say what?

went to a business networking lunch thingy at a local diner today. 

 

because i have to socialize, talk and eat at the same time at events like this i tend to stick to soup to avoid getting stuck or worst.  

 

so i enjoyed my greek lemon chicken soup and at the end when i went to pay my bill at the cashier she said "wow, i wish i could get away with just being satisfied on a cup of soup for lunch!". i laughed with her and then she said...... "i guess that is how you are able to stay so skinny....."   

 

Um?  say what?   LOL...me?  really?  LOL. 

warts and all....

i wanted to show the other side of my weight loss.   i talk about skin, fat, arms, plastic surgery and filler here....  enjoy!

On being perfect.....

the idea of perfection has played a lead role in my obesity. my fatness was one way to prove myself as the perfect daughter. i know that does not make sense...if i wanted to be the perfect daughter wouldn't i have wanted to be perfectly skinny? not in my family. my parents were fat and i -- most likely -- subconsciously made sure i was just like them. it worked. my parents became very protective of me. i was now special to them. we bonded over diets, weight watchers meetings (starting when i was 8), low-fat food finds. the summer my mom and i bonded the most was when i came home from college between freshman and sophomore year and we lost weight together. looking back, i was definitely the perfect daughter that summer because i was dependant on my mom for my weight loss routine. by overeating and being fat i could always guarantee my parents love and attention.

it was when i went out in the world alone that i ballooned from the mid-200s to the 300s. i had no coping skills whatsoever. but i still had this inner need to be my own version of perfect. whatever i did -- be it college, partying, loving --- i had to be the best, the stand-out. i could not cope with the regular lifecycle emotions because it did not fit my perfect mindset....losing my first love, graduating from grad school and looking for a job, living completely on my own after my ex and i broke up (we moved from the dorms into cohabitation so i never lived without someone who loved me). sure, i got through all these things and i am very proud of my professional accomplishments but i did all this by eating. it is the only way to cope....it was the only thing i could do perfectly....but unlike my childhood or my young adulthood my parents were there to 'fix' the problem. i am sure somewhere along the way when i was well into my 30s a confidant or therapist told them that they couldn't interfere with my obsesity because i was now an "adult"...little did they realize that they had been interfering all my life and i did not know how to cope.

i am not mad at my parents. they did this all from love. they did the best they could with what they could. my own DNA equally allowed it to continue for so long.

so....now i have the band. the tool. the weight gain is no longer an issue. i have done the therapy work on my enmeshment issues with my parents. but the perfectionism is still there. the perfect lapbander. the perfect weight loss. the perfect look. and all this perfectionism is a recipe for disaaster. a mindfuck body image with twist of an eating disorder on the rocks. i can no longer blame my parents. the amount of pressure i put on myself on a daily basis to be perfect when it comes to my body and my exterior image is consuming.

That need to be perfect creeps into my life everyday. I obsess about what I will wear. All the time. Will I look skinny enough? Will I look too skinny and be too much in the spotlight? It is exhausting.

hmmmm....so i don't think i am an addict afterall....

recently i have been identifying as an "addict" and talking about "recovery".   i honestly do not think i am.   and no i am not in denial.   i think the proper terms are definitely "eating disorder" and "healing".     and let me tell you.... they make sense.  i feel a sense of relief, less overwhelmed, less confused.

tonight i went to a 12 step "food addict" meeting.   nope.  not for me.   and just not the meeting (which was so fucking bizarre it was comical)....but the focus....the idea of abstinence from flour and sugar is not something i can relate to.   personally i have learned that the all or nothing mindset is detrimental to my eating disorder behaviors.   i don't need abstinence.  i need behavior control and modification.   and support for that.   the fact that you can't even have a bottle of water in the meeting is just a little extreme.  

ok...now for some snark...so the woman running the meeting was very robotic.  like, for real.  she was straight-up an animitronic right out of the Hall of Presidents at Disney.   and she has a nun's edge to her.    like i was waiting for her to hit my knuckles with a ruler.   some old queen was yelling at her for not letting people borrow books.  it was scary mary city.  but then again i am reading The Handmaid's Tale and maybe i was projecting the book on this meeting.

