Happy UnBandiversary to Me!

that's right....i am un-celebrating my "band"iversary....because, really, it fucked me up royally.   i have been feeling *stuck* the last couple months.   stuck on the scale, stuck emotionally, stuck on this so-called journey.    the only thing that has not been stuck is what i am figuring out to slide down my band, lol. 

so today at therapy i was processing this feeling of being stuck in life and having the obligatory "what if i never lose anymore weight" coupled with a few "i don't even know who i am anymore" meltdown when we finally figured out that this angst is all stemming from some strange association i have in my mind with november 9th being my "one year bandiversary" and somehow that signifies that i should be at goal.   which, i know, is totally impossible since i needed to lose at least 150 pounds on surgery day.  but this irrational association has caused me to subconsciously call up some old thoughts and behaviors.   and these thoughts and behaviors have resulted in nothing less than self-sabotage.   see...heidi, you failed.  you fucking failed and now i am going to make sure of it.

the fact is:  i need to undo november 9, 2010 and assign new meaning to it.   i am going to work this week on a list of all that i *did* accomplish in a year....and recognize that my goal weight was never a realistic accomplishment.  

i also need to continue to treat my weight loss and this journey as a path of recovery from addiction....which i have not since november 9th.   i have been emotionally flailing around and unsteady.  and really, what addict to drugs makes it to one year of sobriety and stops talking to their sponsor, going to meetings, etc????   who wakes up on their one year anniversary from any recovery and says "i've been healed!"....duh, heidi.  (ps.  i think one sign of not achieving recovery is that you can not spell sobriety without spellcheck...)

my accountability to my "sobriety" has been my monthly surgeon appointments, support group and therapy.   at my november 9th appointment my surgeon gave *me* the option to keep coming back monthly, go to every 3 months or just come in when i want.   i thought i was in a good place and thought i would come back every 3 months.   but today i realized that i need that monthly accountability.  i am not healed from a lifetime of emotional eating and obesity.   and that monthly appointment keeps this in the forefront. i am not done.  i am nowhere near "done" and this obesity and all the underlying issues associated with it will not just go away because the night turned into day.  

my attendance at support group has sucked and that really has been out of my control.    well...mostly out of my control.  next week i will assert some control and *choose* not to go to my straight book club and instead to support group.   even though next week's leader bugs me.  lol.    after that, until the end of march, i will be taking a class on support group night.  i need to take this class and i am choosing to do it now.   i am hoping the gods will look upon me favorably and open up a seat in the thursday night class between now and january 10th.   but if not, i am hoping the new social network will serve some support purpose for me.  also, today i got a text from a woman at group.  that made me think....i need to be better at making personal connections with people at group and accepting their personal connections. 

so...happy unBandiversary to me........