TOWANDA!!!!!

don't you just hate when you have your perfect little kathy bates moment and no one even notices?

let me set the scene... i am, of course, kathy bates.... Love is poor ol Ed... my mom is the sassy girls in the convertible....and the gluten free cookies my mom sent home with the Princess is the wall in the house....

when i first settled into this weight loss journey i did some intense therapy that is well documented in this blog. one of the biggest issues i realized, confronted and set out to address was the enmeshment and control issues with my parents --- especially as it related to my almost lifelong obesity.   some families bond over little league baseball.   some over their musical abilities.   we bonded over our obesity.  weight watcher meetings when i was as young as 8 attended to as a family and then out for "fat free" frozen yogurt after our depressing weigh-ins.    we gained together and we dieted together.   and through therapy i learned this was my parents way of controlling me and keeping me as their own.

it is not lost on me that the same week i prepared for my weight loss surgery my parents started hgc diet.   and as i lost weight rapidly....so did they....fortunately, through my therapy i was able to deliberately separate my weight loss process from theirs.

so....i have been gaining weight.  

after you so LOUDLY and PROUDLY and OBNOXIOUSLY lose 180 pounds you KNOW that when you gain 40 or so pounds in a matter of 2 years...people close to you notice.

of course they notice.   just this past week my mom said something about a girl who was "our size"....and i know she was not talking about the size 12 i am still in my mind.

then...this past weekend the princess went to spend some time with my mom....and my mom came up with a nifty little activity for them to do....bake mommy gluten free cookies.   yep...my mom, who knows i am struggling.  knows i gained weight.  not only sent home cookies for "only me" with my daughter...she literally put a pink bow on it.   my mother is not martha stewart.  pink bows are not her thing.   but these cookies came to me with a pink bow.  so proudly given to me by my daughter when my father dropped her off.

so what did i do?

run over them with my car?

politely give them back to my dad?

feed them to the celiac squirrel in our backyard?

no.

i ate 3 of them.   3.   ok, maybe 4.  i don't remember.

then i hid them from myself.

(in case you are ever looking for liquor or carbs in this house --- they are in the cabinet above the refrigerator)

this was sunday night.

monday morning i don't know what happened.  

i woke up MAD.

MAD AS HELL.

MAD.

maybe i do know what happened.  i hopped on the scale.

it said 231.

i went TOWANDA.

i grabbed the hidden cookies, the hidden treats, dumped the cheese dip, the chocolate i was holding onto since last halloween (and that i stole from the princess), the candy hearts from valentines day (that i stole from the princess).   all of it.  in a bag and in the garbage can outside.   (it was garbage day  -- thank god).

Love didn't even notice me stuffing the bag and storming out of the house.   good ol Ed.

seriously....what good is a temper tantrum and being mad at your mom if no one even notices?????

(total jewish daughter guilt disclaimer here:  i love my mom.   i really love my mom.  i appreciate that she kept the princess with her all day sunday while i dealt with a bad cold.   i appreciate that she thought to do something "nice" for me.....but please...mom...stop feeding me....and, no, i do not have the ability to tell her...something about enmeshment and fear of letting my parents down.....vicious cycle....)

i want to lose 39 pounds over night....

and that's that.    in my rose colored mind i had surgery and woke up skinny.    why can't that happen again?why is it sooooo hard?  


so in mid-August i had all my fluid out.   i thought i had 6cc of the 11cc out.   turns out i had 7cc out.    the first week i was sooooooooo good.   (ew, my old therapist would tell me to not say "good").... but i was.    i rode my bike 4 miles every night.   i wrote down what i wrote.   i used portion control.  in the first week i was down 2 pounds.   221.  i even told myself that 2 pounds a week was not only realistic but also consistent with the rate of weight loss i achieved during the rose colored days.   when i went in to get some fill put back in i was up 6 pounds from my "fluid out" weight in.   i gave up the other 3 weeks in between fluid out and fluid in.