my issues really are behavior related.   as i have talked about my eating disorder crap is at an all time high.   i am lonely in my personal life.   and not just lonely.  i am sad.   the circumstances with my ex (the one who got away) are just so heart breaking to me.   i am trying to remain strong with my boundaries but that only magnifies my loneliness.   i love my new job.  but i am there to do a job...and part of that job is being a strong leader which means most of my staff not only does not like me but refuse to get on board with my new program.   i don't give a shit about all that....that is the nature of the beast...as a friend said back to me today "it is lonely at the top, heidi.  and you wanted to move up towards the top..."  lonely.  lonely at work.  i am homesick for my former staff and the family we created.   it was a well-oiled machine.   but just like it took me time to build that team, it will take me time here....but in the meantime it is havoc on my eating behaviors.    

i thought i was "cured" because i was "skinny" when i decided to take on this new job challenge.  the truth is i am still "sick" no matter what size i am wearing right now.   and it is very hard to have to stay in control and strong on the exterior all day in order to get my job done and exert my authority and not have my insides equally in control or strong on the inside.    i am trying to cope the best i can, but it is a struggle.   between the band tightening from the stress of my staff and my bingeing....not good.  not good. 

(don't get me wrong... i love my job and the other duties...it is just the personnel distractions that i hate....always have, always will....why can't people just do their job?  if you wanted to be director and think your old way is better...you should have applied....no?)

i talked to my therapist today about the eating disorder stuff.  i think it is the most i have come clean about it in therapy.  still not sure i am clicking with the new therapist, but i am going through the motions with her for now.   so....today i asked her if you can ever be cured from an eating disorder....she told me "sadly, no".   the symptoms may not be active but the potential through triggers (like stress, death, etc) will always be there.    i told her that it made me sad.   and i cried a little.   but with that being said, i am a little relieved to get clarity tonight on food addict vs. eating disorder.   i think i can get through the crappy days better knowing i am dealing with a disorder and not an addiction for some reason.  

a little picture show about lil ole me...

my new therapist asked me to bring in some pics of the old me and my progress.  at the same time i have been listening to a lot of fleetwood mac and for some reason -- after all these years -- the song landslide gets the tears flowing.    the line about "i've been afraid of changing because i built my life around you...." just does me in....makes me think about the role my fat played in being an emotional barrier.

so...i put the pics and song together....enjoy....

ruby/intervention/me

getting some business out of the way first....

• usually when i blog i have pretty much a clear and concise post already composed in my head.   i do not right now but know what i want need to say.

• i have been avoiding my blog because i of the betrayal i have felt.  i need to let go.  so with that being said...if you are reading this blog and you are not either a. a lapbander in cyberspace or b. someone who i personally share this with then i have to respectfully ask you to stop reading.   you were shared this blog as part of an act of betrayal and manipulation -- regardless of what SHE may say her intentions were -- and by continuing to read it, and revisit it, you are legitimizing HER betrayal and manipulation.

watching ruby tonight i realized i needed to let go of the betrayal of my blog and take back my blog.

ok....with that being said....my life has turned into a reality show...ok, not really....a couple months ago when i had my last session with my original therapist i identified that i really wanted to shift from focusing on the weight loss crap and really focus on the addiction/eating disorder stuff. 

and for the last couple months i have done everything but that.   i have not gained weight.  in fact, based on the scale i snuck into my house i am hopefully going to leave the 190s soon.   but my purposeful bingeing and subsequent purging has been plentiful.   so much so that i after about a week or so of having to sleep sitting up so i would not choking on my throwup i woke up one night this past week choking while throwing up in my sleep.   there are no words to describe what is going on with me.   oh yes there are....i am fucked up, gee.   fucked up.   i am risking my life. possibly causing damage to my band.  acting irresponsibly. 

add to this engaging with my ex -- who is a total co-dependant enabler and does not respect the boundaries i am asking for right now.... and i am just not healthy.     

but.  but.  but.

