refelction and looking ahead....my word...

i have been tasked with working on a gratitude list to get me over the i have failed crap swimming around in my head.    i am not good with gratitude.   it is not like i am doom and gloom --- instead i think "why should i be grateful for a good job? i worked my ass off for it...."  i am not good at appreciating the little things.

so....to get myself in the right mindset i went back and re-read my blog from jan 1 to yesterday.  well, one thing i can say is....this is my first time being committed to journaling in my life.  years and years of starting a hello kitty journal from the time i was a wee one and even in college never made it past the first week.  i think it is now i really have something to say/feel authentically. 

so here is my list:

in 2010 i am grateful for....

my support group...it was clear in reading my blog that it was pivotal to my journey in the beginning of the year.

my therapist....she is the first one to really drill down to my issues and not treat me as someone who "just needs to lose weight and all will be perfect".  she calls me on my shit and does not let me get away with it.

the continued, but healthier, relationship with my parents. 

improvements at work that are a result of my own hard work and commitment to bettering myself.   this proves to me that i can make a difference in my behavior and the perception people have of me.

travel worries are gone.  my job requires a lot of car and occasional air travel.  i am grateful that these are no brainers in my life now with the recent 115 pounds gone. 

i am grateful for the overall energy i have now because it is allowing me to parent my child better.... reading back through my blog i was reminded of all the things that i did with her that i just couldn't make myself do before....going on waterslides, snorkeling, the 10 days in the keys, going to washington dc on a whim with the princess, spending all day at the mall, volunteering in her classroom.  just being present in her life and not worried all the time that i am going to die.

my health.  no diabetes.  no nagging worries of a heart attack.   the pain is gone.   now my legs hurt at the end of the day because i ran into the mall in beach flip flops for "one thing" and ended up walking around on the hard tile for 6 hours without realizing it. 

my authentic self.  i am happier.  i am so grateful that i did all the hard work to uncover my authentic self.  i really am pleased with who i found.   she is definitely someone i can live with for the rest of my life and not feel the need to cover her up with an excess 200 pounds of unhealthiness.

so.... with that in mind i have decided on my word for 2011.  in 2010 my word was "believe".   i liked it.   my motto was: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"....  i liked them both.   they served me well.  belief in myself got me through this.  my over confidence really kept me afloat for much of the year.   the butterfly motif and the motto focused me at random moments about my journey.  by default my symbol became the butterfly.

my word for 2011 is life/live.   i am committed to living more. not being so much on a one-track journey but really getting out there and living the life i have not lived.   sure, maybe a little living la vida loca....but really a more purposeful life.  i have started to take some steps towards that recently, and hope to share them here when the time is right and as we go through the year.  

my motto for 2011 is "It's time to start living the life you've imagined" by Henry James.  or the similar one by Henry David Thoreau "I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

my symbol is the tree of life.   and in honor of the new year and new mantras i have changed up my blog a wee bit to reflect this.  i actually made 4 different header and i am not sure which one i like best yet.  i am going to go with this one for now.... but i reserve the right to break my own rule and to change my blog again....lol....

happy new year to all....