the week in review (aka i feel fat)

i don't even know where to start.... after a whirlwind week at work and just being beat tired after over 1,000 miles of road travel, work days that started at 8AM and ended at 11 at night and the only food being available was fattening meats or carbs.... i am just over it.

here are some bullet point takeaways from this week...

• all kidding aside, i am now one of "those" girls.  and by "those" girls i mean a skinny bitch.  the fat girls want nothing to do with me anymore.   the communities i work for have an exponentially high instance of obesity (see my comment on the food above).   there are a lot of fat girls.  and i when i say fat girls i mean like me  -- over 300 pounds  (or how i used to be...ugh...need to blog about the mindfuck body thing i am going through).  so anyways, my work environment while professional has a very close family element to it.   there have been work related travel where i eat and share entire weeks at a resort with a group of families for work related stuff.   one such family has a woman my age in it and at least one of her kids is my princess' age.  so, through work events, we have been raising our daughters together.   saw her in her community monday night and after six years of her loudly calling across the room that i *will* sit with her family she wouldn't even look at me.   because i was not "invited", i did not join.   i tried to talk to her later but she quickly answered me and walked off "to see someone else".   same thing with another 300+'er that night.   same thing tuesday.   wednesday was actually different.  the men were all over me.  stupid boys.  but by thursday and another community i was an outsider again.  interesting...huh?
• i got closure this week on a big hole in my heart.  it goes back a couple years and the details are complicated and heartbreaking.  it is basically my own little lesbian star-crossed lovers story.     she finally acknowledged me after all this time.  it was positive.  no drama.  and almost instantly i felt a lead balloon release from my heart.  it was good.   i can let go now.  
• i communicated to the woman i was recently dating my disappointment in her cancelling plans and lack of acknowledgement of my answers to her questions about our relationship.   for a hot minute i let her back into my life and she instantly failed my expectations (which really aren't that high) again.   done.  door closed.
• but...when one door closes...i have met two women online in the last week.   this, of course, come after some major hissy fits about me never finding someone who is professional and career driven.  or someone who is in my age range.  or someone who wants to MEET and not fricking just text (i hate texting).  so many of these women rather hide behind their spellcheck and computer.  i rather spend an hour at starbucks and see if i like you.  so... #1 is on a major education sector career track.   and 36.   #2 is also an overeducated professional, 36 AND said to me in her first email that she rather just skip the email thing and go right to phone to see if we click.  that is what i am talking about! lol.
• thursday i am going to vegas for a girls weekend.  woo-fucking-hoo.  i will be drunk as a skunk before the plane leaves west palm beach if i have my way.   i am going with 3 of my closest friends.  trouble will be found.    on all my other weight loss efforts i always listed my 100 pound reward to be a trip to vegas.   at the time i did not have the friends i have now nor did i have ever have confidence that i would really lose that 100 pounds.   this trip is not about me or my weight loss...it really is just a getaway.   but i am doing it after losing over 160 pounds.
• yeah.  so i lost 160 pounds.  i need to fucking remember that.  i need to realize that i am a size 14 and not 30/32.  not sure when i will see it.   because i still think i am carrying around all that weight.  i still think i am big.   i still feel like the biggest person in the room at all times.   even as i sit here and type this in my regular size large pajamas that are kind of loose on me, i still feel 373.  it is my scarlet letter.  part of this is the mindfuck crap that comes with the surgery.  but part of it is all the skin i carry around.  no word on plastic surgery yet.   i am going to bug them again tomorrow if i can get a moment alone.  as much work i have done in therapy, you would think i would be in a good place with this... i am not.  i can't see myself for who i really am now.  i don't see what others see.
• last night was a big celebration for a group i am involved in.  i was the MC.  i was heckled by a drunk friend.  she kept saying how good i looked.  i told someone to sit on her and shut her up (lol) and she kept going on and on and on about my body.  another woman i barely know and rarely see came over to me and told me she had heard how good i look now. and on and on and on with others too.  two of my brief exes were in the room.  one was very excited for me and genuinely nice.  but at the end of the night....160 lesbians in one room.  i had the spotlight on me for over 30 minutes as the MC and i went home feeling fat inside and out.  i really did.  i know i "heard" different...but i didn't feel different.   this fucking monkey has got to get off my back.  ugh.
• i am getting some of the rest of the 2cc i took out back in on tuesday.  i already have 1 cc and i think i am going to just take a half.
• did i mention lately i hate my body?  i hate the skin. the hanging.  the wrinkles.  i hate wearing spanx.  i want to scream at everyone who gives me a compliment YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA THE GROSS SCIENCE EXPERIMENT UNDER THESE CLOTHES.  i hate my body.  hate it.
• i have not seen my therapist for 3 weeks and won't see her until thursday.  work schedule is preventing me not only from seeing her but going to support group too.  i am coming unglued.  (hence the bullet point above).

i can't put paragraph spaces in between the bullet points and it is driving me nuts.  this blog is too long.  it should really be eight different posts.  oh well.  i need to put these feelings out into the universe....