Officially off the market....

disclaimer: 1. due to unfortunate circumstances the real life person i am venting about here may have access to my blog.  at the risk of hurting someone else's feelings, i need to use MY blog.  i hate that my blog was shared with others without my permission.  but going two weeks since the breech took place and not being able to process my feelings about real life stuff here just sucks so i am taking care of MYSELF and others can just deal.  (the breech still sucks, though).  2.  amy w.  nothing in this post applies to you, my sweetness.   my astronaut diapers stand willing and able the minute you drop that bitch heather.

i am done dating.   no, i have NOT found the love of my life.  i hate girls, women and ladies.   i am fucking done.

it is too much work. and dating means you have to make yourself and your feeling vulnerable and i just.don't.want.to.do.it.anymore.  

a couple weeks ago i got an email from the woman that i have gone on a couple dates with recently.  she wanted to know what i was looking for and i guess some clarity on us.  she was very apologetic throughout the email for asking these questions.  i was in disney when i got the email.  i quickly responded from my phone that it was a great email and i would respond from home at a real computer.  i didn't want her to feel any more vulnerable than she already did with the email, so i quickly recognized her feelings.

when i got home i wrote her a long email.   part of what i have worked on with The Therapist™ is dating with more integrity.  i have been known as a love (really, fuck) em and leave em type girl.  part of that, we know was related to the weight thing.   of course there are those real instances where i really do love them....but in between finding those gems... i wasn't very honorable.   so i wrote her this looooooooooooong email and told her what i was looking for.   i also wrote this:

I also have committed to changing not only my body but also my mind. I don't want to be one of those people who gains back all their weight in a couple years. And because of that, because of learning a lot about my new self and my feelings -- i don't know how much I can emotionally commit to a relationship. again... that is today. potentially tomorrow i may realize i am ready or that i already have emotionally committed.



the other issue related to the weight loss that i think can hold me back a little is that you don't lose 150 (will be 200 pounds lost at the end of this) with your body looking "nice" under your clothes. so i think, for the first time in my life, i am experiencing some hesitation about my body and other seeing it. that being said, a physical sexual connection is something that is very important to me when i am with someone.

do you know what her response was?  nothing.  not a fucking word.    what does that make me want to do?  not be open.  not share.  not put MYSELF out there anymore.   in the time since this email she sends me very affectionate emails and texts.  tells me she wants me to go on a trip to central florida with her to meet her sister, etc.      i asked her last week what she thought of my email and she told me she would respond when she had time.  whatever.   i immediately reassure YOU but you don't have time to acknowledge me? 

and then comes the date cancelling.  thursday was for work.  i need to work on trusting people, so i will believe her.  maybe.  but last night was the dealbreaker for me.   she told me she had a family event to go to at 6 but only planned on staying for 2 hours.  our plans, as confirmed up until 4 in the afternoon, were that she would call me when she leaves and come over to my place since i did not have a babysitter.   9,10,11.  no call.   i doze off waiting for saturday night live and wake up at 11:45.  there was a TEXT (i am so not a fucking texter) at 11:25 telling me she was still there and too buzzed to drive over.   why did she drink to the point of buzzing?  why did she not check in between 8 and 9 if teh night was going in a different direction since that was our planned get together time?  the list of whys can go on and on and on.  but honestly, the wall has gone up.   the bridge has been lifted across the moat.   i am going back to my comfort zone.  

my friends say i will meet the perfect person for me.  i don't believe that person exists for me.   either they are planning on spending my paycheck and moving in after the first date or they can't even commit to dating like normal people.   sooner or later, i have to wonder what is wrong with me.  really.  not a pity party.  but the truth.  

done.  fucking done.