who i was, am and will be.....

there are two blog posts swirling around in my lil ole head screaming to be released.... this will be the first of two....

my thoughts on being a mom.   a lesbian mom, to be more specific.  a lot of these thoughts came to me this weekend as i attended a birthday party for a classmate of the princess, ran around town getting us organized with food and supplies for my week of recovery from surgery and spent all day yesterday at three different annual check-ups for the princess.  

let me say this first...being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be.  the steps i took to become a mother were calculated.    i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother.

with that being said...being a mom is probably the most isolating experience in my life.   specifically, being a non-partnered lesbian mom.   as a lesbian i am different from most other lesbians who choose not to be parents.   as a non-partnered lesbian mom i am different from most of the other lesbians who are raising a kid with a partner.   as a lesbian i am different from most of the other moms who are straight.  

to break these thoughts down further...

lesbian mom in non-parenting lesbian world....a lot of lesbians don't like kids.   they don't want kids around.  i can not tell you how many women have told me that they do not wish to date someone with kids because they "can not relate to kids".   i can't tell you how many women think they are complimenting me and the princess when they announce that "generally i do not like kids, but the princess is ok"....um, gee.  thanks, i think.  of course, this is a general statement that there are exceptions in my life to this.   but as a whole...the gay and lesbian world is not kid friendly.   

non-partnered lesbian mom...true story: i met a lesbian couple with a child at gay pride last year.  we had emailed before meeting face to face and talked about out kids getting together.  i happened to be walking around with a platonic friend and my kid when we met.    they assumed that my friend was the other mommy.   they said to their kid "look, kid, the princess has TWO MOMMIES too!"  the kid is about 10.   i said "actually, the princess has only one mommy...me".  "ooooh." was the response.  needless to say they never wanted to get together after that.   i have also watched in amusement over the last year them post on a social site and tell other people i know how they are so frustrated that they can not meet other professional lesbian moms.  i am a professional.  i have the letters behind my name, if you are someone that impresses.  i am just a singular mom and not plural.  i also watched in amusement at a pool party we all attended last year as they latched onto the trashy, dysfunctional NOT professional lesbian couple.   but, hey...they were momS with a capital S.   of all the friends and social acquaintances in my life....not one is a lesbian mom.  i tried to start a group.  it failed.   i would like lesbian mom friends.  not every other weekend lesbian moms with leftover teenage kids from a former straight life.  but fulltime lesbian moms raising young kids.   but even if i can not find that...i would love to meet lesbian moms.  period.  i read recently that 34% of jacksonville's gay community is parents.   inviting.

lesbian mommy -- not straight mommy....my mommy friends are straight.  and i would probably have more if i would put more effort into developing friendships and socializing at birthday parties, etc.  but i don't.  i don't know why...but i am very awkward and don't jump in with the other moms.  i think some of it is the demographic area i live in.   let me just say...bravo could do a whole series on the real mommie of boca raton.   so while, i say i am isolated...i know that some of this is my own doing when it comes to the straight mommies. 
with all this being said....being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be. i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother.   i just wanted to put out there how isolating at times my life can be.    i want to work harder at making friends that i have the kid connection with.  this will mean going outside my comfort zone.  ugh.   i like my comfort zone.   lol.   my lonely disney loving, jimmy buffet singing, mommy-centric comfort zone.

i think a lot of these thoughts have a lot to do with the uncovering of the authentic me.  i have a bigger blog post about the authentic me bursting to get out.   but not today.  maybe tomorrow.

here today...gone next friday...

saw the surgeon yesterday and i am going to have my gallbladder taken out next friday.   it will be performed by my bariatric surgeon and done laproscopiclly.   i will need to spend the night in the hospital and out of work for a week.   he wanted to do it on monday (a couple days) but it would be too rushed from a hospital scheduling standpoint -- and it is not an emergency...just urgent.

a gallbladder weighs 14 ounces....just sayin....

