is this thing on?

so....how do you start a post after almost two years of avoiding blogging?   an apology?   an excuse?  a lie?

it is not lost on me that during the EXACT time that i was not blogging i gained weight.

my "new" dream job two and half years ago turned into a nightmare that i am still living.   i walked into a toxic dysfunctional environment and was expected to fix it and thrive in it at the same time.   no support from about.  maliciousness from below.   they were digging into my "past" to get me fired.   ("they" are all gone now, btw) and i was scared shitless somehow they would find this blog.   now i don't care.  i mean i care...but i am not going to be held prisoner by these people.  the place is still toxic, unfriendly and dysfunctional.   now it is no longer a dream job but merely a paycheck and a stop on the career path.  sad.

the former girlfriend who was previously referred to as "The One Who Got Away" (TOWGA) is now my partner/girlfriend/whatever we call ourselves.  i will now refer to her as Love.  our lives are completely melded.  we are raising the Princess as a co-parents.   it is nice.  like anything it has its challenges but we are committed.  and this has kept me distracted and busy.

so...you put together a bad job situation with a "new" relationship....and all caution got thrown to the wind.... size 12s turned into 14s turned into 16s and there are actually a couple 18s hanging in the closet.  all the weight gain is in my stomach and thighs.   since the boob job and because my shoulders and collar bone present fabulously....i can pretend that i am not that fat by looking in the mirror from mid-boob up.  i am very good at that, by the way.

and now...here i am.  sitting here at 223 pounds.  i used to weigh 193.   then i went all the way up to 239 and a few months ago said enough is enough and went back into see my lapband doctor after avoiding that for almost a year.    weighing in at a whopping 239.   i got a fill.   but something was not right.   i lost 10 pounds the first month post fill but then only 4 pounds.   i was tight.   oh yeah.  i was tight. but aren't we supposed to be tight?   sometimes i couldn't even keep water down.  finally last month i said i was scared i slipped my band and requested an upper GI.  i wasn't scared i slipped my band.  i was just scared and wanted to see my band on the screen.   due to summer vacation and other obligations i did not have the upper GI until this past friday.... the cute nurse told me it would take "15 minutes"....4 hours later we were all still staring at the screen waiting for the thick barium swallow to go down.  it was just sitting there in my esophagus.  something was not right.   yesterday i saw the doctor.   "maladaptive eating behavior"...."esophageal dilatation"..."slight stomach dilatation"..."an impressive upper gi to say the least" the doctor said.  i basically created a second pouch in my esophagus.  so when i was not throwing up, i was storing food.  so 6 of my 11ccs came out.  gone.  for a month.  i'm scared.  

fortunately no slip.  no erosion.  everything should go back to normal in a month and we will slowly add about 4-5 ccs back in.  

the doctor told me that the next month will be tough without restriction...but "do the best you can and we will get you back to where you want to be".... oooooooooh.  i like a challenge.   so basically Mr. Doctor you are saying i will gain weight this month.   oh, fuck you.  no i will not.   i will show you.   i always have to be right.  and right i will be....

this fear has motivated me.   since yesterday i have logged all my food.  drank more than enough water (because i have no restriction....).  i even biked 4 miles two nights in a row.  i lost 180 pounds without exercising a lick and now i am scared for my life and exercising.  or least the last two nights i have exercised.

and i have blogged.   don't fuck with me, you stupid lapband.   i will win.  i always win.

here is a pic of me, Love and Princess....