where's waldo?

when i was in college, i did a lot of acid.  and ecstasy.  and... well, you get the point.  it was the very early 90s and it was a different scene then.  during the week i was an intense, nerdy history major.   by thursday night i was ready to get lost in my mind for a couple days and just have fun.   one game we would play at the clubs was "where's waldo".   it seems goofy and stupid right now, but at the time someone running around the club in a red and white stripped stocking hat was great fun.  

anyways, when i saw the picture above from this weekend (no drugs involved, for the record) i had to do a double take on how my size just blends into the dance floor.  and of course my stripped shirt also reminded me of the good ole waldo days...

incredible.   at the point i barely recognize myself.  freaky.  overwhelming.   mildly exhilarating.

one more view....

and another...

school update...

i needed to just focus on getting through last week that i did not make time to update.  which i felt bad about because you all were so supportive during my first day of school freak outs.

well, obviously, we made it.   but it was a rough one.  wednesday was my first day back to work after two and one half weeks off.   i knew it would be an intense one so i even made arrangements for my daughter's bio-dad to pick her up after school and visit with her.   4:30 he calls.  she is SCREAMING in the background.  he is hysterical.  so, of course, my mind goes to the WORST.   fortunately (ha!) she had just thrown up all over his car.   so quickly i pack up my work and head off to rescue her (and him...kids throwing up in a gay man -- with no parenting skill -- car is a recipe for disaster for all involved...lol).    so the project i could have finished in an extra hour and half at work took me most of the night.   this included a strategy meeting with the executive officer at 10PM.   

so the next morning i had a MAJOR presentation to do an hour away.   met my mom literally on the side of the road to drop off a feverish princess and off i went.   by the next day, friday, we were just SPENT.  she threw a fit going back to school.   and i had to deal with all the next day quarterbacking at work after the intense presentation the day before.

we both survived.  i was so frickin overwhelmed.  

i just wanted to do a quick update on that aspect of our life.   hopefully tonight i will blog some more about the emotional growth i have gone through in the last week. 

oh, and, today the princess came home with her first school library book.  i almost busted out into tears in the aftercare lobby when i saw it in her bag.  she is growing up. 

we made it.

a quick post because i.must.not.miss.the.real.housewives.of.new.jersey.tonight.

well, obviously, the princess and i both survived the first day of school.   mommy may actually make it through tomorrow too.  all the people i know who do the not-really-secretive-before-care thing at breakfast assure me that someone will open her milk for her.   lol.  

but here is the interesting thing... i am pretty sure that the princess was bored at school today.  it took me awhile to get anything out of her about school.  she was totally unimpressed with it.   in fact, all the way home she just wanted to engage with me in her running storyline about her imaginary friends.   it took a while before i got anything out of her and when i did, she was very clear that she did not learn anything new today.    now, i have no expectations for her to learn something today...but she was very clear to me that it was not that exciting for her.  

this kid is smart.  i am not just saying it because she is my kid.  she is smart.  not book or academic smart.  but she is verbally gifted and has the ability to interact at a level outside of her peers.   i always sensed it could spell trouble and adults often joke with me about her aptitude.   all i can say is: i am going to sit back and watch this unfold.  either she is going to be like her mom and a total smart-ass and trouble maker in school or she is going to be tested for gifted at the school's suggestion as soon as it is allowed or she is going to be the kid who is shelving books in the library by the end of kindergarten instead of playing on the playground with the minions.  lol.

anyhoos.  caroline and danielle's drama is calling me....

feelings...

woh, woh, woh feeeeeeeelings.

they fucking suck.

having never really experienced or felt what i am going through in the past due to my wittle food addiction issue...i am just not used to feeling things.   talking about my feelings.  or even admitting i have them.   well, apparently there is a reason for this.  my parents, namely my mother, aren't too keen on expressing feelings.   as i have been going through this journey, i have come to realize that she is quick to shut down any expression of feeling.   and when you are used to just numbing your feelings with food and don't have the physical means to do it anymore...well... it fucking sucks. 

