Ok…so here it goes….the narcissism post.
Some ground rules…I am going to admit some things here that may be related to my relationships with people who I know in real life and read this blog as well as blog friends. Nothing I post is specific to any individual nor is it being said or intended in any way to hurt you. It is all about ME ME ME… I ask those of you who know me in real life to be gentle with the “n-word” as we go through real life together. I know “what“ I am and I am slowly adjusting. Please don’t attribute the “n-word” to me in our conversations or in reference to me to other people we know. (ps. My therapist also thinks I am a control freak…ya think?)
Like I said, I know “what” I am. And while I know some of the narcissist traits may need to change…some are a big part of the Heidi you know and love. And in addition to losing a whole person in body mass…it is really hard to adjust to the fact that I may lose a large part of the only personality I have ever had.
A couple months ago I went to wine party (rolling, rolling, rolling on the river). I felt it was pretty lame and boring. I mentioned that fact on the phone to my mom the next day and she said it was because I was not the center of attention. I got pissed at her. But I realize now, that may be partially true. I walk into every room thinking “look at me. You all want to know me. Shit, you all want to fuck me”. (ok, admit it real life friends…you really do want to fuck me…lol).
I am very proud of my professional achievements. However, I did not get where I am by being well liked. I have been called intense and intimidating. The word “bulldozer” has been attributed to me more than once in professional settings. Really, at the end of day, how proud can I be of what I accomplished if I bullied my way into it?
Early on in my sessions my therapist identified me as narcissist. Immediately I had images of vanity smurf in my head. He was always my favorite, ironically....(right after that hot bitch smurfette…). But as we have gone deeper into our discussions I can see what she is saying…sigh.
So, Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as including some of the following symptoms:
So, Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as including some of the following symptoms:
- Believing that you're better than others
- Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
- Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration- Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
- Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
- Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
- Taking advantage of others
- Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
- Being jealous of others
- Believing that others are jealous of you
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Setting unrealistic goals
- Being easily hurt and rejected
- Having a fragile self-esteem
- Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
I can pretty much related to.every.single.item on this list.
So how does this relate to obesity? Well…as a narcissist the rules do not apply to me. As a narcissist, I can be morbidly obese because I am smarter than doctors and can beat the odds. My obesity also served as great armor for my “fragile self-esteem” and allowed me to appear as “tough-minded”.
How does it relate to my weight-loss. Well…sigh…ok, here it goes…I admitted to my therapist that when I read other people’s blogs I am constantly running the numbers in my head. Comparing their weight loss to mine. “I have lost 56 pounds in 5 months….they lost x-amount in blank months…I am so ahead of them in my averages…I rock”. <<<<< yes, I am ashamed to admit, that is my inner dialogue. (please someone chime in here and save my “fragile self-esteem” and say they do the same thing…) In my defense, since I talked to my therapist about this specific issue a couple weeks ago and she told me to STOP I really have regulated my thoughts when reading other blogs.
Tonight is the first time I will be at support group in three weeks due to travel and other obligations. I am dreading it…only for one reason…I know there will be new people there who have been bonding with MY support group friends for 3 weeks without me. But more to the point, and what my therapist painfully pulled out of me….i am dreading these new people because my inner dialogue when I walk into the room tonight will be “you have no fucking clue WHO I am…..”. my therapeutic challenge tonight is sit back and observe and participate and not dominate the group. ACK!!!!!!! That is all I know how to do…is dominate groups, people, events, and on and on and on.
I want to change. I want to learn how to have all kinds of “healthy relationships”. I want to be someone people genuinely like and not someone they go along with out of intimidation.
I don’t want to be so arrogant in dealing with people that I embarrass my daughter or make life harder for her. Do you know how many times in the last 5 years of her life that kid has heard mommy refer to somebody as a dumbass - -because mommy did not get her way?
I want to be in love and in a healthy relationship (this will be addressed more in the 3rd of the trifecta issues post…living in the middle). I want to – for the first time in my 37 years of life – create lasting relationships with friends and lovers. I have put a lot of energy in the last year of joining and participating in an amazing women’s social community. That alone is a big step for me. Previously, I never get too involved with things because I end up getting frustrated and leaving. And this girl has never left any situation gracefully…nope--- that inner narcissist dialogue is saying “fuck them. They don’t deserve me. I am so fucking better than this….”. but not this time. I have met some amazing people and I don’t ever want to leave the community nor do I want my narcissism to ever hurt this people I have come to genuinely care about.
{ok, pissing in my pants here…literally as I am writing this above paragraph the following email dialogue takes place….it is about a party this weekend:
Jr.: Many more (and worse!) photos on the way!
Me: where are they?????????? i want to see them NOW!!!!!
