i no longer "used to weigh 373 pounds"...

so...true to my "word" for 2011, i have been busy living life.... and in the midst of living life, there has been a major shift in my axis...

i have been "hanging out" (very proud that i am not getting tangled up in relationship crap and staying true to my intentions to "just have fun") with the 24 year old a lot and never once have i mentioned weight loss, surgery, therapy or anything that has happened since november 2009 and now.    and even bigger is the fact that i don't feel like i am hiding anything or feel uncomfortable, like i did in my dating attempts a few months ago.   we have even been out to eat and when i barely ate anything she did make a joke but i had no desire what-so-ever to tell her why.   i know i have been out with other bandsters and they have always commiserated that people always comment on how little they eat -- well i discovered that people apparently say that whether they know "why" or not....lol.

now, i know if we keep "hanging out" it will eventually come up.  (through a social group she could stumble across fat pictures of me).  and i have thought of what i would say and i actually caught myself thinking i would say that "i have lost weight"...and then i occurred to me that my first thought was NOT "i used to weigh 373 pounds".  

the most important thing for me to say about this is...none of these thoughts come from shame ... but really from a point of walking away from the past...letting go...disassociating myself from who i was to who i am now in this moment in time.

i actually keep forgetting my fat past and can honestly say that i feel "normal" -- like my cousin said to me in january when i saw her: "you are now just like every other suburban mom staring down the barrel of a 40 year old gun...you should go to the gym more, lose 25 pounds and would love a tummy tuck"....

the other major axis shift going on is i actually see the true me in the mirror.  i am no longer depending on pictures to see the changes.   something in the last couple weeks has either changed in my mind that i actually have to stop myself in front of mirrors and stand in amazement at my profile.   even standing naked -- i have been able to see past the skin and my stomach apron and see a very slender silhouette emerging.  craaaaaaazy.  i can see what everyone else has been telling me.  and i am proud and in love with what i see.