephanie to go to bootcamp on Sunday morning.   i am not sure if you know this...but i DETEST exercise.   but i said "what the hell!" and committed to going.   that is until when i woke up and it was 38 degrees out (!!!!) and this bootcamp was supposed to be in the park.    so i canceled.   but when Stephanie texted me later about getting together anyways -- instead of just hiding out at my parents (which was the plan) i said "what the hell!" and met up for a quick whole foods lunch.  and i am glad i did.   it was really nice to be with someone who is on the same wavelength about life.

• saturday night i went out with a woman who i had tried to date last summer/early fall.  i was hurt by her back then.  but she and i have started talking again and she wanted me to meet her sister (and more to the point her sister to approve of me).   so i figured "what the hell!" and agreed to hang out with her and her sister.     and i am glad i did.   it was a great time for us to reconnect.   of course, since they are latin and in my experience when you date a latin woman you date her sisters, her cousins, etc. because they are all so close lol, i had to totally work my charm on both of them.  how frickin exhausting.   but i have been told i was successful....

• last week i was contacted by a woman who i met recently at a poker game.  she has asked me out for a drink when she is back in town next week.   she is 24 (!!!!!!)...but i figure "what the hell!" and said yes and in the meantime i am having a nice time getting to know her by email until she is back.

• a little footnote to the last two bullet points...some months ago my friend T and i established the Cougar Rule.  In order for a woman to be considered a cougar she needs to have graduated high school by the time you started kindergarten...essentially 13 years older than you.    bullet point #1 is 16 years older than me and i am 14 years older than bullet point #2.   yes, ladies...i have reached my peak....i have one who is a cougar to me while i am a cougar to the other one.  

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW....(and mind blowing to me)....

i am taking a class and this week's assignment is to write my life story.   one of the areas we are supposed to cover is a "hardship" we have experienced and how we handled it.     i wrote glowingly of my childhood, parents, etc.   but i could not really think of anything for a hardship.  and then i thought that i could write about my obesity.   and in the midst of writing "i have lost 170 pounds...." i got incredibly uncomfortable with sharing that.  not shame. i kept thinking how 373 was so far behind me and not really part of me anymore.  COULD IT BE AFTER MANY ATTEMPTS IN 2010 I HAVE FINALLY STARTED TO REALLY LET GO?????