thursday night i had book club.  this book club is connected to my former so-called best friend.  and while i knew she would not be there i still anxiety about attending and running it...so i binged the whole way there.  then purged right before it started.   lovely.  i know.   got through the night.  and as i left a woman asked me to stay and chat.   i knew her and even have hung out with them individually.  but never persued a friendship with them.    the other night basically she and her partner staged a mini-intervention with me.   it was surreal.   she said that they were concerned about me -- in reference to my former so-called best friend crap -- and it just opened a flood gate with me.   i started ranting and raving.  and a couple minutes into it this woman (trying to be ambiguous here since i don't want to betray her confidences) just said "heidi, i am 25 years into recovery..." and i just melted.   she didn't care about what my former so-called best friend did or how i felt about it...as an addict she saw me for what i am....an addict.   blaming everyone else for my lack of control.   my anger.  my poor choices then (never should have gotten close to my former so called best friend and most healthy people don't get close to her) and now (engaging in unhealthy behaviors and with unhealthy people like my enabling ex).     and, like i said, i just melted.  i told her i have been bingeing.    that i am scared of drinking becoming a transfer addiction.  that i have been resisting allowing myself to transfer from addict to recovery.   it was so freeing.  so amazing.  

we left with an open door.  and an unexpected hand in friendship extended to me.   that night i went home and chatted via messenger with my ex (the one who got away) and while i was in the intervention mode i realized i had no business engaging with her until i am healthy.  she is not happy with this...but it is what is best for me.   the next morning, still on my intervention high (ha! great pun) i went to a new age store and got myself a book of affirmations for overeaters and a book on recovery from eating disoders  - Beating Ana.  once i finish reading it, i will review it here.

here is what i know....for some time now i have been thinking about in-patient treatment.   it is not practical.  i just started a new job.  (if i stayed at my former job i could have easily taken a 30 day leave).   and in my all or nothing addict mind if i can't do in-patient i might as well do nothing...right?   wrong.    i need to get into meetings.  i hate to admit it.  (so there with ruby tonight)....but i know i need to.   i also know i need to be better about surrounding myself with like minded people.   my interventionist offered to go to a meeting with me and i may take her up on her offer. 

i guess i am just blogging this tonight to make myself accountable.  i feel kind of scattered and all over the place.   but i need to put this out there...on paper, so to speak.

the positives are that i am really getting used to my smaller frame.  i am really teeny.  it is crazy.  i plan to do a vlog soon.   on friday i went to the mall with a friend.   she has always been my "skinny friend"....going through the clearance rack at macys she was taking the extra larges out of my hand and replacing them with mediums while she herself took the XLs or larges.   surreal.    i also have the cash and the date for my arm and breast lift.    i could do it right now, but i want to wait until after summer so i am not limited in my mobility when we camp all summer and i do not want to tan my scar lines and tanning is unavoidable with how i spend my summers (camping every weekend).   

passing over passover...

i realized this weekend how out of touch with my religion i am.  and i am not happy.  i have never been god-fearing woman.   but i had always been very connected to my judaism and at the very least the cultural/holiday observances.   not so much lately.  and i blame the band.   i really think my connection to my judaism was so wrapped up in food that now that i can't be wrapped up in food i am not motivated.   when the princess was a baby i cooked shabbat dinner every week.   for my whole adult life i was the designated cooker for all jewish holidays.   passover is tomorrow and i just realized that yesterday when my mom asked me to come up and help her shop and cook.     in the past i would have been cooking all weekend, had my shopping list made last week and already have the table set.

i am mourning this loss and want to recommit to judaism.   especially for the princess' sake.  i went to great lengths to make sure she had a jewish biological father, hebrew name, etc. and now i am totally slacking -- in her most impressionable religious connection/education years.

so....today i spent much of the day with my parents grocery shopping and prepping food.  my mom will finish the cooking tomorrow and i will go up to their house with the princess to have a low key seder with my folks and my aunt and uncle.    my sister is too busy.  same with my hoodlum cousins.  (are you still hoodlums when you are in your 30s?).    i mourn the days when my grandparents were still here and it was a big deal.  i want the princess to have that.   we were supposed to go to new jersey for seder but with my new job just starting i canceled our trip.  maybe i am missing all my new jersey cousins.   tomorrow i am going to try real hard to remember what my dad said at thanksgiving -- he said he was most thankful to have the people he loved in the world with him.  it was just me, my mom and the princess.  my sister chose not to attend (again).    it was both a validating moment for me to know that my presence was enough for my dad and a lesson on being thankful for what you have and not fret about what you do not have.