she just called to see how the first day of kindergarten drop off went.    school starts at 8AM and my main office is about 30 minutes away from the school.  because i am my kid's only parent when it comes to getting her to school, etc. and the school does not have a before-care program -- i need to get her there early most days.  i do have some flexibility with getting to work but in the instances where i need to be at work early (some call this "on-time", apparently) the school does open the cafeteria at 7:10 and as long as you drop your kid off by 7:30 they can get into the cafeteria and have breakfast.  so that is my modified solo-mom before-care program.  

so this morning i went through the breakfast line routine with the princess.   and when my mom called i told her the following:  she is not used to carrying trays of food and it is really too big for her.  i also mentioned that it was hard for her to reach for the food and the silverware was really out of reach.   my mom starts YELLING at me.  yes, YELLING at me to just get "over it" and stop making issues.  i told her i was not making issues -- i was just telling her what i observed and i may need to reconsider the breakfast at school idea and instead just get her there before the doors close at 7:30 or just be late for work until it becomes an issue.  her response was that people will be falling over themselves to help the princess.   i told her that we can't depend on that thought.  she then YELLED "i can see where today is going".  yep.  you're right mom.  it is going somewhere where an adult might fucking FEEL something and want to process it by talking about it and maybe even bouncing ideas for a solution off another SANE adult.  but, you're not sane, mom.     

you see, i am not a big believer in that because my kid is cute people are just going to drop everything to help her.   a *grandmother* may think that is what will happen...but i am her practical and logical mother.   i don't live in la la world.  i live in a world where i need to make sure there is a working system in place for my kid to be independent. 

my mom said something about i really don't need to worry because the princess will make a lot of friends.   i mention that it seems like a lot of the kids in the class know each other already from camp or daycare or something.     just a statement.   she said i am making that up.  i told her "no, the parents were talking about it".   i also said that the princess is more interested in talking to the teacher and other grown-ups (a trait that comes from having a solo-parent and no siblings that can work for or against you depending on the situation) and that she didn't seem to notice when the kids started to scoooch her out of line so they could sit together and by the time they went into the classroom she was sitting in the middle of the hall alone while all the other kids were sitting together and talking along the wall.   again my mother YELLED at me that i was making problems.   i told her that i was not.  i was just telling her what i observed.  she YELLED at me that i observed "wrong" and then got off the phone.

so that left me crying.   crying because i feel so out of control with this kindergarten thing.  crying because i am worried about my princess.  and crying because i am almost 38 and my mother can still fucking do this to me.  and crying most of all because i can not go downstairs and eat and make it all go away....far far away from my feelings.

i am so fed up with my mother and her fucking insanity lately.  she is so fucking unhealthy and as i get healthy it really just bothers me.   she can't deal with anything.     so she just avoids it -- by not participating or yelling that it is not true or going shopping or eating or going to the casino or or or.... 

last week the princess and i took a break from our Keys vacation and came up for orientation.  i invited my mother to go because i thought she would want to see the school, etc.  after all, she has so many fucking opinions on everything lol.   i also invited her to go because we were having a 504 plan (physical needs issues) meeting with her whole team at the school...and, ya know, it would be nice to have some adult back-up FOR ME when dealing with this shit.  my mom told me that she may go to the orientation at 8 but had to be back in her neighborhood for a charity meeting at 10.   fine.  day of the orientation she says she is not coming down just to turn around.   during the meeting i hear my phone ring in my purse.  when we leave i see it was my mom calling around 10:30 from her house.  hmmmm.   so we call her back and i ask her how her meeting was.  she stumbles for an answer and then tells me that she didn't go.     so she avoided kindergarten.  she avoided the special needs meeting.  she avoided helping me.   look, my mom, her mom, my aunts, my sister (and yes, even me) have suffered from depression.   and the more and more i get healthy the more and more i am angry at her for inflicting her shit on me.   inflicting it on me when i was growing up and putting me in a position to be enmeshed and addicted.   and inflicting it on me now when i am trying so hard to be a healthy mother for my own daughter.

