stop going to home depot for groceries....

those were the final words my therapist's mouth as i left today.  in addition to reading my good-bye letter (see below) i also talked to her about my mom's lack of support lately.  it has gone beyond just her size 14 comment that i blogged about last week...but even cutting off anyone who dared to compliment me during rosh hashanah to tell them about all her fabulous volunteer work.   basically, per my therapist, i am no longer allowed to email my mom pictures of myself or call her to gush.  i need to redefine my support system.  actually, i need to recognize my incredible support system in real life that i don't tap into often.  i am not good at asking for help.  for admitting i am weak or imperfect.  it is something i am working on. 

in addition to having a therapy session today, my therapist also did a group session at support group tonight.  the topic of discussion was coping skills.   we talked about what coping skills accomplish and came up with a long list of good coping skills.  this was all done from the point of view that we no longer could use food as a coping mechanism.   from that list we had to choose 10 and write them down on a paper we should carry with us as reference.  mine include:

1. reaching out (if we chose this one we also had to list 3 "Publix" and not any "Home Depots")
2. visualization
3. meditation
4. blasting loud music
5. crafting
6. moving my body
7. blogging
8. reflection
9. cleaning
10. reality checks

ok...so saying good-bye today....the timing was perfect.   this week between the Jewish holidays of Rosh Hashanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) is traditionally a week of reflection for Jews.   we are supposed to reach out to people we may have wronged and seek their forgiveness.    while i am no means "religious", i am definitely spiritual and this is one ritual I have always held dear to my heart.    a component of the Rosh Hashanah observance is Tashlich which literally means "casting off".  it is a service in which the congregation walks to a nearby body of water and "cast off" their wrongdoing from the previous year.  bread is used to embody your wrongdoing and the piece of bread is thrown in the water.   the years i spent in south beach it was so cool to go down to the ocean and be with hundreds of others doing the same....each year i take this seriously.  i am not talking to god (if god exists).  i am talking to myself.   this year i felt so at peace with myself.  i only threw one piece of bread in the lake and i felt it was more symbolic because i knew my own person tashlich was coming this week.   (i also took advantage of tashlich to lay some jewish mother guilt on the princess about how she should throw her bread in and think about being a good girl for mommy ALL THE TIME...lol).

so...today was my personal tashlich.  the most important of my life.   i sat on the sea wall of the intracoastal in fort lauderdale.  under a sea grape tree.  watching boats go by.   the current was so minimal it was almost dancing a sweet ballet for me.   i brought the picture of me with cinderella last year.   and before i read the letter i ripped my image into 3 pieces and dropped them in the water.  i let the larger piece of cinderella and my princess float away -- but did not rip the princess.   i then read the following letter.  no copies exist of the letter.   only this vlog.   i did this vlog outside my office.  towards the end i start look around because the lawn guy was coming towards me with his big mower and i *knew* i could not possibly read this again and get through the rest of the day at work.   so i start to hurry up.  but the whole letter is here.   i know i am *really* exposing myself here (you even get a good batwing shot)...but if i am going to blog with integrity and live my life with integrity...i need to put it all out there.

ok.  here goes nothing....