who i was, am and will be.....

there are two blog posts swirling around in my lil ole head screaming to be released.... this will be the first of two....

my thoughts on being a mom.   a lesbian mom, to be more specific.  a lot of these thoughts came to me this weekend as i attended a birthday party for a classmate of the princess, ran around town getting us organized with food and supplies for my week of recovery from surgery and spent all day yesterday at three different annual check-ups for the princess.  

let me say this first...being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be.  the steps i took to become a mother were calculated.    i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother.

with that being said...being a mom is probably the most isolating experience in my life.   specifically, being a non-partnered lesbian mom.   as a lesbian i am different from most other lesbians who choose not to be parents.   as a non-partnered lesbian mom i am different from most of the other lesbians who are raising a kid with a partner.   as a lesbian i am different from most of the other moms who are straight.  

to break these thoughts down further...

lesbian mom in non-parenting lesbian world....a lot of lesbians don't like kids.   they don't want kids around.  i can not tell you how many women have told me that they do not wish to date someone with kids because they "can not relate to kids".   i can't tell you how many women think they are complimenting me and the princess when they announce that "generally i do not like kids, but the princess is ok"....um, gee.  thanks, i think.  of course, this is a general statement that there are exceptions in my life to this.   but as a whole...the gay and lesbian world is not kid friendly.   

non-partnered lesbian mom...true story: i met a lesbian couple with a child at gay pride last year.  we had emailed before meeting face to face and talked about out kids getting together.  i happened to be walking around with a platonic friend and my kid when we met.    they assumed that my friend was the other mommy.   they said to their kid "look, kid, the princess has TWO MOMMIES too!"  the kid is about 10.   i said "actually, the princess has only one mommy...me".  "ooooh." was the response.  needless to say they never wanted to get together after that.   i have also watched in amusement over the last year them post on a social site and tell other people i know how they are so frustrated that they can not meet other professional lesbian moms.  i am a professional.  i have the letters behind my name, if you are someone that impresses.  i am just a singular mom and not plural.  i also watched in amusement at a pool party we all attended last year as they latched onto the trashy, dysfunctional NOT professional lesbian couple.   but, hey...they were momS with a capital S.   of all the friends and social acquaintances in my life....not one is a lesbian mom.  i tried to start a group.  it failed.   i would like lesbian mom friends.  not every other weekend lesbian moms with leftover teenage kids from a former straight life.  but fulltime lesbian moms raising young kids.   but even if i can not find that...i would love to meet lesbian moms.  period.  i read recently that 34% of jacksonville's gay community is parents.   inviting.

lesbian mommy -- not straight mommy....my mommy friends are straight.  and i would probably have more if i would put more effort into developing friendships and socializing at birthday parties, etc.  but i don't.  i don't know why...but i am very awkward and don't jump in with the other moms.  i think some of it is the demographic area i live in.   let me just say...bravo could do a whole series on the real mommie of boca raton.   so while, i say i am isolated...i know that some of this is my own doing when it comes to the straight mommies. 
with all this being said....being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be. i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother.   i just wanted to put out there how isolating at times my life can be.    i want to work harder at making friends that i have the kid connection with.  this will mean going outside my comfort zone.  ugh.   i like my comfort zone.   lol.   my lonely disney loving, jimmy buffet singing, mommy-centric comfort zone.

i think a lot of these thoughts have a lot to do with the uncovering of the authentic me.  i have a bigger blog post about the authentic me bursting to get out.   but not today.  maybe tomorrow.