butterfly kisses and thank you....

first and foremost...thank you for all your supportive comments on my vlog confession.   i was so scared to talk about my not healthy behavior.    but the admitting i am not perfect, prone to making mistakes and the world keeps spinning is part of the work i am trying to understand in therapy right now.   seriously, my narcissism and other issues cause me to not handle disappointing other very well.   but more than that -- i need to learn that no one, except myself, puts this unrealistic pressure on myself to be perfect and give off that perfect appearance.

so.  since i am taking a two week break from therapy i left with a few assignments.   most are complete -- but not all.   as the nightly "i am in the keys" euphoria and red wine kicks in this week, i will work through some more stuff here.   so far i can check the following off my list:  throwing out scale, covering mirrors, sharing my imperfections and reaching out to others when i am struggling (it was suggested i pick up the phone and do this with a friend.  i am preferring to blog -- such as my blog entry after my mom upset me).   

the assignment i still need to work on is composing a list of behaviors and thoughts that are helpful to the lap band journey and a list of behaviors that are not healthy.    i need to write this out.  most are in my mind.   also, part of this exercise is to not classify them as "good" or "bad".   also, i still need to work on the body checking stuff.   i caught myself standing in front of the hotel mirror a lot the last couple days.   and now we are at our vacation rental and there is a scale in the bathroom!!!!  i know i can hide it.   but right now we are having a standoff...lol.  yeah me and the scale.   i also had an eye-opening instance with the princess today.   i mentioned in my vlog that i have been going up to the grocery store a lot to weigh myself since getting rid of the scale.    today we were at the grocery store down here in the keys and as we were leaving my daughter asked me if she could weigh herself.   the thing is we were not at the entrance with the scale and as i noticed that i said "oh, let's go out the other door".  did not say anything about the scale but that is when she asked if she could weigh herself.  UGH.   what the fuck am i doing to myself?  to her?   UGH.

anyhoo... back to the keys.... today we went to the butterfly conservatory in key west.   it was so nice.  i love butterflies as you can see from my blog.   both as a species and symbolically.  

the next week down here will be pretty low key.   the princess and i came up with a list of things we want to do.  then i wrote them out on small pieces of paper and folded them up in a bowl.  each night she gets to pick a piece of paper and that tells us what we are doing the next day.   tomorrow we are going to the turtle hospital!   will most likely find a beach to picnic and swim at too.

wednesday night we will drive home (3 hours) because kindergarten orientation is thursday morning.   that's right...it is time to honor my kindergarten challenge!  linda, are you ready?  i think i am.    then after orientation on thursday morning we will drive back down to the keys and finish out our vacation.  

i have to tell you -- this vacation has been the best.   it is so easy to get around key west and i am more willing to enjoy things now that i am not lugging that extra 150 pounds around.   it was kind of a new experiment for me to go on the snorkeling boat and them just give me a "normal" vest and not have to go pull out a "special" one.   also, the maturity and natural curiosity the princess is displaying right now makes everything easier.

until next time....