Commando: rut ro.....thus spoke heidi, you better get those pictures posted, or feel the wrath!
rflmao…if that email exchange does not sum up my personality and how my friends perceive me…I don’t know what does…..i am so lucky that these women love my bossy, bitchy holier than thou skinny ass}
So my challenge in life right now is learning to dial back some of my personality…but not just externally what people see…I need to dial back and change how I look at the world and those around me -- my internal personality. Being “right” and “better than others” for all these years only got me to 373 pounds and a long history of hurting people. I am so fucking done with that. But at the same time it is a balance…I think there is some truth in the saying “fake it until you make it”. Thinking I can lose weight and That I will be successful and “Fantasizing about my success and attractiveness” is just as important to my personality right now as learning how not to be judgmental…
So there you have it….i truly am interested in hearing what you all have to say and your experiences with this. <<<< and no, my therapist did NOT make me write that! lol
What a deep post for a Monday morning. :)
ReplyDeleteFirst, yes, I totally compare numbers when reading blogs. I fully admit it. I see A LOT of myself in you. Or you in me. Whatever.
Anyhow, you know what got me back on the wagon when I was struggling so bad pre-restriction? YOUR numbers! When you posted that you'd lost 54 lbs in 4 months, and I wasn't even at 40 lbs, that pissed me off. I thought, "I can do better than HER!" So there. Yes, I do the same. {big grin here}
Being totally honest, I fit the bill for a lot of narcisstic personality disorder, too. I have dialed it back a lot in the past few years, but mostly I think because a large part of my ego got deflated when my career didn't take off like I thought it should have. Hell, I was valedictorian, National Merit Scholar, graduated college and grad school magna cum laude. I thought that was my ticket to being successful in my career. I figured people would be knocking my door down to hire me and then I'd climb the corporate ladder faster than anyone ever had. Nope. Not so much. That's been a huge blow to my ego, and I think that has a large role in my fat issues.
Anyhow, I digress. I applaud you for doing the hard work. I'm interested to hear what others have to say as well. I was going to post something soon about how we all have such powerful personalities here in blogland, and I have a feeling that's a commonality that perhaps drove part of our obesity. But it's too deep for me to write about right now! It is Monday after all!
Heidi, I think I may have been confusing "type A" with "narcissist". I was driving myself crazy, so I came up with this "only compete with myself" plan, since it's the only way to truly measure your level of success. I still set the bar insanely high, but at least it helps with how I relate to others. I think alot of us on here are seen as aggressive in our real lives. It's a mixed bag because it's gotten us where we are, but at what social/emotional cost? From the outside looking in, it appears you are addressing these issues head on. That's the most you can do, and I fully believe it will work out for you. You don't fail at much, if anything.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'll be posting before, during surgery, post op, and after pictures.
Well, at least you made me feel better about myself today! hahah...bc you know me, i like to be the center of attention also! My sister said I came out of my mom screaming "take my picture, take my picture"...but I am unlike you in the sense that I am afraid to push for what I want. Which is funny bc I used to be SO bossy growing up. Now I fear confrontation, or making someone upset, or coming off as a bitch. I get that a lot on my work evals, that I need to go for it more. So maybe some of that can rub off on me please?
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one that pays attention to numbers on others blogs. JUST yesterday I was talking to another bandster and I was surprised she looked at other peoples tickers adn compared things like numbers and BMI's. You are not alone.
Good for you for posting all of that. Or...hmmmm...did you like posting all of that bc we are all focused on you now? hmmmm...crap! This is getting too deep!
I compared numbers and do a lot of the things you mentioned in regard to needing things MY WAY, ALL the time!
ReplyDeleteI re-read my comments and realize I sounded like a real jerk. When I say that I compete with numbers and such, it's not competition with a person, but with the idea that xyz is attainable. And if it's attainable, then I want to be the one to attain it. Does that make sense? :)I hope so, because I'm really not that much of a judgy bitch!
ReplyDeleteI think we need to put all you attention seeking whores in one room at Chicago so we can all come and adore you in one place. We don't need any cat fights over who is the center of attention. But seriously, it sounds like you have done a tremendous amount of work on becoming a more enlightened woman and I have so much respect for you. I think it is only natural to compare weight loss when reading other blogs. Right now I have it easy because I'm not banded yet. I can read all the great successes and think, "That's going to be me some day." But you can bet your pretty, skinny ass as soon as I'm banded, GAME ON.
ReplyDeleteI guess you could say that I am the opposite of a Narcissist. I am the shy one, the one that always preferred to blend in to the crowd. I am more of a people pleaser, I hate to hurt peoples feelings, etc.
ReplyDeleteI guess that you would call me a real pushover!! But that is ok, we can't all be the one in the spotlight. Those in the spotlight need ones like me to look up to them! In this way we balance each other out.
But yes, I do look at the numbers on everyone's blogs and wonder why I can't get my shit together and really start my weight loss like everyone else!!!