right now i am trying to keep focused on the realistic goal of 2 pounds a week.   my official home weigh in day is thursday.   last thursday i was down 2 pounds.  227.  but i still have very little restriction.  i can eat too much and my choices are not always the best.  tomorrow morning i will call in for the next fill.

i realize that unlike the rose colored glasses days,  my life no longer revolve around weight loss. and i am suffering for it.    i am going to try my best to get to support group this month.  it is next monday.   i do find myself blogging in my head while i drive to and from work.  but i know i need to really commit it to a computer screen.

i keep thinking about all the fall/winter clothes i have from two years ago that don't fit me anymore.   at the end of december we are going on a long trip to the northeast.  i am hoping that i can fit into these clothes again...comfortably.   i wonder if that is realistic.

when i first lost weight i, for the first time in my life, was able to watch tv or look at clothes in stores and consider myself in them.   now i find myself watching shows like housewives or project runway and feeling fat....when just a couple years ago i these same shows made me feel motivated.

the clothes thing really bugs me.   after a lifetime of not feeling good in my clothes, i finally got used to feeling good in clothes and now it is gone.

hopefully not for too long.

scared of restaurants....

considering my situation with no restriction right now i am scared to death to eat at a restaurant.   because i am scared to death to gain weight.  

thursday we were going to an event in the evening close to my office.   there happened to be a fundraiser that evening at Ch*p*lte for a group i support as well.    so it made sense to go there since we had to eat out anyways.   i obsessed about this all day thursday.   finally i decided to go to their website and i found a handy dandy calculator where you could build your meal.   playing around on it i was able to come up with a combination of items that interested me and was relatively low in calories and carbs but high in protein.   i went with a bowl -- no rice -- with fajita veggies and cheese.       honestly i included the cheese because i thought I would only eat half of the bowl.  i ate the whole thing.   to be fair it was not like the bowl was filled.  it was a scoop of carnitas and a scoop of peppers and onions and a couple tablespoons of cheese.  according to the calculator it was 310 calories, 5 carbs and 36 protein.   i think that was a wise choice and i felt calm and in control, even eating the whole bowl.

but this whole eating out of the house thing stresses me out right now.   like tonight...we were visiting Love's dad in Miami and it got late and Love and Princess were "starving" so instead of driving the hour home to where i had snapper ready to cook...we ended up going out.   we choses Burgrefii which is "eh".... i had a small patty with swiss cheese no bread (i am allergic to wheat).    i stayed away from the fries.  

fortunately i keep verbalizing that eating in restaurants scares me right now and i think Love is "hearing" me.  like tonight when she suggested mexican i promptly told her that anywhere with chips on the table is off limits.   trigger foods.

tomorrow we are going to Disney for the day.   again eating out.  it is not unusual for us to picnic with our own food in the park.  but tomorrow we are not.   nervous.   i have some meal destinations in mind.  but there are so many unknowns.

 i am scared.  scared of gaining more weight.

a proper meal plan

so when i was starting to figure out that "something was not right" i made an appointment with the nutritionist so i could get a refresher. of course i left my appointment and got a full calorie grande hot chocolate from starbucks (i don't like coffee) and carried around all the notes from the nutritionist in my purse for a week or so until i retired the, now creased, papers to my kitchen counter...under some corn nuts.  yummmmm.  corn nuts.

so i pulled out the sheets over the weekend when i was freaking out and they sat on my bedside table until last night when i actually picked them up and glanced at them.

since i still haven't reviewed the sheets in their entirety i figure i would retype them.  (i used to recopy my classroom notes in college as a way to study....)

here is the weekly meal plan she provide me with...

*************
Carbs < 40 grams a day
Protein 70-80 grams
Fruit 15 grams carbs
Vegetables 5-10 carbs

Breakfast should be 2-3 oz of protein or dairy with optional fruit.   Sources of protein should be high protein ricotta pancakes or cottage cheese or yogurt with almonds (for crunch) or egg or protein shake.

Between breakfast and lunch -- "fluid" --- now i am wondering if at the time she said this was just water or was it a shake?

