so....one of the big issues that has identified for me in regards to my bingeing/food addiction/food obsession/food hoarding/whatever you want to call it and what i have been doing this past week NONSTOP is that it stems from some control/perfectionist issues.... my underlining enmeshment issues with my parents and my fear of not being the perfect daughter and wanting to please them above myself all the time.
i can tell you that on an intellectual level i understand this...i have accepted it...but i have not perfected (ha!) the art of filtering my control/perfectionist issues. which brings us to today's emotional exchange with my daughter today....
we are in the car at a red light after i pick her up from school. i look in her book bag and see a math test with "minus 3" on it.
me: i know you know your math (it is basic counting and math) you need to slow down and not rush through your work.
the princess: i do go slow.
me: then maybe you should go back and check your answers before you turn in your work.
princess: the tears start flowing.... i did go slow!!!!
me: stop crying?
princess: you go to school to learn. that is what my teacher tells me.
me: i know, princess. but you know this easy math.
princess: crying...making mistakes is part of learning MOMMY! i go to school to learn and make mistakes, MOMMY!
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OMG. OMG. OMG. probably one of the lowest points in my parenting thus far. my five year old gets what it takes me $50 a week in therapy to learn -- and i am not even to the point of getting it.
i feel like total shit. i feel like i am creating a child who is growing up to not be allowed to make mistakes. a child who is not allowed to show emotion. a child like me. a child who will grow up unable to cope with mistakes without addiction. a child like me.
my intellectual side is grateful that i am aware enough today in the car to stop and hear her when she says that making mistakes is ok. because of my awareness of my issues i was able to recognize what she was saying and not tell her that it is not ok to make mistakes.... but my emotional side is fucked up tonight. it scares me how deep my issues not only run, but run over too.
it scares me how i lack coping skills. as i sit here typing i am in physical pain from bingeing while i was blogging and just want to literally throw up. ugh.
I have very similar food/head issues and continue to work through it with my therapist. The fact that you reconized what you were doing is a huge step. This is why you will stop the cycle of addiction, or obsession and perfection. You are doing a wonderful job!
ReplyDeleteOne of the hardest parts of being a parent is the knowledge that your kids inherit both the best and the worst of you. I know I see my kids making the mistakes I make and even going down paths that I deeply regret going down myself. All we can do is our best. All we can do is love them and guide them as best we know how and hope we don't mess them up too badly.
ReplyDeleteThe amazing thing is that since every person is different, the way you reacted to something is not the way your daughter will. And clearly you are much more aware of the issue than your own parents were.
The adversity we face in life is a huge part of who we are. I know you want to shield your daughter from the pain you experienced, but even if you could, I don't know that you should.
You are a great mom and you are aware of your failings. I know you are doing your best.
Holy cow. That is one wise little girl you have.
ReplyDeleteI'm a total perfectionist too. It's hard to see the forest from the trees sometimes (or all the time!).
You seem like an awesome mom to me!!!