it would just be so nice to have a SANE mother to share my observations with.  i KNOW the princess will figure out how to carry the tray, get the spoons, open the milk, make friends, etc.   but i really don't see what the big fucking deal is for me to talk about my FEELINGS and WORRY away from my daughter with another adult.   

hey, mom. guess what? putting your head in the sand and not seeing things for what they are and making everything "all right" all the time for your kid and encouraging other adults to do the same for your kid only ends up with your "kid" being in their 30s and weighing 373 pounds. no.fucking.thank.you.

what i am realizing is that my mother can no longer be my "other adult".   she is not a co-parent.  she is not my friend.  (all these things the enmeshment has led me to believe).   she is barely my own functioning parent.    i am finalizing realizing that i may need to go outside my sick little family and create my own.   interestingly enough, last night i got three surprising text messages of unsolicited support.   One from Bachelorette #1 (or was she #2...i can't remember), one from my closest straight-mommy friends who has a son a year older than the princess and one from -- of all people -- my daughter's biological father.    it was very nice of all of them to reach out to me on the eve of a very big day for me and princess. 

i am counting down the hours to when i will have possession (lol) of my child again.   i am still on vacation from work.   this afternoon i will go see my therapist (ooh-doggie, she will be earning her fee today! lol) and then i go get my nails done...and then i will steal my baby back from that evil school board.  lol...

Final vacation sunset

From Conch Key

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

game.set.match.

i did it.  i met my kindergarten goal today.   i sat my skinny ass in one of those teeny tiny chairs....  now there were chairs a little bigger in the room, but i made sure i sat in the smallest one:

Here is the proof.  The random dad taking the picture was *obviously* trying to get something else in the frame than showing my bottom half in the chair.... i was going to also include a picture of me around 350 on the princess' first day of preschool...but in the spirit of moving forward and not looking back all the time -- i have decided not to.

as for this whole "compulsory education" bullshit and kids growing up and independent....no comment.  :-(

we are back in the Keys until saturday.  

teaching kids to eat healthy....

just came across this article.  a lot of common sense, but a great reminder...i already am committed to packing the princess' lunch everyday for school.

www.sun-sentinel.com/health/fl-food-kids-eating-081210-20100812,0,2854680.story


Nutrition 101


Parents must be the teachers when kids are learning how to eat healthy.


Minneapolis Star Tribune


August 12, 2010

Parents, we need to talk.


School lunch is the topic on many parents' minds, what with news stories, blogs and chefs outing school-lunch ladies as misguided fools. (Never mind that the lunch ladies aren't the ones making the food choices.)

And, yes, school lunch needs some serious work. If you have school-age children, you should be paying attention to what your children's school has to offer during lunch and at other times, when the vending machines are open. (And if you don't like what you see, pack them a lunch.)

But as a parent, there is a far more important issue than school lunch — namely what's on your child's plate at home, especially with kids back in school this month.


Over 18 years, your child will consume at least 19,710 meals (parents of teenagers know that three-times-a-day is just the start).


Your child's school, should you put others in charge of lunch from first through 12th grade, is responsible for barely one in 10 meals, or 2,100 of them.


The biggest determinant to how well your child eats? Well, that would be you, the parents.


Of course, the food environment has evolved in the past 20 years (the deluge of food marketing to kids and adults, the lack of gym classes and walking paths, and much more).

But let's consider your actions because you control, at least in theory, your child's menu at home.

Mealtime is one of those moments where, regardless of your intent, it teaches a lesson — over and over again. What the lesson will be is up to you.

"If children grow up with mac and cheese and chicken nuggets, then that's what they'll eat as adults," said Jayne Fulkerson, associate professor in the School of Nursing at the University of Minnesota.


In other words, if you don't eat fruits and vegetables at home, it's not surprising when your child doesn't reach for them at school.