Lunch should be 3oz of protein and 1/4 - 1/2 cup of vegetable.  Sources of protein are meat and then for the veggie do something crunchy to avoid chips....cucumber, zucchini, squash fries, chips out of parmesan.  or quinoa salad or beans -- like chickpeas.

Between  lunch and dinner -- "fluid" (????)

Dinner should be 3 oz of protein and 1/4 - 1/2 cup of vegetable.   some ideas include taco salad or broccoli slaw with a protein or asian cole slaw (eat smart brand) with salmon or seared tuna.

*************

so...now i am thinking if i am supposed to have 8 - 9 oz of protein that is 56 - 63 grams of protein so maybe a snack  should be a shake to get me to 80 grams.  i drink EAS which are 17 gram each.

seems like my plan of the last couple days lines up closely with the plan the nutritionist provided me with.... but, honestly, this is due to the unfill....before the unfill i could not imagine getting in my daily water....and forget about vegetables and fruits.

i am having a hard time remembering if i followed this kind of meal plan during year one and year two.  of course my memory of everything is that it was sooooooooooooooo easy.  and i just woke up skinny one day.  my hindsight is always through rose colored glasses.

is this thing on?

so....how do you start a post after almost two years of avoiding blogging?   an apology?   an excuse?  a lie?

it is not lost on me that during the EXACT time that i was not blogging i gained weight.

my "new" dream job two and half years ago turned into a nightmare that i am still living.   i walked into a toxic dysfunctional environment and was expected to fix it and thrive in it at the same time.   no support from about.  maliciousness from below.   they were digging into my "past" to get me fired.   ("they" are all gone now, btw) and i was scared shitless somehow they would find this blog.   now i don't care.  i mean i care...but i am not going to be held prisoner by these people.  the place is still toxic, unfriendly and dysfunctional.   now it is no longer a dream job but merely a paycheck and a stop on the career path.  sad.

the former girlfriend who was previously referred to as "The One Who Got Away" (TOWGA) is now my partner/girlfriend/whatever we call ourselves.  i will now refer to her as Love.  our lives are completely melded.  we are raising the Princess as a co-parents.   it is nice.  like anything it has its challenges but we are committed.  and this has kept me distracted and busy.

so...you put together a bad job situation with a "new" relationship....and all caution got thrown to the wind.... size 12s turned into 14s turned into 16s and there are actually a couple 18s hanging in the closet.  all the weight gain is in my stomach and thighs.   since the boob job and because my shoulders and collar bone present fabulously....i can pretend that i am not that fat by looking in the mirror from mid-boob up.  i am very good at that, by the way.

and now...here i am.  sitting here at 223 pounds.  i used to weigh 193.   then i went all the way up to 239 and a few months ago said enough is enough and went back into see my lapband doctor after avoiding that for almost a year.    weighing in at a whopping 239.   i got a fill.   but something was not right.   i lost 10 pounds the first month post fill but then only 4 pounds.   i was tight.   oh yeah.  i was tight. but aren't we supposed to be tight?   sometimes i couldn't even keep water down.  finally last month i said i was scared i slipped my band and requested an upper GI.  i wasn't scared i slipped my band.  i was just scared and wanted to see my band on the screen.   due to summer vacation and other obligations i did not have the upper GI until this past friday.... the cute nurse told me it would take "15 minutes"....4 hours later we were all still staring at the screen waiting for the thick barium swallow to go down.  it was just sitting there in my esophagus.  something was not right.   yesterday i saw the doctor.   "maladaptive eating behavior"...."esophageal dilatation"..."slight stomach dilatation"..."an impressive upper gi to say the least" the doctor said.  i basically created a second pouch in my esophagus.  so when i was not throwing up, i was storing food.  so 6 of my 11ccs came out.  gone.  for a month.  i'm scared.  

fortunately no slip.  no erosion.  everything should go back to normal in a month and we will slowly add about 4-5 ccs back in.  

