Karma is a bitch....

This one is going to be hard....

I have spent a lot of time working on my issues....my fear of not being perfect and fucking up. All this work got me to a place where I am at least aware of my fear....but to say I conquered it would be an out and out lie.

I am struggling. In life. Five words there. But so hard for ME to say.

I blame karma. Of course I blame karma because I can't break through that mental barrier and blame myself....

When was in high school I had a "best friend". We used to lay in my bed and hold our legs in the air and compare them. I may have been fat, but I had nice legs....and I made sure to tell her all the time that my legs were better than her. So a few years ago when I developed a hyper-pigmentation on my shins that makes me look bruised up all the time....I thought back to those insignificant nights in the late 1980s and thought that karma had bitten me on the ass. Weird and irrational. I know. Buy that is how my mind works.

Fast forward to some time in the last year or so.... I was at support group and a woman who was two years out from surgery and still very very large (but had already lost over 100 pounds) said she was frustrated because she only lost 10 pounds (up and down) in her second year. I thought at the time, and may have blogged these thoughts --- can't find them --- that I would DIE if I didn't finish this thing up in my second year....now my second year is coming go a close in About a week and I have only lost 20 pounds this year. I know...blah blah blah...I didn't gain, a loss is still closer to my goal....but I have to wonder if karma did not come in and teach me a very shitty lesson about being judgmental and thinking I a so god damn perfect.

And know for what I have been avoiding....plastic surgery did not go as "perfectly" as planned. I had my arms and breasts lifted on September 29th. For one, I was not totally prepared on how limited I would be the first couple weeks and dependent on other people. In order to minimize my scar, he cut in my armpit and pull everything tight into that. My arms are healing nicely. Once I am completely healed he will do some laser to tighten my arms some more. The problem is my left breast. When you have a breast lift they remove your nipple and reattached it higher. I had a breast lift and minor reduction. The shape of my greats are amazing and all the nurses say it actually looks like implants. When the swelling goes down I will be a firm and perky D cup as opposed to F or G. Like I said, the form is nice.

The complication came with my left nipple and areola. With this surgery there is a 1% chance of a complication of the blood supply not going to your areola and nipple which could cause it to "die" and that is what happened to me. So one week after my initial surgery I had to have "emergency" surgery to remove my dying areola and nippple and replace them Along with a skin graft around them. This was to restart the blood supply under them. The good news is that it was a success. The difficult news is that it looks very scary and until it is completely healed I do not know about the nipple. They surgeon says it should be ok but until the layer of protective skin finishes healing off I won't see it and that is difficult. And once again I worry that karma once again bit me on the ass because i was so silly and boastful on how I was going to have a "banging" body. I have definitely been humbled by this experience.

In typical perfectheidi fashion I was going to wait until I was completely healed to report on my fabulous arms and breasts but that would only feed into my sickness. This is hard. I cry often. Worried that I will be deformed and not have a nipple. I am a femme lesbian for crying out loud....who am I if I don't have my boobs? Lol.

I am not sure I can write anymore right now. This post has emotionally exhausted me.

Holy Shit

Cleaning out a closet and came across these.   The size of them is even more dramatic in person.   And they are "only" a 26/28.  I definitely was bigger at some point.

 

A perfect reality check for me....

 

(pictures courtesy of the princess...who is not understanding why i would have fat person pants in the closet....)

live the life you imagined....

it took an email a plea for a visit from Babbling Amy ....an actual phone call from Electric Band Stephanie (the texting queen) ....AND an email from my first (and only) blog-girl crush, Amy W. (and i didn't even have to put on astronaut diapers.... ;-).....but i am back from the blog-dead...

 

honestly nothing but LIFE was keeping me away.   i have thought so many times "i need to blog about this"...but then i would get busy with LIFE.    i said my word this year would be LIFE / LIVING and that is exactly what i have been doing.... living life in my size 12s and medium shirts.... (and quite cutely, if i do say so myself....) i just ran across the street from my new office and took this picture in a consignment store dressing room....

