time for some kind of change...

i am in a funk.   not a depression funk.  (i did all my routine self checks for that).  this funk is more global.   it is a lack of fulfillment in my soul.   i was supposed to see my therapist today for my regular appointment but she is sick so i won't see her until thursday.    i was hoping i would go in today and she would say "pish posh, what you are experiencing is right on target for someone 13 months and 4 days out of surgery".   lol.

i have a feeling of emptiness inside.  a feeling of discontentment.   a feeling of unrest.   not sure if any of these words properlyy describe what i feel, but it is the closest i can come to describing what i feel.   all i know is i want change.    global change.   the problem is, i can not pinpoint where this change needs to come from.   and because i am a go-getter, a do-er, a make-it-happen-er....that is driving me crazy.   

i have this strong desire to leave.  move.  startover.  my life here was fine for someone who what dying on the inside both physically because of the weight and emotionally (because of the weight).   i think it is very cavalier to say that *I* (generic/collective *I*) will be the same person after *I* lose weight.   now that i am on the home stretch, i can tell you i am not sure if i am the same person. 

same ol, same ol is not good enough anymore.    status quo freaks me out.   discontent comes to mind, again.   i need....something....i just don't know what.   a career change?  perhaps.  i have put my resume out there for a couple specific "dream jobs" that have come open in my current field.  but i wonder sometimes if this is the wrong field for me.  i always wanted to be a librarian.  but it is more than that now.  i want to help people.   i have to be a change igniter in others.    a location change?  i don't know.  this one is harder.   on one side of the proverbial piece of paper i have a desire to move.   go somewhere with more culture.  a little smaller.   more liberal.  more something.   on the other side of that sheet of paper is living in close proximity to my parents and the welfare of my daughter growing up close to them.    a social change?  perhaps.  i know that some of my real life friends can read this. but i need to put this out there....the truth is, i am just not satisfied socially anymore.   i don't mean that there are not enough opportunities for me to dance on a bar.  it is something else.   my soul is not getting nourished socially anymore.  i want more.  but more of what?  i don't know.   it is not good enough for me right now for someone to be "present" or "not ______"....i am looking at them, searching for what they are.  i want more out of everyone and i know that is not a realistic expectation.   familiarity is no longer comfortable and satisfying for me.   i am a true virgo.  i rather have one true close friend than know everyone at a party.  

a big part of my therapy work this past year has been getting me to live outside my comfort zone.   because as My Therapist astutely pointed out in the beginning...where did that comfort zone get ya?   373 is my answer.   so whenever i found myself wailing "this feels so uncomfortable to me" she would push me to stay there and work from that point.   i think i have done a phenomenal job of that so far.   now i can identify being outside my comfort zone when it happens and i can personally push myself to stay there.    so....i know a lot of what i am feeling right now is uncomfortable and that is why i am trying to identify where it is coming from so i can deal with it.  i just don't know.

i know what i have written thus far sounds emotional....but i am not sad.  i am eager.  i am expectant.  i am waiting with baited breath for whatever this next change is going to be.....i just wish i knew where the change was coming from.

i am torn at times about my spot here when it relates back to weight loss.  on one hand, i am an attention seeking whore and i enjoy the compliments to when people notice the change in my physical self.   but on the other hand....and this other hand is getting stronger and stronger every day...i want to move on from my former fat self and want others to do so too.   i don't want to arrive somewhere and have people comment on my physical appearance  -- i notice they do not say that to anyone else.   ask me about the book i just read -- i am dying to talk about it with someone.   ask me what i think of Obama.   i have a lot of opinions on him.   ask me what the best way to hard boil an egg.   i love to cook.   i have worked my ass off this past year to shed not only physical pounds but also the mental pounds to longer see myself as content as fat.  i think all this hard word deserves to be recognized by not being treated like the "fat friend".   i don't want for friends to think it is "ok" to talk about how much weight i have lost to people who did not know me "when".   it is my past.   my personal past.  and i would like to gain some control in who has access to that past.   and sometimes i think the only way to gain control is to run away.  start over.   cut ties.    i am just not sure if it means small adjustments to my existing daily life here or a fresh start somewhere else.

i am bored with my life here.  not sure if it is boredom or if it is something more.   it could be that the life i have made for myself no longer serves the same purpose for me. in fact, i think that is the answer my therapist is going to give me.   and that freaks me out a little.   what if my life, the one i have made for myself to be comfortable in, is not mine afterall?  

and it is that last line that brings me back to how i feel....empty.  discontent.  unrest.  unsatisfied. uncomfortable.