the doctor told me that the next month will be tough without restriction...but "do the best you can and we will get you back to where you want to be".... oooooooooh.  i like a challenge.   so basically Mr. Doctor you are saying i will gain weight this month.   oh, fuck you.  no i will not.   i will show you.   i always have to be right.  and right i will be....

this fear has motivated me.   since yesterday i have logged all my food.  drank more than enough water (because i have no restriction....).  i even biked 4 miles two nights in a row.  i lost 180 pounds without exercising a lick and now i am scared for my life and exercising.  or least the last two nights i have exercised.

and i have blogged.   don't fuck with me, you stupid lapband.   i will win.  i always win.

here is a pic of me, Love and Princess....

Karma is a bitch....

This one is going to be hard....

I have spent a lot of time working on my issues....my fear of not being perfect and fucking up. All this work got me to a place where I am at least aware of my fear....but to say I conquered it would be an out and out lie.

I am struggling. In life. Five words there. But so hard for ME to say.

I blame karma. Of course I blame karma because I can't break through that mental barrier and blame myself....

When was in high school I had a "best friend". We used to lay in my bed and hold our legs in the air and compare them. I may have been fat, but I had nice legs....and I made sure to tell her all the time that my legs were better than her. So a few years ago when I developed a hyper-pigmentation on my shins that makes me look bruised up all the time....I thought back to those insignificant nights in the late 1980s and thought that karma had bitten me on the ass. Weird and irrational. I know. Buy that is how my mind works.

Fast forward to some time in the last year or so.... I was at support group and a woman who was two years out from surgery and still very very large (but had already lost over 100 pounds) said she was frustrated because she only lost 10 pounds (up and down) in her second year. I thought at the time, and may have blogged these thoughts --- can't find them --- that I would DIE if I didn't finish this thing up in my second year....now my second year is coming go a close in About a week and I have only lost 20 pounds this year. I know...blah blah blah...I didn't gain, a loss is still closer to my goal....but I have to wonder if karma did not come in and teach me a very shitty lesson about being judgmental and thinking I a so god damn perfect.

And know for what I have been avoiding....plastic surgery did not go as "perfectly" as planned. I had my arms and breasts lifted on September 29th. For one, I was not totally prepared on how limited I would be the first couple weeks and dependent on other people. In order to minimize my scar, he cut in my armpit and pull everything tight into that. My arms are healing nicely. Once I am completely healed he will do some laser to tighten my arms some more. The problem is my left breast. When you have a breast lift they remove your nipple and reattached it higher. I had a breast lift and minor reduction. The shape of my greats are amazing and all the nurses say it actually looks like implants. When the swelling goes down I will be a firm and perky D cup as opposed to F or G. Like I said, the form is nice.

The complication came with my left nipple and areola. With this surgery there is a 1% chance of a complication of the blood supply not going to your areola and nipple which could cause it to "die" and that is what happened to me. So one week after my initial surgery I had to have "emergency" surgery to remove my dying areola and nippple and replace them Along with a skin graft around them. This was to restart the blood supply under them. The good news is that it was a success. The difficult news is that it looks very scary and until it is completely healed I do not know about the nipple. They surgeon says it should be ok but until the layer of protective skin finishes healing off I won't see it and that is difficult. And once again I worry that karma once again bit me on the ass because i was so silly and boastful on how I was going to have a "banging" body. I have definitely been humbled by this experience.

In typical perfectheidi fashion I was going to wait until I was completely healed to report on my fabulous arms and breasts but that would only feed into my sickness. This is hard. I cry often. Worried that I will be deformed and not have a nipple. I am a femme lesbian for crying out loud....who am I if I don't have my boobs? Lol.

I am not sure I can write anymore right now. This post has emotionally exhausted me.

Holy Shit

Cleaning out a closet and came across these.   The size of them is even more dramatic in person.   And they are "only" a 26/28.  I definitely was bigger at some point.

 

A perfect reality check for me....

 

(pictures courtesy of the princess...who is not understanding why i would have fat person pants in the closet....)