i realized this weekend how out of touch with my religion i am. and i am not happy. i have never been god-fearing woman. but i had always been very connected to my judaism and at the very least the cultural/holiday observances. not so much lately. and i blame the band. i really think my connection to my judaism was so wrapped up in food that now that i can't be wrapped up in food i am not motivated. when the princess was a baby i cooked shabbat dinner every week. for my whole adult life i was the designated cooker for all jewish holidays. passover is tomorrow and i just realized that yesterday when my mom asked me to come up and help her shop and cook. in the past i would have been cooking all weekend, had my shopping list made last week and already have the table set.
i am mourning this loss and want to recommit to judaism. especially for the princess' sake. i went to great lengths to make sure she had a jewish biological father, hebrew name, etc. and now i am totally slacking -- in her most impressionable religious connection/education years.
so....today i spent much of the day with my parents grocery shopping and prepping food. my mom will finish the cooking tomorrow and i will go up to their house with the princess to have a low key seder with my folks and my aunt and uncle. my sister is too busy. same with my hoodlum cousins. (are you still hoodlums when you are in your 30s?). i mourn the days when my grandparents were still here and it was a big deal. i want the princess to have that. we were supposed to go to new jersey for seder but with my new job just starting i canceled our trip. maybe i am missing all my new jersey cousins. tomorrow i am going to try real hard to remember what my dad said at thanksgiving -- he said he was most thankful to have the people he loved in the world with him. it was just me, my mom and the princess. my sister chose not to attend (again). it was both a validating moment for me to know that my presence was enough for my dad and a lesson on being thankful for what you have and not fret about what you do not have.
It must be hard to keep up with your religon when it has always revolved around a lot of food. I hope you can work out a happy medium for you and your princess :o)
ReplyDeleteI hope you can re-find what you're looking for. I'm not religious at all, but I understand the cultural ties and I feel a little weird that I'm not attending a seder this year since my parents are elsewhere. :-(
ReplyDeleteI can identify with you on this one. But mostly because I'm from the South. I come from a huge family, and every event is about food and drink. I have always looked forward to each holiday becaue of the food traditions of each one. I am now in a place where I can enjoy the preparation and the tastes of things without feeling like I'm missing out because I can't have as much as I want, and some things I love...I just can't enjoy anymore. I really did mourn that loss, it's so hard. I think your Dad's sentiment from Thanksgiving is wonderful, something we can all concentrate on!
ReplyDeleteI think that if you have the time and energy you can (re)discover many other elements of Judaism that do not focus on food. I have managed to do this with my kids and it is one of the things I think I've done right as a parent. We are involved in a church and I'm glad for that influence in their lives (and mine).
ReplyDeleteI think you'll find your way....... you're carving a new path, and can re-design your Passover tradition :)
ReplyDeleteAnd of course, one more link for you and me: I lived in NJ for about 25 years. I miss the HECK out of Jersey! (however..... I love, love, love NJ/NY pizza, and can't get it here. That's a GOOD thing)
I was a North Jersey girl.... I didn't realize there was a distinct difference until I went to school in SOUTH Jersey. Who knew? (I went to Glassboro..... now Rowan University)
Big, sweet hugs to you and princess! xoxoxoxo