a mother's guilt. a mother's pain.

i will not eat through this... i will not eat through this...

literally almost out the door on our way to the keys for 10 days and i call my mom and dad to say good-bye.    my mom asks me if i ever took Plavix.  i told her i didn't think so.   she told me that there is a class action suit because it causes spina bifida.  

my daughter has spina bifida occulta.  i took my folic when i was pregnant.  i did everything i was supposed to do.  she still was born with spina bifida.  

every time she has surgery and a long painful recovery (twice before she was even 5 years old and probably 3 more before she is an adult) you don't think i want to blame myself?   every morning when, like this morning, when i have to tend to the scar on her back you don't think i just want to die?   right now my life in centered around meetings and conversations with the school to address her safety and needs when she starts kindergarten.  don't you think that just kills me?   every specialist she has ever seen asks ME the same question -- did YOU take your folic acid?   shut the fuck up is what i want to scream at them.   only 30% of spina bifida cases and almost no percent of spina bifida occulta cases are attributed to lack of folic acid.  

Plavix, lady?  really?   do your research before you break my heart.   Plavix is for heart attacks and strokes.  you are my mother.   you know my health history.  you know i have not had to take heart medicine.   maybe if everyone else stopped making me feel some blame, i could one day heal from the blame i put on myself.

i will not eat through this... i will not eat through this...