stuck

kind of just downloading random thoughts here.

so after sooooo many months of food, drinks, saliva, etc being stuck in my throat all the time i am not dealing with that.  instead i am dealing with a stuck scale.

it is soooooo frustrating.    226.  i go down to to 224.  223.  and then when i weigh in "officially" last thursday i am back at 226.  i was there this morning too, for example.

i know i need to exercise.   there is no time.  really.  

it is so frustrating.   i know i need some more fill.  but worried about getting to tight again.

i am also in job search mode.  two different positions i am actively pursuing.  position #1 is a c*ty m@nag%r position for a small town.   position #2 is an assist@nt c*ty m@nag%r position for a larger city.   i am officially a finalist for position #1.  have been interviewing with each elected official individually over the last week -- including this past weekend.  i have one more scheduled elected official interview to go.  thursday i will find out if i make it to the final cut.   tomorrow night i am attending a public meeting for position #2 to do my research.   that position has closed and i am awaiting the first interview call.  i have been doing a lot of visioning with this position.   for example the morning after i sent in my resume i said at 7:50AM that i expected a personal "thank you for your resume" email in "10 minutes" when the HR person fires up their computer.  needless to say that email came at 8:01 (11 minutes after i visioned it).  i'll take it.

this visioning stuff has to do with my weight loss issues.  and the word stuck.
 but i am so fricking tired right now and my eyes are closing so i will continue tomorrow.   hopefully.

cognitive dissonance -- part two

this morning the scale said 224.  

yesterday it said 226.

2 pound loss.

so...tomorrow it will say 222....right?

LOL.

UGH.

cognitive dissonance

this morning was my "official" weekly weigh-in at home.  this is opposed to the 5 13 other times a day (everyday) that i jump on the scale.

i was down 3 pounds...to 226.   i also went to the doctor this afternoon for a fill.  got 2 more put back in. i am up to 8.5.    not sure on restriction yet as i am on fluids/mushies.  

the scale thing is so fucked up for me.   every morning i jump on the scale naked.  and every day i EXPECT the weight to be 2 pounds down.  really...i have this expectation.  and when it is not two pounds down most mornings i get discouraged.

now, here is the thing...there is a part of my mind that KNOWS that it is totally unrealistic for me to go down 2 pounds every morning.   that would be 14 pounds lost every week and 56 pounds a month.   (cue dreamy music, doves flying, and mice putting a pretty dress on me.....)

really, heidi? you rationally expect to lose 14 pounds a week?  and when you don't -- you sabotage yourself daily.... 

yes.  i do.

this really blows my mind.   i know this is not realistic but yet day in and day out i hop my jiggly naked body on the scale expecting to see a loss of 2.  

i know one solution is to stop jumping on the scale.  i can't.  i am dependent on it at this point.  i remember at one point in the height of my loss and therapy i did not have a scale.   right now i am sooooo scared of waking up at 373 pounds that i need the "security" of the scale in the house -- and more importantly the security of seeing a number on the scale every morning.   preferably 2 less than the number the day before.

TOWANDA!!!!!

don't you just hate when you have your perfect little kathy bates moment and no one even notices?

let me set the scene... i am, of course, kathy bates.... Love is poor ol Ed... my mom is the sassy girls in the convertible....and the gluten free cookies my mom sent home with the Princess is the wall in the house....

when i first settled into this weight loss journey i did some intense therapy that is well documented in this blog. one of the biggest issues i realized, confronted and set out to address was the enmeshment and control issues with my parents --- especially as it related to my almost lifelong obesity.   some families bond over little league baseball.   some over their musical abilities.   we bonded over our obesity.  weight watcher meetings when i was as young as 8 attended to as a family and then out for "fat free" frozen yogurt after our depressing weigh-ins.    we gained together and we dieted together.   and through therapy i learned this was my parents way of controlling me and keeping me as their own.

it is not lost on me that the same week i prepared for my weight loss surgery my parents started hgc diet.   and as i lost weight rapidly....so did they....fortunately, through my therapy i was able to deliberately separate my weight loss process from theirs.

