when the fantasy is killed by reality....

so.... i have spent the last year and half getting healthy.     two years ago a relationship ended.  she was *supposed* to be "the one" and has been in my heart all this time as The One Who Got Away™ (TOWGA™).    she is the only woman i have dated/met in the last 10 years or so that has been "on my level".  she works in city government management.   she is mature.  beautiful.   nice.  smart.  when the princess was 3 years old the princess was the back seat of the car one day when the 3 of us went out and the princess said "mommy, is TOWGA™ your *other person*?"   even the princess understood our connection.   but she got away.    both of our hearts broke.  but we just could not get it right.   according to her i had too many walls up (hello, 200 pounds of extra weight). 

i have thought about her many many many times over the last 2 years --- and more specifically since my surgery.   wondering "what if".... there was sporadic communication.   she made it clear she was with someone.

so.....when i got my new job i wanted to tell her first.   she, of all people, would understand the monumental career shift for me to not only take the next step in my career...but in a gay city.   so....i emailed her.   and that started a 3 week friendly, but reserved email communication....until...until... i got the drunken email confession.    there have been more confessions since then.  from both of us.   she is going through some stuff right now and i really want to get out of this 197-201 mindfuck.   so we agreed to keep it platonic and limit communication to email right now.      but we both wanted to keep communication open and going while we both work on our own shit.

in the course of the communication i have come to the realization that while i have spent the last 18 months improving my life and getting healthy she has, in a proverbial sense, done the exact opposite.   some bad choices and unhealthy events.  

and it breaks my heart.   because the more we get reacquainted the more i realize that my new consciousness about myself and awareness of codependents and the damage they can cause in my addiction process.... the more i realize that we can never be together.   i don't want to talk to much about what is going in her life (you know, because lord knows who is reading this....)  but i know in my heart of hearts that barring some intense healing for her over a very long time that we can never ever ever be together.  

she told me she loves me.   i know i have always loved her.   and i can't let her in.  i can't let her unhealthy behavior in my heart because i can not let it lead to me sabotaging my life.

part of me typing this out tonight is to "tell on" myself.   to hold myself accountable.  so when i come back here one day and say that we are back together there will be someone who will tell me to run in the other direction.  because really, i need to run.  but i am scared i won't. 

when the fantasy is not reality....it really really really really fucking sucks.