Going home from disney.... got pulled from a brake light being out. Just a warning.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
saying it out loud.....
i think know that I am drinking too much lately.
Putting it out there....last weekend drank from 9pm Saturday until 4pm sunday....had a hard liquor drink alone at bedtime tuesday night....got drunk thursday night....drunk texted thursday night....thought about drinking all day friday...drank 4, maybe 5, glasses of wine last night and two shots of sex on the beach....
The likelihood of a transfer addiction is not lost on me....I am officially going dry. And if I can't, I will be seeking specific help.
Putting it out there....last weekend drank from 9pm Saturday until 4pm sunday....had a hard liquor drink alone at bedtime tuesday night....got drunk thursday night....drunk texted thursday night....thought about drinking all day friday...drank 4, maybe 5, glasses of wine last night and two shots of sex on the beach....
The likelihood of a transfer addiction is not lost on me....I am officially going dry. And if I can't, I will be seeking specific help.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Aloha
From Disney's Polynesian resort. Breakfast with Lilo and Stitch. (since it is a fixed price menu the manager has agreed to let me pay the kid rate! Yay!)
Not the best start to our disney day....
Oh well ..... but my cute kid got us down to the minimum fine....
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
i no longer "used to weigh 373 pounds"...
so...true to my "word" for 2011, i have been busy living life.... and in the midst of living life, there has been a major shift in my axis...
i have been "hanging out" (very proud that i am not getting tangled up in relationship crap and staying true to my intentions to "just have fun") with the 24 year old a lot and never once have i mentioned weight loss, surgery, therapy or anything that has happened since november 2009 and now. and even bigger is the fact that i don't feel like i am hiding anything or feel uncomfortable, like i did in my dating attempts a few months ago. we have even been out to eat and when i barely ate anything she did make a joke but i had no desire what-so-ever to tell her why. i know i have been out with other bandsters and they have always commiserated that people always comment on how little they eat -- well i discovered that people apparently say that whether they know "why" or not....lol.
now, i know if we keep "hanging out" it will eventually come up. (through a social group she could stumble across fat pictures of me). and i have thought of what i would say and i actually caught myself thinking i would say that "i have lost weight"...and then i occurred to me that my first thought was NOT "i used to weigh 373 pounds".
the most important thing for me to say about this is...none of these thoughts come from shame ... but really from a point of walking away from the past...letting go...disassociating myself from who i was to who i am now in this moment in time.
i actually keep forgetting my fat past and can honestly say that i feel "normal" -- like my cousin said to me in january when i saw her: "you are now just like every other suburban mom staring down the barrel of a 40 year old gun...you should go to the gym more, lose 25 pounds and would love a tummy tuck"....
the other major axis shift going on is i actually see the true me in the mirror. i am no longer depending on pictures to see the changes. something in the last couple weeks has either changed in my mind that i actually have to stop myself in front of mirrors and stand in amazement at my profile. even standing naked -- i have been able to see past the skin and my stomach apron and see a very slender silhouette emerging. craaaaaaazy. i can see what everyone else has been telling me. and i am proud and in love with what i see.
i have been "hanging out" (very proud that i am not getting tangled up in relationship crap and staying true to my intentions to "just have fun") with the 24 year old a lot and never once have i mentioned weight loss, surgery, therapy or anything that has happened since november 2009 and now. and even bigger is the fact that i don't feel like i am hiding anything or feel uncomfortable, like i did in my dating attempts a few months ago. we have even been out to eat and when i barely ate anything she did make a joke but i had no desire what-so-ever to tell her why. i know i have been out with other bandsters and they have always commiserated that people always comment on how little they eat -- well i discovered that people apparently say that whether they know "why" or not....lol.
now, i know if we keep "hanging out" it will eventually come up. (through a social group she could stumble across fat pictures of me). and i have thought of what i would say and i actually caught myself thinking i would say that "i have lost weight"...and then i occurred to me that my first thought was NOT "i used to weigh 373 pounds".
the most important thing for me to say about this is...none of these thoughts come from shame ... but really from a point of walking away from the past...letting go...disassociating myself from who i was to who i am now in this moment in time.