so....i have been gaining weight.  

after you so LOUDLY and PROUDLY and OBNOXIOUSLY lose 180 pounds you KNOW that when you gain 40 or so pounds in a matter of 2 years...people close to you notice.

of course they notice.   just this past week my mom said something about a girl who was "our size"....and i know she was not talking about the size 12 i am still in my mind.

then...this past weekend the princess went to spend some time with my mom....and my mom came up with a nifty little activity for them to do....bake mommy gluten free cookies.   yep...my mom, who knows i am struggling.  knows i gained weight.  not only sent home cookies for "only me" with my daughter...she literally put a pink bow on it.   my mother is not martha stewart.  pink bows are not her thing.   but these cookies came to me with a pink bow.  so proudly given to me by my daughter when my father dropped her off.

so what did i do?

run over them with my car?

politely give them back to my dad?

feed them to the celiac squirrel in our backyard?

no.

i ate 3 of them.   3.   ok, maybe 4.  i don't remember.

then i hid them from myself.

(in case you are ever looking for liquor or carbs in this house --- they are in the cabinet above the refrigerator)

this was sunday night.

monday morning i don't know what happened.  

i woke up MAD.

MAD AS HELL.

MAD.

maybe i do know what happened.  i hopped on the scale.

it said 231.

i went TOWANDA.

i grabbed the hidden cookies, the hidden treats, dumped the cheese dip, the chocolate i was holding onto since last halloween (and that i stole from the princess), the candy hearts from valentines day (that i stole from the princess).   all of it.  in a bag and in the garbage can outside.   (it was garbage day  -- thank god).

Love didn't even notice me stuffing the bag and storming out of the house.   good ol Ed.

seriously....what good is a temper tantrum and being mad at your mom if no one even notices?????

(total jewish daughter guilt disclaimer here:  i love my mom.   i really love my mom.  i appreciate that she kept the princess with her all day sunday while i dealt with a bad cold.   i appreciate that she thought to do something "nice" for me.....but please...mom...stop feeding me....and, no, i do not have the ability to tell her...something about enmeshment and fear of letting my parents down.....vicious cycle....)

i want to lose 39 pounds over night....

and that's that.    in my rose colored mind i had surgery and woke up skinny.    why can't that happen again?why is it sooooo hard?  


so in mid-August i had all my fluid out.   i thought i had 6cc of the 11cc out.   turns out i had 7cc out.    the first week i was sooooooooo good.   (ew, my old therapist would tell me to not say "good").... but i was.    i rode my bike 4 miles every night.   i wrote down what i wrote.   i used portion control.  in the first week i was down 2 pounds.   221.  i even told myself that 2 pounds a week was not only realistic but also consistent with the rate of weight loss i achieved during the rose colored days.   when i went in to get some fill put back in i was up 6 pounds from my "fluid out" weight in.   i gave up the other 3 weeks in between fluid out and fluid in.

right now i am trying to keep focused on the realistic goal of 2 pounds a week.   my official home weigh in day is thursday.   last thursday i was down 2 pounds.  227.  but i still have very little restriction.  i can eat too much and my choices are not always the best.  tomorrow morning i will call in for the next fill.

i realize that unlike the rose colored glasses days,  my life no longer revolve around weight loss. and i am suffering for it.    i am going to try my best to get to support group this month.  it is next monday.   i do find myself blogging in my head while i drive to and from work.  but i know i need to really commit it to a computer screen.

i keep thinking about all the fall/winter clothes i have from two years ago that don't fit me anymore.   at the end of december we are going on a long trip to the northeast.  i am hoping that i can fit into these clothes again...comfortably.   i wonder if that is realistic.

when i first lost weight i, for the first time in my life, was able to watch tv or look at clothes in stores and consider myself in them.   now i find myself watching shows like housewives or project runway and feeling fat....when just a couple years ago i these same shows made me feel motivated.

the clothes thing really bugs me.   after a lifetime of not feeling good in my clothes, i finally got used to feeling good in clothes and now it is gone.

hopefully not for too long.

scared of restaurants....