 

here is the bullet- point update with details in subsequents posts this week (i promise).

• JOB -- i started my "dream job" in late march and it has been a challenge.  good challenge -- but a challenge nonetheless.... 
• WEIGHT -- has kind of been like watching grass grow.  i am down to 193.   but things have shifted considerably and like i said i wear a size 12 most days and am mostly buying size medium shirts from wal-mart brand to michael kors. have lost a size and half in shoes, too.
• PRINCESS -- growing by the day.  so mature.  such a good kid.
• BODY IMAGE -- improving like you wouldn't believe.  i finally am able to see what the mirror shows me.  i see a very narrow person when i look in the mirror.  i no longer see this imposing figure but instead a very shrunk version of someone i used to know.  i am able to see the hanging skin for what it is...temporary and not "fat"...
• EATING DISORDER / THERAPY -- still working on these but committed to it.  had a major breakthrough this week....
• PLASTIC SURGERY -- i have started to pay for my arm lift and breast lift which are scheduled for september 29. 
• LOVE LIFE -- i am in love.  this is for real.   The One Who Got Away (TOWGA™) is officially back in my life for good.   we had a two year break where we individually went through a lot but never lost sight of what could have been.   it is so natural and good.   i will definitely share more about this later...

back in february, for the princess' birthday, i got "live the life you imagined" tattoo'd on my foot in my own handwriting....and that is exactly what i have been doing...in order to do so i have had to take risks, consciously force myself to stop holding onto the past and learn how to make mistakes and survive.   i am here. 

 

say what?

went to a business networking lunch thingy at a local diner today. 

 

because i have to socialize, talk and eat at the same time at events like this i tend to stick to soup to avoid getting stuck or worst.  

 

so i enjoyed my greek lemon chicken soup and at the end when i went to pay my bill at the cashier she said "wow, i wish i could get away with just being satisfied on a cup of soup for lunch!". i laughed with her and then she said...... "i guess that is how you are able to stay so skinny....."   

 

Um?  say what?   LOL...me?  really?  LOL. 

warts and all....

i wanted to show the other side of my weight loss.   i talk about skin, fat, arms, plastic surgery and filler here....  enjoy!

On being perfect.....

the idea of perfection has played a lead role in my obesity. my fatness was one way to prove myself as the perfect daughter. i know that does not make sense...if i wanted to be the perfect daughter wouldn't i have wanted to be perfectly skinny? not in my family. my parents were fat and i -- most likely -- subconsciously made sure i was just like them. it worked. my parents became very protective of me. i was now special to them. we bonded over diets, weight watchers meetings (starting when i was 8), low-fat food finds. the summer my mom and i bonded the most was when i came home from college between freshman and sophomore year and we lost weight together. looking back, i was definitely the perfect daughter that summer because i was dependant on my mom for my weight loss routine. by overeating and being fat i could always guarantee my parents love and attention.

it was when i went out in the world alone that i ballooned from the mid-200s to the 300s. i had no coping skills whatsoever. but i still had this inner need to be my own version of perfect. whatever i did -- be it college, partying, loving --- i had to be the best, the stand-out. i could not cope with the regular lifecycle emotions because it did not fit my perfect mindset....losing my first love, graduating from grad school and looking for a job, living completely on my own after my ex and i broke up (we moved from the dorms into cohabitation so i never lived without someone who loved me). sure, i got through all these things and i am very proud of my professional accomplishments but i did all this by eating. it is the only way to cope....it was the only thing i could do perfectly....but unlike my childhood or my young adulthood my parents were there to 'fix' the problem. i am sure somewhere along the way when i was well into my 30s a confidant or therapist told them that they couldn't interfere with my obsesity because i was now an "adult"...little did they realize that they had been interfering all my life and i did not know how to cope.

i am not mad at my parents. they did this all from love. they did the best they could with what they could. my own DNA equally allowed it to continue for so long.

so....now i have the band. the tool. the weight gain is no longer an issue. i have done the therapy work on my enmeshment issues with my parents. but the perfectionism is still there. the perfect lapbander. the perfect weight loss. the perfect look. and all this perfectionism is a recipe for disaaster. a mindfuck body image with twist of an eating disorder on the rocks. i can no longer blame my parents. the amount of pressure i put on myself on a daily basis to be perfect when it comes to my body and my exterior image is consuming.