In the recent "Food Revolution" TV series with British chef Jamie Oliver, there is a scene where schoolchildren are offered a choice of marinated chicken drumsticks or pizza. When they go for the pizza, Oliver is shocked and blames it on the school lunch program. (And then he cries for the camera, which I sometimes felt like doing when my kids were grumbling about dinner.)

But that's too easy. Blame it on the parents. That scene reflects the kids' unfamiliarity with chicken drumsticks. They haven't eaten it at home.
Even if school lunches were terrific and kids got extensive nutrition education at school, they still would eat most of their meals at home.


"If you don't role-model at home, if children learn what to eat in the classroom and school lunch and then don't do it at home, how do you sustain that?" asked Fulkerson.


A matter of choices

It's about priorities. Today's "helicopter" parents hover over their children and their activities in a manner unseen in prior generations. Yet, when it comes to mealtime, many don't give it a second thought as they grab burgers, fries and soda at the drive-through on the way to yet another soccer game.

"There are so many more choices of food for children. Parents are stressed out. Kids are being marketed to aggressively," said Mary Story, professor of nutrition at the University of Minnesota and director of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation's Healthy Eating Research.

"Unhealthy foods are in so many areas of life, not just on TV, but wherever kids turn. There are so many cues in our society for unhealthy eating," said Story. "For parents, it's easy just to give in to their kids. You can see it with parents cooking separate meals for kids. They don't want to deal with the hassle."

It's in your hands

So what can you do as a parent?

• Make mealtime a priority for your family. Sit down together. It isn't just the food that matters — it's the time together, the sense of feeling connected to those at the table. And research from the University of Minnesota shows that children who eat with their families have higher-quality diets.

• Make dinner. Yes, take out the pots and pans, and cook. No need for fancy food. Modest offerings will be more healthful than anything you can find at a restaurant or fast-food outlet. You'll eat less, too, than if you're dining at a restaurant.

"I can go to a restaurant and order pasta and know that it is three meals' worth of food because I have a context for that," said Fulkerson. "But kids don't have that perspective. Parents must teach them what a normal portion is."

With easy recipes, meal prep doesn't have to take long. When you do it yourself, you can have the benefit of using less processed foods and adding more variety to your diet than you will get eating out.


• Serve only one meal at mealtime. The home kitchen isn't a restaurant with a short-order cook. There should be one choice, and that's called dinner. Frequent dining out gets kids accustomed to the "I want this, not that" approach to mealtime. Remember who's in charge (whoever is doing the cooking).

• Cook together. Let your children help with the cooking. It's not fast, and it's often messy. But learning to cook teaches children how to take care of themselves and how to eat healthfully. Plus, not so incidentally, kids really like it. (And they do get better at it with time.) They are also more likely to eat the food when they've been part of its preparation (see above).

• Keep healthful food in the house. That seems like a no-brainer, but check your pantry and refrigerator. Is it stocked with soda, chips and sweets? If so, don't be surprised if your child chooses those foods. As the parent, you're the gatekeeper, at least when your children are young.


Take a cue from the marketers and make good food visible in your kitchen. That means fresh fruit on the counter where the kids will see it (if you leave it in the refrigerator, no one will find it).

Behind every overweight child, there is an overweight parent or two and, often, an overweight family. Eat better together.

• Expand your food horizons. Try new foods occasionally. "Oftentimes, parents give in too easily," said Story, about children who are squeamish about new food. "We've seen in our research that when you increase fruits and vegetables in preschool settings, children will eat them.

"Those parents said, 'I can't believe that my child would eat broccoli' when they see them eat it in preschool. Oftentimes, unfamiliar foods need to be presented numerous times in a neutral context for kids to like them."


Lee Svitak Dean, mother of three, with 24 years of child-raising recently behind her, has supervised 26,280 meals for her family during those years. And she still likes to cook.   Copyright © 2010, South Florida Sun-Sentinel