fortunately i have good insurance and the time/flexibility with work.   i actually just took initiative at work last week and offered to roll my sleeves up and fix another department and all those initial changes were supposed to be unveiled the week i will now be out.   but that is ok...they can wait a week.   but it does mean that most likely i will now work through most of the princess' spring break mid-March.  oh well.   Camp Grandma was chomping at the bit anyways for a week of spring break at her house....

the surgeon said i had a very bad attack and that i could choose to keep it in but that the likelihood of the attacks reoccurring and getting worse is a strong possibility.    i am a solo mom.  i travel the state during the day for work and travel a lot on weekends alone with my daughter.   the idea of this happening again --alone-- with the princess stresses me out.  

the other thing the hospital ultrasound discovered is that i have two well defined masses on my liver (hepatocellular adenoma).   the surgeon said that benign liver tumors are not uncommon in women my age and are often caused by birth control.   (even though i do not have sex with men, i do have mirena because i am in love with the idea of no periods for 5 years and it helps control my fibroids  -- and of course i will man up and take my period if it makes this problem go away) ...so after the gallbladder issue is behind me, he wants me to have an MRI and then he will refer me to a liver specialist.   i am a mom to a young girl -- so OF COURSE these are JUST some benign tumors that will go away...right?   the history of pancreatic and liver cancer in my family has no bearing whatsoever here.....

since the attack happened i have being feeling not well.  just a constant state of indigestion.   i can't even drink water right now without strange noises emitting from my stomach.  the surgeon confirmed that i was not too tight.   he told me he does not take fluid out before this type of surgery.  he may take a cc out during surgery but he will put it right back in.  

a call to the psychic hotline about my gallbladder....

soooooo....just got home from a visit to the emergency room. 

here is what went down on the medical front... i woke up at 1:30 with excruciating pain in my back.  it was bad.   but i thought i was twisted up and sleeping funny and once i straighten out it would go away.   it didn't.  and when i wasn't dying from the pain in my back i realized i had a lot of pain smack dab in the middle of my chest below my boobs....and it was radiating to the right.   the harder i breathed the worst the pain got.   i didn't know if i wanted to vomit, puke or fart.   so i sat in the toilet for a while.   i googled gallbladder from my phone and knew immediately what was going on.   eventually called my folks so they could come down (about 30 minutes) and one of them could take me to the ER and one of them could be here when the princess got up for school.     the ER quickly guessed it was my gallbladder too and some quick blood tests and an ultrasound later it was confirmed that i have "numerous" gallstones.   my liver function is fine and there is not obstruction so it did not require immediate surgery but i was discharged with directions to see my bariatric surgeon soon (he is also a general surgeon).   the ER doctor was amazing and even called my bariatric surgeon so that he is fully briefed when i see him tomorrow.  the ER doctor suggested that i will most likely have my gallbladder removed because of the amount of stones and the link between weight loss surgery and gallbladder problems.

here is what went down on the psychic hotline front.... first some back history....i have always had a strong familial intuition.   my mom too.  i would be away at college and leave class with this strange urge to talk to my grandfather.    once i left class to call him, my mom answered at his house and i asked "what is wrong with grandpa" and she said "let me call you back, the paramedics just got here".... my use of lsd only heightened my intuition.  twice i was out at the club tripping and went right to the airport first thing in the morning because of some strong urge to get back to florida and i had my mom's travel agent book me a ticket and would have her call my parents  to tell them i was on my way home and TWICE my dad met me at the airport and took me directly to the hospital to see my grandfather.   one of those times he was in a coma.   and he woke up when i got to his room to say "good-bye".   the stories go on and on.   my mom just reminded me of the time she was sitting on the sofa in the middle of the night and my grandfather called and said "you sound wide awake" and she said "i was waiting for you to call" and he said "i am ready to go to the hospital".  

so.....what does this have to do with my gallbladder?   here is last night's timeline:

