feelings...

woh, woh, woh feeeeeeeelings.

they fucking suck.

having never really experienced or felt what i am going through in the past due to my wittle food addiction issue...i am just not used to feeling things.   talking about my feelings.  or even admitting i have them.   well, apparently there is a reason for this.  my parents, namely my mother, aren't too keen on expressing feelings.   as i have been going through this journey, i have come to realize that she is quick to shut down any expression of feeling.   and when you are used to just numbing your feelings with food and don't have the physical means to do it anymore...well... it fucking sucks. 

she just called to see how the first day of kindergarten drop off went.    school starts at 8AM and my main office is about 30 minutes away from the school.  because i am my kid's only parent when it comes to getting her to school, etc. and the school does not have a before-care program -- i need to get her there early most days.  i do have some flexibility with getting to work but in the instances where i need to be at work early (some call this "on-time", apparently) the school does open the cafeteria at 7:10 and as long as you drop your kid off by 7:30 they can get into the cafeteria and have breakfast.  so that is my modified solo-mom before-care program.  

so this morning i went through the breakfast line routine with the princess.   and when my mom called i told her the following:  she is not used to carrying trays of food and it is really too big for her.  i also mentioned that it was hard for her to reach for the food and the silverware was really out of reach.   my mom starts YELLING at me.  yes, YELLING at me to just get "over it" and stop making issues.  i told her i was not making issues -- i was just telling her what i observed and i may need to reconsider the breakfast at school idea and instead just get her there before the doors close at 7:30 or just be late for work until it becomes an issue.  her response was that people will be falling over themselves to help the princess.   i told her that we can't depend on that thought.  she then YELLED "i can see where today is going".  yep.  you're right mom.  it is going somewhere where an adult might fucking FEEL something and want to process it by talking about it and maybe even bouncing ideas for a solution off another SANE adult.  but, you're not sane, mom.     

you see, i am not a big believer in that because my kid is cute people are just going to drop everything to help her.   a *grandmother* may think that is what will happen...but i am her practical and logical mother.   i don't live in la la world.  i live in a world where i need to make sure there is a working system in place for my kid to be independent. 

my mom said something about i really don't need to worry because the princess will make a lot of friends.   i mention that it seems like a lot of the kids in the class know each other already from camp or daycare or something.     just a statement.   she said i am making that up.  i told her "no, the parents were talking about it".   i also said that the princess is more interested in talking to the teacher and other grown-ups (a trait that comes from having a solo-parent and no siblings that can work for or against you depending on the situation) and that she didn't seem to notice when the kids started to scoooch her out of line so they could sit together and by the time they went into the classroom she was sitting in the middle of the hall alone while all the other kids were sitting together and talking along the wall.   again my mother YELLED at me that i was making problems.   i told her that i was not.  i was just telling her what i observed.  she YELLED at me that i observed "wrong" and then got off the phone.

so that left me crying.   crying because i feel so out of control with this kindergarten thing.  crying because i am worried about my princess.  and crying because i am almost 38 and my mother can still fucking do this to me.  and crying most of all because i can not go downstairs and eat and make it all go away....far far away from my feelings.

i am so fed up with my mother and her fucking insanity lately.  she is so fucking unhealthy and as i get healthy it really just bothers me.   she can't deal with anything.     so she just avoids it -- by not participating or yelling that it is not true or going shopping or eating or going to the casino or or or.... 

last week the princess and i took a break from our Keys vacation and came up for orientation.  i invited my mother to go because i thought she would want to see the school, etc.  after all, she has so many fucking opinions on everything lol.   i also invited her to go because we were having a 504 plan (physical needs issues) meeting with her whole team at the school...and, ya know, it would be nice to have some adult back-up FOR ME when dealing with this shit.  my mom told me that she may go to the orientation at 8 but had to be back in her neighborhood for a charity meeting at 10.   fine.  day of the orientation she says she is not coming down just to turn around.   during the meeting i hear my phone ring in my purse.  when we leave i see it was my mom calling around 10:30 from her house.  hmmmm.   so we call her back and i ask her how her meeting was.  she stumbles for an answer and then tells me that she didn't go.     so she avoided kindergarten.  she avoided the special needs meeting.  she avoided helping me.   look, my mom, her mom, my aunts, my sister (and yes, even me) have suffered from depression.   and the more and more i get healthy the more and more i am angry at her for inflicting her shit on me.   inflicting it on me when i was growing up and putting me in a position to be enmeshed and addicted.   and inflicting it on me now when i am trying so hard to be a healthy mother for my own daughter.

it would just be so nice to have a SANE mother to share my observations with.  i KNOW the princess will figure out how to carry the tray, get the spoons, open the milk, make friends, etc.   but i really don't see what the big fucking deal is for me to talk about my FEELINGS and WORRY away from my daughter with another adult.   

hey, mom. guess what? putting your head in the sand and not seeing things for what they are and making everything "all right" all the time for your kid and encouraging other adults to do the same for your kid only ends up with your "kid" being in their 30s and weighing 373 pounds. no.fucking.thank.you.

what i am realizing is that my mother can no longer be my "other adult".   she is not a co-parent.  she is not my friend.  (all these things the enmeshment has led me to believe).   she is barely my own functioning parent.    i am finalizing realizing that i may need to go outside my sick little family and create my own.   interestingly enough, last night i got three surprising text messages of unsolicited support.   One from Bachelorette #1 (or was she #2...i can't remember), one from my closest straight-mommy friends who has a son a year older than the princess and one from -- of all people -- my daughter's biological father.    it was very nice of all of them to reach out to me on the eve of a very big day for me and princess. 

i am counting down the hours to when i will have possession (lol) of my child again.   i am still on vacation from work.   this afternoon i will go see my therapist (ooh-doggie, she will be earning her fee today! lol) and then i go get my nails done...and then i will steal my baby back from that evil school board.  lol...