i actually keep forgetting my fat past and can honestly say that i feel "normal" -- like my cousin said to me in january when i saw her: "you are now just like every other suburban mom staring down the barrel of a 40 year old gun...you should go to the gym more, lose 25 pounds and would love a tummy tuck"....
the other major axis shift going on is i actually see the true me in the mirror. i am no longer depending on pictures to see the changes. something in the last couple weeks has either changed in my mind that i actually have to stop myself in front of mirrors and stand in amazement at my profile. even standing naked -- i have been able to see past the skin and my stomach apron and see a very slender silhouette emerging. craaaaaaazy. i can see what everyone else has been telling me. and i am proud and in love with what i see.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
living somewhere between 196.5 and 202....
so today was my "official" weigh-in day at the surgeon's.... a month ago i set a goal for myself to weigh 198 by today.
because i do not weigh myself at home during the month this is usually a big surprise. i hate surprises. hate them. well... i love surprise parties. what i really hate is being caught off guard by something i may need to emotional fortify myself for...like stepping on the scale.
so....this morning on the way to work i stopped off at Publix (our grocery chain) and stepped on the public scale. it said 198! so i drove to work knowing today's weigh-in will be "ok". i put out of my mind those pesky comments from my therapist about how i should NOT be jumping on the Publix scale because everyone and their mother is on it all day and it can not be accurate and her general feelings about food issues and weighing yourself at the grocery store.
went to work and popped out at 9:30 for my doctor's appointment...stepped on the scale. saw it tally up...167, 184...202 is where it landed. a six pound loss this month which is good. not making my own self-created ambitious goal which is still "ok".
but it was kind of bugging me.... did i meet my goal or not? so i decided on the way back to the office to stop off at a different Publix which was along the way and weigh myself and i would decide then what to think. well....now i am in a pickle...because it did NOT say 198. it did NOT say 202. but it DID say 196.5. LOL. (and, yes, i took a picture of this)... so who knows what i weigh. i will keep with 202 for purposes of tracking on my blog here. but i will also go to bed tonight knowing that by the princess' 6th birthday next week i will sooooooooooooo weigh under 200 pounds. and definitely by my next weigh-in March 3rd
i sent my mom the pic from the scale. she is so excited. i am too.
here is what i do know...i look thinner. i look at myself from the side and i see a really thin person (as long as the skin is tucked in). yesterday i was wearing a big flowy shirt and i still felt thin when i looked in the mirror. also, i was looking at the lane bryant mailing that came in the mail and i could not relate to the size of the models. remember when we used to always complain that the models looked to skinny to shop at lane bryant? now they look to fat to be modeling stuff i would wear. weird. i feel AMAZING. and i weigh less than i did in high school. and by high school i mean probably junior year of high school.
because i do not weigh myself at home during the month this is usually a big surprise. i hate surprises. hate them. well... i love surprise parties. what i really hate is being caught off guard by something i may need to emotional fortify myself for...like stepping on the scale.
so....this morning on the way to work i stopped off at Publix (our grocery chain) and stepped on the public scale. it said 198! so i drove to work knowing today's weigh-in will be "ok". i put out of my mind those pesky comments from my therapist about how i should NOT be jumping on the Publix scale because everyone and their mother is on it all day and it can not be accurate and her general feelings about food issues and weighing yourself at the grocery store.
went to work and popped out at 9:30 for my doctor's appointment...stepped on the scale. saw it tally up...167, 184...202 is where it landed. a six pound loss this month which is good. not making my own self-created ambitious goal which is still "ok".
i sent my mom the pic from the scale. she is so excited. i am too.
here is what i do know...i look thinner. i look at myself from the side and i see a really thin person (as long as the skin is tucked in). yesterday i was wearing a big flowy shirt and i still felt thin when i looked in the mirror. also, i was looking at the lane bryant mailing that came in the mail and i could not relate to the size of the models. remember when we used to always complain that the models looked to skinny to shop at lane bryant? now they look to fat to be modeling stuff i would wear. weird. i feel AMAZING. and i weigh less than i did in high school. and by high school i mean probably junior year of high school.
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