ok. i am not really back on the market and i still stand-by my feelings in this morning's blog but coincidentally as i was bawling to my friend's mom today about my pathetic dating life and stupid girls i got an email from someone off of my online dating profile. i have not been on that site for a couple months, either.some emotional evolution/food addiction crap that came up today....
part of the ongoing rant from my real life friends is that they feel in some regard that it is going to be hard for me to find someone on my "level". nice compliment, i guess, but depresses the heck out of someone who has always been "other" her whole life. the gay girl in our high school gang. the fat girl in *every* gang. the loud girl in every room (so you wouldn't notice how fat i was). the smart one in my druggie gang. the jewish one. the over-educated over-employed one. the only woman on a work team of men (oh, you want to talk about "otherness"....). i don't want to be on a different level anymore. i don't want to be unique, other or special. i just want to blend in and be like everyone else. i really do, sometimes.
the other thing is that i got some good faith advice to look at the bright side. the problem is...looking at the bright side for the past 20 years got me to 373. got me into this convoluted enmeshment crap with my parents. got me to where i am today...38 fucking years old and can't deal with bumps in the road because i have spent 20 or more years avoiding reality and getting intoxicated on macaroni and cheese. so, no. today i won't look at the bright side. today i will deal with reality. i will feel my feelings. i will talk about my feelings. but i won't eat my feelings. i will be angry. how fucking dare SHE think it is ok to text me 3 hours after we planned to get together.
we'll see what comes of today's chick. we actually have had a couple emails back and forth already today. she is cute. she is a professional with major professional goals in the near future. she comes across as smart and quick witted. and if nothing else, she too talks about her love of red wine in her profile. lol. we'll see.....but i am not ready to give up my membership in the girl hater club yet nor my spot on the i am never dating again bench.
I liked your ranting today. So real. Sometimes it helps doesn't it? I'm also trying not to give up on the dating thing. It really sucks. I hate first dates. I thought I'd look forward to them but I'm so used to being disappointed (and so are the men I'm sure! LOL) that it just seems like a lot of work!
ReplyDeleteHope this new one is at least interesting to talk to. The date I had last night was dull, dull, dull.
Ugh, I hate girls too. But I'm in a pretty bad place right now emotioanlly anyway.. But this comment is SO not about me. It's about you. I admire your willingness to put yourself out there in that email (per your last post)... Seriously, what is wrong with people that they can't respect that with a response? You deserve better. (I hate when people say that to me.. but I mean it, so deal :P)
ReplyDeleteShe's out there and you'll find her! The best thing you can do to find "the one"? Exactly what you've been doing! Keep working on making yourself the best person you can be and you'll not only attract the same, but you'll be ready to bring your best to the relationship.
ReplyDeleteHI! I started reading your blog the other day and I just finished reading the whole thing. I just wanted to say that you are such an inspiration to me!.. Seriously! You had me crying and laughing and doing so serious thinking about myself! THANK YOU! I admire you so much!
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