That need to be perfect creeps into my life everyday. I obsess about what I will wear. All the time. Will I look skinny enough? Will I look too skinny and be too much in the spotlight? It is exhausting.

hmmmm....so i don't think i am an addict afterall....

recently i have been identifying as an "addict" and talking about "recovery".   i honestly do not think i am.   and no i am not in denial.   i think the proper terms are definitely "eating disorder" and "healing".     and let me tell you.... they make sense.  i feel a sense of relief, less overwhelmed, less confused.

tonight i went to a 12 step "food addict" meeting.   nope.  not for me.   and just not the meeting (which was so fucking bizarre it was comical)....but the focus....the idea of abstinence from flour and sugar is not something i can relate to.   personally i have learned that the all or nothing mindset is detrimental to my eating disorder behaviors.   i don't need abstinence.  i need behavior control and modification.   and support for that.   the fact that you can't even have a bottle of water in the meeting is just a little extreme.  

ok...now for some snark...so the woman running the meeting was very robotic.  like, for real.  she was straight-up an animitronic right out of the Hall of Presidents at Disney.   and she has a nun's edge to her.    like i was waiting for her to hit my knuckles with a ruler.   some old queen was yelling at her for not letting people borrow books.  it was scary mary city.  but then again i am reading The Handmaid's Tale and maybe i was projecting the book on this meeting.

my issues really are behavior related.   as i have talked about my eating disorder crap is at an all time high.   i am lonely in my personal life.   and not just lonely.  i am sad.   the circumstances with my ex (the one who got away) are just so heart breaking to me.   i am trying to remain strong with my boundaries but that only magnifies my loneliness.   i love my new job.  but i am there to do a job...and part of that job is being a strong leader which means most of my staff not only does not like me but refuse to get on board with my new program.   i don't give a shit about all that....that is the nature of the beast...as a friend said back to me today "it is lonely at the top, heidi.  and you wanted to move up towards the top..."  lonely.  lonely at work.  i am homesick for my former staff and the family we created.   it was a well-oiled machine.   but just like it took me time to build that team, it will take me time here....but in the meantime it is havoc on my eating behaviors.    

i thought i was "cured" because i was "skinny" when i decided to take on this new job challenge.  the truth is i am still "sick" no matter what size i am wearing right now.   and it is very hard to have to stay in control and strong on the exterior all day in order to get my job done and exert my authority and not have my insides equally in control or strong on the inside.    i am trying to cope the best i can, but it is a struggle.   between the band tightening from the stress of my staff and my bingeing....not good.  not good. 

(don't get me wrong... i love my job and the other duties...it is just the personnel distractions that i hate....always have, always will....why can't people just do their job?  if you wanted to be director and think your old way is better...you should have applied....no?)

i talked to my therapist today about the eating disorder stuff.  i think it is the most i have come clean about it in therapy.  still not sure i am clicking with the new therapist, but i am going through the motions with her for now.   so....today i asked her if you can ever be cured from an eating disorder....she told me "sadly, no".   the symptoms may not be active but the potential through triggers (like stress, death, etc) will always be there.    i told her that it made me sad.   and i cried a little.   but with that being said, i am a little relieved to get clarity tonight on food addict vs. eating disorder.   i think i can get through the crappy days better knowing i am dealing with a disorder and not an addiction for some reason.