TOWANDA!!!!!

don't you just hate when you have your perfect little kathy bates moment and no one even notices?

let me set the scene... i am, of course, kathy bates.... Love is poor ol Ed... my mom is the sassy girls in the convertible....and the gluten free cookies my mom sent home with the Princess is the wall in the house....

when i first settled into this weight loss journey i did some intense therapy that is well documented in this blog. one of the biggest issues i realized, confronted and set out to address was the enmeshment and control issues with my parents --- especially as it related to my almost lifelong obesity.   some families bond over little league baseball.   some over their musical abilities.   we bonded over our obesity.  weight watcher meetings when i was as young as 8 attended to as a family and then out for "fat free" frozen yogurt after our depressing weigh-ins.    we gained together and we dieted together.   and through therapy i learned this was my parents way of controlling me and keeping me as their own.

it is not lost on me that the same week i prepared for my weight loss surgery my parents started hgc diet.   and as i lost weight rapidly....so did they....fortunately, through my therapy i was able to deliberately separate my weight loss process from theirs.

so....i have been gaining weight.  

after you so LOUDLY and PROUDLY and OBNOXIOUSLY lose 180 pounds you KNOW that when you gain 40 or so pounds in a matter of 2 years...people close to you notice.

of course they notice.   just this past week my mom said something about a girl who was "our size"....and i know she was not talking about the size 12 i am still in my mind.

then...this past weekend the princess went to spend some time with my mom....and my mom came up with a nifty little activity for them to do....bake mommy gluten free cookies.   yep...my mom, who knows i am struggling.  knows i gained weight.  not only sent home cookies for "only me" with my daughter...she literally put a pink bow on it.   my mother is not martha stewart.  pink bows are not her thing.   but these cookies came to me with a pink bow.  so proudly given to me by my daughter when my father dropped her off.

so what did i do?

run over them with my car?

politely give them back to my dad?

feed them to the celiac squirrel in our backyard?

no.

i ate 3 of them.   3.   ok, maybe 4.  i don't remember.

then i hid them from myself.

(in case you are ever looking for liquor or carbs in this house --- they are in the cabinet above the refrigerator)

this was sunday night.

monday morning i don't know what happened.  

i woke up MAD.

MAD AS HELL.

MAD.

maybe i do know what happened.  i hopped on the scale.

it said 231.

i went TOWANDA.

i grabbed the hidden cookies, the hidden treats, dumped the cheese dip, the chocolate i was holding onto since last halloween (and that i stole from the princess), the candy hearts from valentines day (that i stole from the princess).   all of it.  in a bag and in the garbage can outside.   (it was garbage day  -- thank god).

Love didn't even notice me stuffing the bag and storming out of the house.   good ol Ed.

seriously....what good is a temper tantrum and being mad at your mom if no one even notices?????

(total jewish daughter guilt disclaimer here:  i love my mom.   i really love my mom.  i appreciate that she kept the princess with her all day sunday while i dealt with a bad cold.   i appreciate that she thought to do something "nice" for me.....but please...mom...stop feeding me....and, no, i do not have the ability to tell her...something about enmeshment and fear of letting my parents down.....vicious cycle....)