1:30AM i wake up in pain spend an hour trying to go back to sleep not realizing how much pain i am in.
2:30AM my dad wakes up.  gets a drink of water and goes back to bed but can't fall asleep so at 3:30 he goes on the computer to do some work.
3:30AM i have the house phone in my hand and am about to call my parents.   the princess comes downstairs to my room and tells me she wants to see my mom.  i tell her to get in my bed and go back to sleep.  i decide not to call my parents yet.
3:35AM i send my mom an email to say "i don't feel good.  i think it is my gallbladder".
4:20AM my mom gets up.  thinks she is going to go back to sleep.
4:30AM i call my parents and tell them to come get me.  my dad is already dressed unconsciously, we now realize, waiting for my call.    dad takes me to ER and mom stays home with the princess who wakes up, unaware of her familial intuition leanings, and thinks that she got her wish to see her grandmother.

so....now i am home.   in pain.  but not as much pain as this morning thanks to the percocet.   and OF COURSE today i am supposed to see my therapist after many missed attempts.  thanks to Catherine's wise advice i immediately texted her when i left the ER to tell her i could not drive down but would love a phone appointment today and that is what we will do.  Thanks Catherine for suggesting that option.

so i will see the surgeon tomorrow at 4 and figure out the next steps from here.... always fun around here, i tell ya.... lol.

we are soooooo over....

sometime last week i was catching up on some DVR material...specifically Hoarders and Heavy.   at some point during this marathon i realized i may be a food hoarder.  

no, you will not find pizza crusts under my bed.   but if at that moment in time you opened my refrigerator you would see stacks of leftover boxes.  

it occurred to me that my leftovers were totally beyond the fact that i can only eat 1/2 cup of food...but more related to my need to hold onto food way past its usefulness and/or my desire for it.    i am also the type that when i have lived with someone in the past and they ate something in the fridge that i wanted later i would get upset. my mom is like that too.  my strong attachment to food and not letting go is definitely not healthy.  

so since having this revelation i have not brought any doggie bags into the house.   i eat what i can and everything else gets left in the restaurant or my companion will eat it.   and it has been soooooo freeing.   it is weird.   but for some reason letting go of saving food all the time has really hit the spot with me.

speaking of Heavy...i find it very interesting that in the past i could never watch shows like this or biggest loser.  i avoided them at all costs.  since losing weight and going through my emotional growth process i can get to a place where i watch them.... anyone else have that switch?

a simple search...

for the words "transfer addiction" produce the following:

very interesting stuff out there directly related to WLS.   and it makes total sense.

don't get me wrong...i don't think i am a full blown alcoholic....more like i saw the writing on the wall this morning....and am choosing to be more conscious of my drinking, who i hang out/drink with and figure out why i must always numb myself with *something*....

today i had the following thoughts:

thought #1  i am an amazing mother.   i am so-so with being a wannabe punkrock social rockstar.   i need to keep doing and prioritize what i am good at.  (thank god i am a lazy bitch and like to take the easy way out instead of finding new work for myself...because if i decided i needed to be better at being a wannabe punkrock social rockstar it might negate the amazing mother stuff.....lol)

thought #2   i have pretty much lost 180 pounds from my highest weight.   (assuming i am around 195 today and that even though i saw 373 on the scale once...most like i weighed more than that...) and that i need to go beyond appreciating the fact that i have lost a full grown overweight woman but that there is no way in hell i am going to be able to handle things either a. like i used to or b. perfectly....

thought #3 this is soooooooooo fucking hard.  all of it.   

thought #4 i hope the store justice goes bankrupt.  the princess decided to spend her birthday money and justice gift cards today.  she is only SIX!   i can not handle that store for 6,7,8 more years.  

due to schedules, circumstance and emergencies i have not seen my therapist since mid-december.   i am supposed to see her this thursday.    i feel so out of control with my functionality lately...

You can't make this shit up....

Going home from disney.... got pulled from a brake light being out.    Just a warning.  

saying it out loud.....

i think know that I am drinking too much lately.

Putting it out there....last weekend drank from 9pm Saturday until 4pm sunday....had a hard liquor drink alone at bedtime tuesday night....got drunk thursday night....drunk texted thursday night....thought about drinking all day friday...drank 4, maybe 5, glasses of wine last night and two shots of sex on the beach....

The likelihood of a transfer addiction is not lost on me....I am officially going dry. And if I can't, I will be seeking specific help.