Permission not to behave...

so today's session was the therapist i downloaded on her some of the crap i have been dealing with this week in my life.   basically i have been repeatedly put in, or put myself in, the position where i have to hold back on what i really want to say or do due to my role as a leader and i am left feeling inauthentic and having trouble coping now that i can't go home and eat a whole frozen pizza.   

so my temper tantrum at therapy (and to my dear friends in real life) was ::::stomp, stomp, stomp::::IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!:::: I want to behave like an asshole like everyone else!!!! i also wanted to run away from my responsibilities and not deal with the drama.  all or nothing, that's me baby.  

my astute therapist picked up on a couple things:

1.  if i do something, i do not participate -- i lead. 

2.  she said i use the word "behave" a lot to describe myself.  

3. i have put too much pressure on myself to be the best.

For #1 -- always a leader, never a follower -- i need to find things to participate in.  one such activity is my book clubs.  i stopped going to my "straight" book club because its once a month meeting is the same night of my weekly support group.   we agreed that it is ok for me to miss support group one monday a month (see #3) in order to do something that i enjoy and can relax at.  for my "non-straight" book club, for which i am the leader of, i need to find a way to get other people involved in the leadership.  ask others to write up the questions and lead the discussion occasionally.   of course the control freak in me is worried that if i do that it will not be perfect (see #3).  my therapist's response?  "so?  what's wrong with that?"  i guess there really is no harm in letting other people lead the discussion.  lol.  you can tell my control freak side is not so sure.  lol.

For #2 -- BEHAVE -- even after she pointed it out to me that i used the word "behave" a lot -- i said it unconsciously a couple more times in my session.   she said that this idea of behaving is dangerous for me.  because i am categorizing everything as good or bad (all or nothing, baby).  and when it comes to food that is what leads to the binging that got me to be obese.    so i need to look at my actions being what they are and not good or bad behavior.   which this is a real funny revelation to me because i do not see myself in general as a rule follower or even a conformist.  but i guess i am.  lol.

For #3 -- releasing the pressure to be perfect -- i need to make a list of pressures that are necessary and those that are not and get back to the basics.  i told her about my health.family.career mantra and she agreed that is the right direction but now i really need to implement it.  and as part of this i am not allowed take on any more leadership roles.   i need to focus on taking care of myself and not everyone else's feeling or needs.  what i still don't understand if i am really such a perfectionist (and i know i am) how on earth did i get to be obese?  i will never understand that one....

we also talked about my collage and some of the elements in it.  

all in all, a good session.   i like her.  i feel like she likes me and gets me.

wishing you a day full of protein...