re-entering the blog world

so last night i saw the only friend that gave me a less than enthusiastic reception when i told her i had surgery back in november.    her response was something along the lines of "yeah, i thought about doing it the easy way but me and my husband just signed up for weight watchers again".   ok.  maybe the "again" was added by me, but it is true.  lol.   anyhoo...let's just say that her mouth dropped to the floor when she saw me last night.    she also proceeded to tell me that she had gone to surgery seminars before and now she wanted my doctor's number.   so, being the good band ambassador that i am, i told her i would go to my surgeon's seminar with her when she is ready.  she also brought up concerns about missing pizza and hanging skin.   sure, they are valid concerns we all have in the beginning BUT i think i can say with confidence now that those are really just self-created roadblocks to stop ourselves from losing weight.

this all went down at my "straight book club".   and while we were talking someone else chimed in that she everyone she knows who had the band only gets to "pleasantly chubby" and never skinny.  gee thanks.

things are going well from a band perspective.   moving right along with my weight-loss.   this thursday is my 7 month check-up so i will know my weight then.   i got my restriction back and really, this is just a regular part of life for me now.

i have been staying very active.  did a 11 mile bike ride recently on my new bike.  lots of outdoor activities.   this past weekend was Gay Days at Disney and i really enjoyed myself with my daughter and a good friend.   here is a picture of me and the princess. 

i feel somewhat obligated to explain my absence from blogging.   while it has not been deliberate, per se, there are reasons.  

one reason is that i was starting to feel a little too exposed with people i know in real life.   i don't mind that they are reading this, and i certainly don't mind their comments here or in personal emails to me regarding what they read here.  but there were a couple instances where the contents of a recent blog were discussed in front of people who are neither privy to my blog nor did i really know enough at all to discuss the surgery with.   and you know, i have been very open about the surgery.  but it really put me in an uncomfortable position to literally be standing around in a group where i really know some people and don't know others AT ALL and have someone ask in front of the group about something i just blogged about.   i wanted to just blend into that crowd as a normal person who is so fucking close to being normal sized.

another reason for my lack of blogging is all the work i am doing in therapy.   some of it is mind blowing stuff that is really helping me evolve quite quickly into a better person.    so because of the exposure i felt above, i really didn't feel comfortable knowing that one day i could be standing in a crowd and someone could say "so...that was kind of interesting how your therapist said you were a blankity blank..."  and, i also just don't feel like sharing some of it right now with blogging community either.    interestingly enough, this reason not to blog is a systematic of something greater in my healing process and that is my usual way of seeing things of all or nothing.   never in the middle.  so after talking last week in therapy about it, i realized i did not have to stop blogging completely, i could just change the focus of what i blog about.  because i really do miss blogging.

and that brings me another reason why i stopped blogging... i am at this point, 7 months out, where i just want to to "normal".   i don't want to make a big deal out of wearing size 16 old navy skirts.   i don't want everything i do for the rest of my life to be a comparison to my former life.  i just want to move forward.  i know that does not sound too mentally healthy... and i am aware of that...but i am just not at the point where i want to look back and realize that maybe i wasn't that perfectly adjusted fat person after all.    it is hard enough rethinking my relationships with my parents, friends, lovers, co-workers and even strangers on the street...i can't, i mean CAN'T, everyday redefine my image of who i was compared to who i am today.  that is too painful and not something i am up for or care to do at this point.

and finally, i just found myself spending too much time living vicariously through the blogs, when i realized that there are so many things i rather be doing in real life.   i want to spend more time outdoors.  i want to catch up on reading.  i want to date again.   i want to live life.   every moment of my life.  and not zone out in front of the computer night after night.

so i am going to recommit to my blog.   i still want to record my journey.  i still want to be helpful to others who come across my blog.   but i am not sure how much i can participate in the community as a whole.   my focus on my blogging activities will now be more of a journal as opposed to a community.  it is not aimed at anyone.  so please understand if i don't visit too many other blogs right now.  i need to stay "inside" myself and stop looking "outside" for thoughts/entertainment/validation.  it is a major part of my personal journey and evolution.