considering my situation with no restriction right now i am scared to death to eat at a restaurant.   because i am scared to death to gain weight.  

thursday we were going to an event in the evening close to my office.   there happened to be a fundraiser that evening at Ch*p*lte for a group i support as well.    so it made sense to go there since we had to eat out anyways.   i obsessed about this all day thursday.   finally i decided to go to their website and i found a handy dandy calculator where you could build your meal.   playing around on it i was able to come up with a combination of items that interested me and was relatively low in calories and carbs but high in protein.   i went with a bowl -- no rice -- with fajita veggies and cheese.       honestly i included the cheese because i thought I would only eat half of the bowl.  i ate the whole thing.   to be fair it was not like the bowl was filled.  it was a scoop of carnitas and a scoop of peppers and onions and a couple tablespoons of cheese.  according to the calculator it was 310 calories, 5 carbs and 36 protein.   i think that was a wise choice and i felt calm and in control, even eating the whole bowl.

but this whole eating out of the house thing stresses me out right now.   like tonight...we were visiting Love's dad in Miami and it got late and Love and Princess were "starving" so instead of driving the hour home to where i had snapper ready to cook...we ended up going out.   we choses Burgrefii which is "eh".... i had a small patty with swiss cheese no bread (i am allergic to wheat).    i stayed away from the fries.  

fortunately i keep verbalizing that eating in restaurants scares me right now and i think Love is "hearing" me.  like tonight when she suggested mexican i promptly told her that anywhere with chips on the table is off limits.   trigger foods.

tomorrow we are going to Disney for the day.   again eating out.  it is not unusual for us to picnic with our own food in the park.  but tomorrow we are not.   nervous.   i have some meal destinations in mind.  but there are so many unknowns.

 i am scared.  scared of gaining more weight.

a proper meal plan

so when i was starting to figure out that "something was not right" i made an appointment with the nutritionist so i could get a refresher. of course i left my appointment and got a full calorie grande hot chocolate from starbucks (i don't like coffee) and carried around all the notes from the nutritionist in my purse for a week or so until i retired the, now creased, papers to my kitchen counter...under some corn nuts.  yummmmm.  corn nuts.

so i pulled out the sheets over the weekend when i was freaking out and they sat on my bedside table until last night when i actually picked them up and glanced at them.

since i still haven't reviewed the sheets in their entirety i figure i would retype them.  (i used to recopy my classroom notes in college as a way to study....)

here is the weekly meal plan she provide me with...

*************
Carbs < 40 grams a day
Protein 70-80 grams
Fruit 15 grams carbs
Vegetables 5-10 carbs

Breakfast should be 2-3 oz of protein or dairy with optional fruit.   Sources of protein should be high protein ricotta pancakes or cottage cheese or yogurt with almonds (for crunch) or egg or protein shake.

Between breakfast and lunch -- "fluid" --- now i am wondering if at the time she said this was just water or was it a shake?

Lunch should be 3oz of protein and 1/4 - 1/2 cup of vegetable.  Sources of protein are meat and then for the veggie do something crunchy to avoid chips....cucumber, zucchini, squash fries, chips out of parmesan.  or quinoa salad or beans -- like chickpeas.

Between  lunch and dinner -- "fluid" (????)

Dinner should be 3 oz of protein and 1/4 - 1/2 cup of vegetable.   some ideas include taco salad or broccoli slaw with a protein or asian cole slaw (eat smart brand) with salmon or seared tuna.

*************

so...now i am thinking if i am supposed to have 8 - 9 oz of protein that is 56 - 63 grams of protein so maybe a snack  should be a shake to get me to 80 grams.  i drink EAS which are 17 gram each.

seems like my plan of the last couple days lines up closely with the plan the nutritionist provided me with.... but, honestly, this is due to the unfill....before the unfill i could not imagine getting in my daily water....and forget about vegetables and fruits.

i am having a hard time remembering if i followed this kind of meal plan during year one and year two.  of course my memory of everything is that it was sooooooooooooooo easy.  and i just woke up skinny one day.  my hindsight is always through rose colored glasses.